Problems with an adult sibling...my brother and I are crossed up BAD

Dueller · 10:23 PM

My brother and I are crossed up in a bad way. He is going thru a particularly painful separation where the mother of his 4 y.o. daughter absconded to NY and he is virtually powerless with the legal sytem to get access to his daughter.

After she left he discovered that she and her 20 y.o. dtr (his stepdtr) had forged numerous checks totalling about $6K on hiis business account. He filed criminal affidavits and proceeded with attempts to collect his money. He went to court today and discovered stepdtr was now in Mexico. Judge couldn't do anything and after the police officer stated he neeeded to conduct a further investigation. He asked me what he should do. I explained that stepdtr/mom were likely telling one version (i.e., he had authorized her to sign the checks) and he had his. Basically a he said/she said scenario. I explained that ultimately the court would issue a warrant and at some point down the road when she got pulled over for a traffic violation it would show up and they would arrest her. He became livid at me now matter how I tried to explain I believed his version...I mean c'mon...this is not a high proiority case to the police. Nobody's gonna extradite her from Mexico over a few forged checks. And the bank has even credited his account.

He then attacked me personally for screwing up his second divorce. I find that amazing as I was never formally involved in that action. I did give him my opinions and talked with his then lawyers 9 years ago and tried to explain to him things that a lay person might not understand about the judicial system...including inequities that frustrated me. as far as formal legal advice, I have counseled him on legal concepts but have repeatedly declined to do leghal work for him...e.g., I could not write his will as I am not licensed in his state and even if I was I couldn't write his will as I was an intended beneficiary. I even volunteered to pay for an independent atty to write it.

There were additional issues he was angry about. Most notably financial situations involving my parents. He is upset that I receive an annual gift of $12,000 as part of their estate planning whereas he only rceives $8,000/year. He fails to remember that 4 years agoi my parents lent him $192,000 as part of the purchase price for his home and acreage. The $4000 difference in my annual gift and his is suposedly for interest on that "loan" which has been forgiven each year. I never received any such loan, which he seems to forget. I have never mentioned to anyone anything about this loan except when my parents disclosed it to me I told them it might not pass IRS scrutiny and suggested they seek independent leagal/accounting advice to just set it up as an early gift. My attitude has always been that its their money and they can do as they wish.

His behavior before and after his separation has been eratic and irrational at times. He has acted out in what I consider to be totally unacceptable behavior; i.e., smashing computers when his stepdtr didn't comply with a request, shipping her clothing/belongings to her new address with dog crap in the package that was left by her dog, outbursts of rage, etc.

My parents handwring and treat him with kid gloves and don't call him on his behavior. I have hesitated to give advice unless its asked for and even then tempered any suggsetion of criticism. Today was the final straw when he exploded on me. In the past I've just let him rant and not been candid. This time I came right back at him and let him know I didn't feel he was acceptiing responsibility/owneship for the mistakes he had made.

I dunno what I'm looking for here. Maybe to just vent among strangers is cathartic.

KFC911 · 02-12-2008, 07:37 AM

"No good deed goes unpunished" ...vent away!

KaptKaos · 02-12-2008, 07:38 AM

My sister is like that. Nothing is ever her fault.

There is a lifetime of learned behavior there that you can't undo.

Distance is likely your best option.

stomachmonkey · 02-12-2008, 07:42 AM

Your brother sounds like he needs an evaluation by a mental health professional.

Bi-polar, manic depressive, don't know. Erratic behavior of this nature can be a sign a of a chemical imbalance, either natural or self induced.

As to how to deal with that I have no advice. Wish I could be of more help.

craigster59 · craigster59's Garage

I don't know what to say. Probably best to distance yourself for awhile. That dog crap thing is a little "over the edge".

Dueller · 02-12-2008, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

Your brother sounds like he needs an evaluation by a mental health professional.

Bi-polar, manic depressive, don't know. Erratic behavior of this nature can be a sign a of a chemical imbalance, either natural or self induced.

As to how to deal with that I have no advice. Wish I could be of more help.

He is going. Supposedly psychiatrist says that "he may have a bit of bipolar tendencies but all succesful people do." My brother thinks that he knows more than anybody else.

