wife-related issue....very pissed off tonight..

[bigchillcar]

this may be long..

let me preface this by saying that for whatever unfortunate reasons, my wife and i are separated and we'll be filing for divorce soon. it's not important to discuss here the reasons why...we all know that sometimes things just don't work out. good people with the best of intentions, dreams and yes, perhaps illusions..sometimes just don't make it..we all bring a certain amount of 'baggage' into a love relationship..this is true for us both, and we both had to reach the painful realization that the balance of this was greater than our love's abilities to maintain. i honestly never thought that i'd post any feelings at all with respect to 'us'..it's just too painful, more so than losing lilbear last month and you guys know how destroyed i was by that..

so..this is actually refreshing in that this thread is not to 'bash' my wife by any means..she's actually done nothing wrong. it's not my wife who is enduring my anger tonight, but rather a casual guy friend of mine. here's the story..thank you in advance for permitting me space to unload some heated emotion in a healthier way than perhaps winding up in jail.

so, i enter the gym tonight and see this casual trainer friend, perhaps 10-15 years my senior, haven't seen him in a couple months, but always been a guy i rap with during my strength training or whatever. he says hello and seems interested to know 'how i've been lately'. i smile and look at him point blank and say, 'not well at all'. i kinda shrugged my shoulders wryly and just reminded him that my wife and i had re-married back last july, but were now separated and heading again for divorce and that it was tough. he insisted things would get better in time..

flash ahead 15 minutes..his son, a younger high school kid comes up to me in the middle of a set and says, 'do you know that my dad's been training your ex-wife at the other gym location for two months?' (wy wife and i have had no contact for 2 months). okay, so the kid doesn't understand we're not divorced yet. i was taken aback by this...his next words: 'my dad would kill me if he knew i told you..please don't tell him'. he must have said this four times..seemed scared. the kid likes me..i've given him some training pointers, but he's far too young to understand the complexity of emotion of men, divorce and the ancillary issues..

so, what's the big deal? i know for a fact that my wife has had her 'personal trainer' calling her constantly, at least for a period, trying to get her to go out with him. how do i know? up until about two weeks ago i used to 'peek in' at a forum she posts on..and i got to read all about it. i quit reading when it just got too painful to read, whether nice posts or otherwise. anyway, she even mentioned the fact that his behavior was 'inappropriate'. kudos to her..seriously.

apologies to everyone, but my estranged wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet..hands down. no woman ever moved me so..from the moment my eyes met hers, i was..done. i was hers. she was more 'aphrodite' to me than i could ever have hoped in my widest dreams. howmuch does that suck going forward? a lot...so...of course men notice her. she got hit on all the time while we were married..guys driving by would cat-call, etc. it was just something i had to accept, but i always trusted her..for what it's worth, that belief of the past has never changed in spite of circumstances..

so...this is a 'man thing'..get me? this guy..who had met my wife..a casual friend, but still friend, has apparently been or was for a while trying to hit on her and get her to go out. from what i read, my wife had no interest. like me, she's learned that this healing..this..grieving..will take some time. does she appreciate a man's attention? of course, she's a woman, but she doesn't like to be 'leered at'..were a man to approach her politely (not staring at her ample bosom, beautiful eyes, etc.) and expressed interest, she would then feel 'complimented'. she's no tramp.

but this guy...i think is an effing snake. maybe it's just me?? i have a very firm code of ethical conduct where another man's woman is concerned. married? off effing limits...separated? off effing limits. divorced? still not very classy, but i have no rights, no argument..i'd have to let it pass. but this had me effing furious. so much so that two trainers kept me in the corner until he left the building because i was prepared to make another little trip to jail and jack his ass out into the parking lot for disrespecting me, my marriage..man to man.

kudos to my wife. i couldn't 'date' right now either. i may talk to a woman here and there, but dating? no. i'm not divorced yet..even still, i think it's wise to take some time, process, learn and grow from mistakes and what i've also learned from this marriage.

am i wrong here? i mean..i was effing hot...the guy was asking how 'i'm doing' knowing full well i don't know he's been training my wife and trying to get her to go out. fellas, bigchill was about to drop a big, hard southern ass-whoopin' in the parking lot. i wanted to grab asphalt so badly i had to do an hour on the treadmill after my workout to chill...big.

wrong? or right? next time i see the guy, i'll say nothing..he'd best read my body language and stay the eff away from this guy. if he walks up and asks me, 'how are you doing these days?' again. simple. i say, 'who are you asking for..me or my wife?' his reply will dictate whether or not he gets his ass handed to him. okay, so some of you may take this as a stupid 'testosterone jerk rant' on my part...help me out here..tell me. chill...or 'kill' (kidding)..but you get the picture. messing with a man's wife has provoked way more than one act of passion in this world...dangerous *****.

thanks. rant over. would you feel played a little by your 'friend'..??

