Teen girls and dating older "men"

Dueller · 08:47 AM

You guys have been a source of great info on my new role as a step-dad. So please don't flame me on this one.

One of my 16 y.o. (soon to be 17) step dtrs has befriended a young guy from her church. He has been going thru some troubling times (his twin bro recently attempted suicide) and compassionate as she is, dtr has become a confidant. Problem is he is 21 (an immature 21) and though a nice guy, I can see he is becoming infatuated/attracted to my step dtr. Our clear rule has been no more than a 2-3 year age difference for dating. Of course, she is flattered by the attention of an "older man" and on some levels realizes why the age difference is a problem for us. She even recognizes that if she were closer to his age she would not be interested in him.

We have discussed this with her, and while she acknowledges it will not work out long term she is conflicted about the type of relationship developing. She is clearly more mature than the average 16 y.o. but she's still a 16 y.o. 16 and 17 y.o guys are generally too immature for her...and there are few 18-19 y.o.'s that she's interested in.

Now its easy to say "nip it in the bud" but the conundrum is that if you forbid them to be friends he becomes that much more desireable. AND they become allies in the fight against mom and mean step dad. We have let her know that it is inappropriate for a number of reasons at this stage in her life to let this friendship go to a more intimate level...even pointing out to her that she is setting him up for a fall when she outgrows him.

Anybody dealt with this? What say you guys... Any suggestions for my "Come to Jesus" talk with this guy?

gprsh924 · 11-06-2007, 08:48 AM

Threaten him with a gun?

Any 21 year old guy who is hanging out and or trying to develop a relationship with a 16 or 17 year old girl has issues. Get him away.

the · 11-06-2007, 08:50 AM

One thing for sure, you can't use force or be heavy handed. As you recognize, the forbidden fruit is that much sweeter, and having a common cause/common enemy makes goofy young "love" that much stronger.

Kids are all different. You and your wife have to use whatever methods have been most effective in shaping her behavior in the past. I know what would work with my kids, but that really has little or no relevance to yours.

lendaddy · 11-06-2007, 08:52 AM

I have no advice beyond the's but I once again take this opportunity to say:

Thank all that is good and pure that I did not have girls

Nostril Cheese · 11-06-2007, 08:54 AM

So shes not interested in the guy. That should be the end of it. tell him to back off.

Dueller · 11-06-2007, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lendaddy

I have no advice beyond the's but I once again take this opportunity to say:

Thank all that is good and pure that I did not have girls

Yup....sons are relatively easy...girls are waaaaay more conniving

Dueller · 11-06-2007, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nostril Cheese

So shes not interested in the guy. That should be the end of it. tell him to back off.

No...not exactly true. She really likes him as a friend but the friendship is getting deeper. She's getting reinforcement because he tells her how helpful she's been with him coping with his brothers suicide attempt. And the young adult class at her church tells her how much she's done for him in his time of need. Damn religion

lendaddy · 11-06-2007, 09:01 AM

I'm not sure what your relationship is with your daughter, but maybe a trusted male figure should really(and I mean really) explain "men" to her.

Dueller · 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lendaddy

I'm not sure what your relationship is with your daughter, but maybe a trusted male figure should really(and I mean really) explain "men" to her.

She and I are very close and we have had that discussion on numerous occasions. And I do it without being "moralistic"...very honest and straightforward. When we talk she clearly understands but on the other hand she is conflicted about where she would like the relationship to go. She acknowledges that her apprehension is indicative that it doesn't pass the "smell test."

Rikao4 · 11-06-2007, 09:07 AM

Well the brother didn't die, so tell him to take care of his brother ..if he needs a shoulder to lean or cry on.....go see mom or priest.
Rika

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

it's organized religion's fault

hey, somebody had to say it

Gogar · 11-06-2007, 09:09 AM

In the end, she will do what she wants, so the best thing you can do is have good conversations with her; and it sounds like you're doing that quite well already.

If you're tricky, you can manipulate the conversations so she "decides" on her own that it's not a good idea.

Dueller · 11-06-2007, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nostatic

it's organized religion's fault

hey, somebody had to say it

True dat.

notfarnow · 11-06-2007, 09:15 AM

I sure hope we have boys

Hugh R · 11-06-2007, 09:16 AM

No,No, No, No and No.

NICKG · 11-06-2007, 09:30 AM

damn...i thought this would be about guys like 30 dating 18 y/o's....
them guys are my heros...
oh god, i have been married too long.....

Palum6o · Palum6o's Garage

assuming your daughter is still in high school, ecourage her to get more involved in school activities ie school play, dance, sports etc... especially where there are guys her age. Once this guy begins to get jealous that she's got no time for him, move in and team up with your daughter and make him look like a loser. It might be harsh, but its your daughter.

stomachmonkey · 11-06-2007, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notfarnow

I sure hope we have boys

Boys come with their own set of issues.

I think my kids worked out ok. They are currently 7, girl and 4, boy.

She will be old enough to council him on what girls to avoid and how to deal with them. I'm hoping that having an older sister will help him have the proper respect for women.

He is a strapping little lad and loves his sister to death. I fell sorry for anyone that tries to mess with her.

Since she is older it will probably be her friends that think he's cute vs if he were older having his friends think she is hot.

On the step daughter issue I wish I had some advice but I don't.

Hope you get it sorted.

svandamme · svandamme's Garage

any building site about to poor concrete foundations in your town

Dueller · 11-06-2007, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Palumbo

assuming your daughter is still in high school, ecourage her to get more involved in school activities ie school play, dance, sports etc... especially where there are guys her age. Once this guy begins to get jealous that she's got no time for him, move in and team up with your daughter and make him look like a loser. It might be harsh, but its your daughter.

She's an honor student, captain of the Varsity volleyball team, co-captain of the varsity tennis team, in every school play, takes all advanced placement classes, active in her church (grrrrrr), works at a nursery part-time, gives private tennis lessons, etc etc etc. Its the church involvement where this thing began.

In his defense he's a nice young man going thru some schit (his twin brother blew off the right side of his face and jaw...gotta be tough to deal with). He works, is polite and has come to our home on a number of occasions. She had always viewed him as just a friend until recently when I picked up on his attraction to her beyond friendship. I talked to her immediately and it is giving her some apprehension but on the other hand she is fighting her attraction to him. Perhaps the church elders should have a talk with him as well.