How Big a Jerk is That CEO?

[M.D. Holloway]

from BNET:

How Big a Jerk is That CEO?
By Geoffrey James , January 2nd, 2008 @ 5:30 am

One of my favorite business news stories of the past year was the investor briefing called by Sallie Mae chairman Albert Lord. He was holding the conference to “create some transparency,” as he put it. He then he proceeded to stonewall questions about the company’s future performance, joked that stockholders would have to “pass through a metal detector” at future briefings, and ended the briefing with “Let’s get the *&#!! out of here.”

Apparently the conference created a tad too much transparency, because Sallie Mae’s stock promptly dropped 21 percent. I wasn’t much surprised, though, because after having conversations with hundreds of CEOs, I’ve observed that most of them have what I like to call “CEO disease.” It’s an illness unique to to top executives, where the sphincter expands until it covers one’s entire body, causing irritation only soothed through underling osculation.

What does this have to do with sales, you ask? Well, since B2B sales reps are frequently tasked with selling to top executives, it’s useful to know exactly how bad a case of CEO disease you’re going to be forced to deal with. So, to help you close those big deals, here’s a quick analysis tool to help calibrate the exact level of osculation likely to be involved. (Note: This tool only works for male CEOs. For reasons beyond current scientific understanding, female CEOs never get CEO disease, except in the fashion industry.)

INSTRUCTIONS: To determine the level of infection of the CEO in question, fill in the blanks by circling the number next to the answer that seems the most correct.

The CEO parks his car ______________:
1) Somewhere in the parking lot.
2) In a reserved spot by the door.
3) In the lobby behind the security desk.


The CEO’s proudest possession is______________:
1) The Hummer H1 in the parking lot.
2) The MIG fighter jet at the local airport.
3) The Kalishnikov rifle on his desk.


The CEO’s desk is______________:
1) Standard-issue office furniture.
2) Hand-carved, inlaid oak.
3) Sliced from the trunk of a living 2000-year-old redwood.


The CEO’s administrative assistant looks like______________:
1) Dolly Parton in “Nine to Five”
2) Julia Roberts in “Erin Brockovich”
3) Helena Bonham-Carter in “Sweeney Todd”


To tell the time, the CEO is wearing______________:
1) A Rolex Explorer.
2) A Rolex Daytona.
3) A Rolex once worn by Benito Mussolini.


When the CEO tells a joke his employees______________:
1) Laugh politely.
2) Laugh loudly.
3) Laugh so hard that at least one employee has a stroke.


When confronted with bad news, the CEO___________:
1) Asks for a strategy to adapt to new circumstances.
2) Yells at subordinates for being so stupid.
3) Starts using the Kalishnikov.


The picture on the CEO’s desk is______________:
1) His wife of 30 years and grown up children.
2) His trophy wife of 2 years and their new baby.
3) The after-midnight dancers at Scores.

The view from the CEO’s window is______________:
1) The main factory for the company.
2) Waves pounding on a private beach.
3) The mountain cliff where his face is being carved.

SCORING:

Add up the numbers you’ve circled and find the correct category below:

Less than 10: This CEO has so far escaped CEO disease. Chance are he’s new at the job. Give him some time.

10 to 18: This CEO has a typical case of CEO disease. Pucker up.

More than 18: Uh oh.