[RoninLB]

don't get locked up or sued.



if you can't figure out a way to abuse him with innuendos or relegate him to a lower form of humanity stay away.

and old hurt from relationships are never forgotten.

[SlowToady]

Sweet **** man, that "friend" is lucky that you don't have *my* temper. Believe me when I say I'd have something for him. You're a hell of a man for not acting on that impulse to kick the **** out of him. Kudos to you, and I'm not kidding.

No, it's NOT just you --he's total snake. HE KNOWS YOU'RE MARRIED TO HER AND HE STILL TRIED?!?!?! And then had the BALLS to try and talk to you and be cool to you? While he's going after your WIFE behind your back? What a spineless, morally bankrupt snake.

By the way, as you noticed, the whole situation is a testament to your wife's character. Kudos to her, as well.

You're the last person that should be apologizing here; I was really quite moved, and angered, by your story. I really don't know what else to say, except that I feel quite badly for your situation, and I'm sorry.

[Sapporo Guy]

Gotta think aobut his kid. He clued you in. IF you had confronted the guy you would have blown the confidence that the kid gave you.


As for the his jerk dad. You can now reply the next time, "ask my wife" -- and give him a wink
You'll know then if he's a man or not.

IF your wife accepts his advances ... then you'll know what kind of woman she is.

[Dottore]

You're separated. It didn't work out. And you're getting divorced.

Now you need to learn to let go.

Full stop.

[rattlsnak]

but this guy...i think is an effing snake. maybe it's just me?? i have a very firm code of ethical conduct where another man's woman is concerned. married? off effing limits...separated? off effing limits. divorced? still not very classy, but i have no rights, no argument..i'd have to let it pass.

Apparantly he does not have the same code of conduct.

But lets be real........ I think most guys view seperation as 'on limits'. I think you're a little bit to jealous/hurt to see that at this point.

Remember..... it takes two to tango......

And lets flip the coin... how would your {wife} feel if a woman hit on you right now?

[911Rob]

I'm with you Big Chill.
Pound the ***** out of him Ryan, its your women and he knows it.
My Wife, My Daughters, My Sisters and even My Mom.
Mess with any of them and you're messing with me!
No words, lines crossed, just a good punch in the head to get things started.
The boy will also learn a valuable lesson, some life skill training that he's sure not to get from good 'ol sleeze dad.

At the very least you'll need to do a face to face with this guy and sooner than later.

[rattlsnak]

Pound the ***** out of him Ryan, its your women and he knows it.

Thats not true,... they are SEPERATED.... as in she is 'free game'........

Seperated means its all over but the paperwork.......

[kstar]

Originally Posted by Dottore

You're separated. It didn't work out. And you're getting divorced.

Now you need to learn to let go.

Full stop.

+1

Get your mind off of her and move on.

I wish you the best in that regard.

Best medicine is getting out and going on a date, IMO.

Best,

Kurt

[Sapporo Guy]

If you touch the guy, I bet your chances with your "spouse" have ended.

Stay home and be unhappy, she may be happy but ... are you?
Go out and get some, she may be pissed and might miss you more, or ... is willing to sign again.

What is her opinion on separation? Does she feel she is free to play or is sitting at home and thinking it out?

ooops, that's a tangent.

Dude, lots of people are here with you!

