A little English humour

[Isabo]

New British Navy

Details have been released regarding Britain's next generation of fighting ships: the Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped
with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have it's own onboard industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime!

All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward and creche, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the mess. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum,
Sodomy and the lash"; out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request.

Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".

All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and braille.

Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women.

The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the white ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.

Sea Trials are expected to take place soon, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission it will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast.

The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The
ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the Royal Marines.

The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up graded to comply with any new
legislation. His final words were "Britain never, never waives the rules!"
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense




'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

why the early bird gets theworm;

Life isn't always fair;

and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;

his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'

And a little
extra........................

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

4 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organization is this?



It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the
same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. (I'm sure I've read the same about the American Senate/Congress.....SNOPES!!)

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames near the Houses of Parliament in London .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Members of Parliament, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the river near the members car park”.

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Jaguar cars and wait for one to unlock the car door, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Member of Parliament, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

[Mo_Gearhead]

Isabo,
Darling, THIS is what I love about you!

Long passages of silence ...then suddenly, without provocation, you release a torrent of pent up emotions and humor!

***Sigh***

[Joeaksa]

Good ones! Put a smile on my face!