TGTIW · 02-12-2008, 07:47 AM

Sorry to be blunt, but your brother sounds like an *******. It seems that you've done everything reasonably possible for him and what appears to be his many situations, I think distancing yourself is the best option.

KFC911 · 02-12-2008, 07:52 AM

[QUOTE=stomachmonkey;3763742]...Erratic behavior of this nature can be a sign a of a chemical imbalance, either natural or self induced....QUOTE]

Women (particularly "exes") have been known to induce that sort of behaviour also

. Dueller, what's the age difference between you two, and who's older (not that it matters, just curious)?

alf · 02-12-2008, 07:56 AM

Dude, he is your brother and he needs your unconditional love and support at this time. Stay firm to your convictions, give him your best advise and support but do not abandon him.

lendaddy · 02-12-2008, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alf

Dude, he is your brother and he needs your unconditional love and support at this time. Stay firm to your convictions, give him your best advise and support but do not abandon him.

Yep, good advice. Just let him know that although you don't agree with his appraisal of the situation that you're there if he needs you.

I probably shouldn't say this but I'd kill for your problems

This is small stuff really.

Dueller · 02-12-2008, 07:59 AM

[QUOTE=KC911;3763771]

Quote:

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

...Erratic behavior of this nature can be a sign a of a chemical imbalance, either natural or self induced....QUOTE]

Women (particularly "exes") have been known to induce that sort of behaviour also

. Dueller, what's the age difference between you two, and who's older (not that it matters, just curious)?

7 years..he is 45 ,I am 52. He is a DVM in private practice and parttime college professor.

Your comment is interesting...a friend of mine suggests that his behavior is consisitent with feminine acting out as opposed to how men typically deal with problem.

TerryBPP · 02-12-2008, 08:07 AM

You get $12k a year from your parents. Thats pretty cool

.....trust fund baby.

cstreit · cstreit's Garage

Nothing like family! Best bet is to not get involved. Empathize, understand, but do not put your nose it, it'll just get bitten. i know it's hard, but next time, tell him "Sorry, i can't" even if you have to add a white lie as to why. Regarding the money, well, totally typical. Don't even discuss it with him.

KFC911 · 02-12-2008, 08:11 AM

[QUOTE=Dueller;3763789]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KC911

...
Your comment is interesting...a friend of mine suggests that his behavior is consisitent with feminine acting out as opposed to how men typically deal with problem.

You're probably right regarding his specific behaviors, but "I've heard" that women occasionally cause men to do some really stupid stuff

vash · vash's Garage

duel, your brother is pissed off bigtime. easy to attack someone you love. that means you. this is one of those time, where you just be there to listen. give the guy space.

my sis and i are at it all the time. but she is crazy.

MRM · 08:15 AM

I haven't spoken to my ex-mother and former brother for more than two years. I've never been happier. I recommend it highly. It is impossible to reason with crazy people. It only frustrates bothof you. You just can't engage them in conversation. Just remeber, no contact means no contact. Not minimal contact, not managed contact, not contact only at holidays for family gatherings. No contact. Think restraining order. You'll never regret it.

Dueller · 02-12-2008, 08:53 AM

So we're split between unconditional acceptance, a little distance for the time being or disown him....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

lendaddy · 02-12-2008, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

So we're split between unconditional acceptance, a little distance for the time being or disown him....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

There doesn't appear to be anything looming that requires any action. Or did I miss something?

You let him have it and he knows where you stand. Next time you talk be calm and let him know that you stand by what you said but you understand his frustration as well.

If you're feeling some pressure to fix ****....don't.

baldman · 02-12-2008, 09:09 AM

Seems to me that he is being kicked in the crotch by his ex, her daughter, and the legal system all at once. His ex is gone, the daughter is gone, the legal system is a "system"... but you are there.
It could be this situation is all piling up and he has no one to yell at, no one to take to task, and at that time you provided a convenient "figurehead" for him to vent all his anger on.
I would talk to him. Tell him you are there for him as a sounding board, but you won't put up with any personal attacks from him. If he starts it again simply tell him "I told you I wouldn't put up with it." and end the conversation.

Dueller · 02-12-2008, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lendaddy

If you're feeling some pressure to fix ****....don't.

Sage advice. I think you hit the nail on the head. LDiddy.