Friday joke thread...lets hear'em!

[HardDrive]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,


"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[slodave]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

[craigster59]

Two women are sitting on the porch on a Friday afternoon when one says "Hey, isn't that your Husband coming up the walkway, and he's carrying a boquet of flowers!".

The other woman sighs heavily and says "You know what that means, I'm going to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air."

The first woman says "What, you don't own a vase?"

[Nostril Cheese]

"I hear Bush is going to Pakistan"

"why? So he can take notes on how to suspend the Constitution?"

[Palum6o]

There was a medical study conducted in 3 countries (US, Germany, and Poland) to determine why a man’s member has a ridge at the tip. There are many scientific reasons why it is there, but this study was to determine the main reason. Here were the findings:

US: After spending $1.3 million, the American study team determined that the ridge is there to enhance a man’s pleasure during intercourse.

Germany: After spending $300 thousand, the German study team determined that the ridge is there to enhance a woman’s pleasure during intercourse.

Poland: After spending $5 dollars, the Polish study team determined that the ridge is there to prevent your hand from slipping off.

[wrecktech]

OT: Magilla the Gorilla goes Hoosier


As you may know, people in Missouri refer to southern Illinois rural folks as "Hoosier." However, this joke specifically refers to Indiana. It will probably get deleted, but was too good to pass up on a Friday......

A small zoo in Indiana obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian, a Purdue graduate, determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck with a scatology degree from Indiana and a part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but felt he possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee said that he needed time to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you and her can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.









"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

[Amail]

Three applicants made it to the final round to determine who would get the job of head spy at the CIA.

The interviewer waited in a room next to a table, upon which was a gun, loaded with blanks.

The interviewer told the first applicant "In the room on the left you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and shoot her. This will prove your loyalty to the Company, and the job is yours".

The man went in, but came out about a minute later say "I can't do it, I love her and cannot shoot her no matter what job I am offered."

The second man was given the same instructions and told to go into the room in the middle, and he too came out about a minute later saying "No job is worth shooting the love of my life - thanks anyway."

The third man was given the gun, and he disappeared into the room on the right. Within seconds the sounds of gunshots and screaming were heard. Then, the sounds of fighting, thumps against the wall, and crashing were heard. Finally, after about five minutes, the man emerges from the room, bloody and torn, saying "You gave me a gun with blanks, you idiot! I had to beat her to death with the chair!"

[Seric]

Two baby seals walk into a club...

[Amail]

Q - How did the chicken get to the other side?
A - He crossed the road.

Damn! I always mess that one up.