[bigchillcar]

wow..lot's of great input and differing opinions..i was hoping for good debate on the issue. i don't want to be totally blinded by androgens..

good advice, ron..really don't want to go back to jail for something stupid again.

toady - appreciate it. same, rob..you can relate to how i felt.

dottore - fair enough.

rattlsnak - point is the guy's a friend..not a stranger. i'd view that totally different. and i am old-fashioned. i'm not doing anything until i'm divorced. i'm not holding her to the same standard, but she seems to feel similarly. separated is 'fair game? i guess for some, not for others..fair enough. not sure how she'd feel about me 'getting hit on'..may still be a sore spot for her, but doubt she'd blame me either.

sapporo - this may clinch it for many. it's over..i guess like some have said..it's just 'paperwork now'..but we both still hurt about it, true enough. the body's just still a 'little warm' for a friend to move in imho. like a guy chasing his best friend's widow before the body's cold in the grave kinda feeling..

kurt - just not ready to get serious dating..

[MMARSH]

Correct me if I'm wrong, But I think you get that your seperated and what goes along with that, but it's the fact that this guy is a "Friend" and is trying to hook up with her, then act like you guys are cool . I know how hard it was not to go and kick his ass. I had a similiar experience a long time ago and went after the guy. I can honestly say I was seeing red. I personally never want to be that angry again. You did the right thing not going after him, but I understand your anger.

In regards to your feelings about your wife. I understand those feelings as well and I wonder if I'll ever feel that for another woman.

[bigchillcar]

Originally Posted by MMARSH

Correct me if I'm wrong, But I think you get that your seperated and what goes along with that, but it's the fact that this guy is a "Friend" and is trying to hook up with her, then act like you guys are cool . I know how hard it was not to go and kick his ass. I had a similiar experience a long time ago and went after the guy. I can honestly say I was seeing red. I personally never want to be that angry again. You did the right thing not going after him, but I understand your anger.

In regards to your feelings about your wife. I understand those feelings as well and I wonder if I'll ever feel that for another woman.

bingo..

[Hawktel]

Have fun with this. My X wife told she wanted a divorce, and it was my fault due to some things from my past.

Only later after I felt like **** for a month, that the part about her cheating on me, and her new flame moved in less than a week after I left.

I still miss her, but she is gone. It would hurt like hell, but if she was on fire in the street, I wouldn't stop to piss on her. I'd walk away, and cry my eye's out later.

[KaptKaos]

He's not your friend. Your expectations are misplaced. Tell him to fuch off if you want, but leave it there.

Violence won't help. It will make you feel good for about 15 seconds and then you'll have to deal with hours, days, weeks, months, years of legal problems. Plus you never know the health of someone you want to beat the snot out of. It could turn horribly wrong, very fast. Let it go.

Go out, find a rebound girl.

[911Rob]

There comes a point in a MANs life when he has to make a decision.
No regrets.

I would not let this guy go too far without an eyeball to eyeball, period.
I'd be sporting my best fighting clothes when that happened too.
The fact that the ghey is a friend just makes it that much more important to get 'er done.
Face to Face ASAP
We're talking about Mrs. BigChillar here!

[bigchillcar]

Originally Posted by 911Rob

There comes a point in a MANs life when he has to make a decision.
No regrets.

I would not let this guy go too far without an eyeball to eyeball, period.
I'd be sporting my best fighting clothes when that happened too.
The fact that the ghey is a friend just makes it that much more important to get 'er done.
Face to Face ASAP
We're talking about Mrs. BigChillar here!

rob..i'm staying far away from your wife, daughters, mother..granny if she's still alive!

[bigchillcar]

hawktel..it can be a fine line, can't it..

kaos - rebounding always worked well in my 20's..not so good in my 30's...guessing in my 40's even worse.

[slodave]

Rebound with a 20 year old...

[DonDavis]

Hell Ryan,
Here's my .02 worth. I wouldn't put too much confidence in the son either. No telling if he's "reporting" back to dad.

My advice? Have a man to man conversation with him. Ask point blank if he is your friend or your soon-to-be ex's suitor. Tell him he can't and won't be both. He decides and you let it end there. Peacefully.

20+ years ago, I got hammered and almost broke the bros before hos creed. I did not touch the girl but made clear advances. The next day the bro and I talked and he said we were cool. I felt like crap then and can't begin to imagine doing that now.

I'm recently divorced and know that eventually (if not already) my ex will be "out there". I've mentally dealt with it and understand what lies ahead.

You'll be fine. Hell, AZ is just a hop skip and a jump from you. Come out for a weekend and we'll have a few beers, hang out with Porsche dudes and grill some steaks! I'm serious!