Wife wants in-laws to move in.....need opinions

[berettafan]

Short version: Wife's father is dying (cancer) and best guess is he has something on the order of months left. Lots of associated problems from pain meds, etc (confusion, paranoia, incontinence, you name it).

Their home is approx. 3hrs away but they have been living in their friend's vacation home for the past several months. this home is 10 minutes from us. the financial situation is not dire but her mother, who is completely ignorant of finances, says they will be moving back to their home next month as the vacation house will no longer be available (free). I have been suggesting they rent a home nearby (to facilitate my wife being nearby) and rent out their home in Pa (which is currently for sale but in this market...). Her dad is fairly hip to the idea but her mom refuses claiming they 'can't afford it'. without going into detail her assessment is wrong.

So, my wife wants them to move in with us (1900 sf home, 3br) and our 3 1/2yr old. I told her no 6 months ago because of the following:
-our son does not need to watch is 'papa' die in his own home.
-there are very dangerous meds that would be in the house with my son.
-my wife does not need to watch her father die in our bedroom.
-i do not want to endure decades of my wife sighing every time she walks into our bedroom because of what will undoubtedly be difficult memories (they would be in our room).
-to be totally honest, i don't want to deal with her mother. she is difficult under the best of circumstances. i also don't want to lose my home for however many months over this just because her mother won't listen to what, imo, has been fantastic advice on my part. i know that's ugly but i might as well be honest about it.

So, i appeal to you guys for advice/opinions on this. I've told my wife i will no longer insist against it but have more or less begged her to not do it. She feels she would be turning her back on her parents.

I appreciate all opinions...even those that might say i am a total *******.

erik

[Rot 911]

That is a tough position to be in. If other arrangements could be worked out, that is probably what I would do. On the other hand, our parents took care of us when all we could do is drool and crap our diapers. Don't we owe the same thing to them when they are helpless?

[KaptKaos]

Can you pay for the rent on a place nearby for them? Or possibly split it?

Otherwise, I agree with Kurt.

[motion]

Erik, you're being an *********. Suck it up and do the right thing. You asked for it

[berettafan]

i don't really see that as an option. nor would her mother.

[Rikao4]

Sorry to hear ,
I can tell you a close friend recently did this.
Her father was dying, and they did this.
ugly scene, almost destroyed their marriage..it got to the point of
'just die already', everyone lashing out at everyone.He didn't want to go home anymore..
good luck, and I don't mean to sound cruel..
pray that.. he goes quickly & as painfree as possible.
Rika

[Dueller]

Wow. Tough one. Sorry to hear about your dad in law.

My gut reaction is to get them a small efficiency apartment near you. Outfit it with a hospital bed. Bring in some of their persoanl belongings so it is homey. Get hospice involved. Make your home open and available to them for visits.

Even if you have to sudsidize the rent or pay it out of your pocket (hopefully with help from the other siblings) to make mom in law more at ease.

I think you're well within your rights. I know wife doesn't understand now but she will eventually.

[berettafan]

oops, was referring to Kurt's post.

motion, thank you.

[Dueller]

Addendum: They seem to be OK with the idea of separate living spaces as evidenced by staying at the vacation home. I'd bet they'd all go for it if it was approached from the view that mother/father in law need their own space privacy during this difficult time.

Problem is you have to figure out a way for thios to be your wife's idea.

If its either move back to their home or camp in yours, you'll just have to let them move in.

[Tobra]

It is not forever. Your wife's mother is going to need some support, easier if they are close. If you broach the subject as giving them their own space, you should be able to put them in a nearby apartment

[bivenator]

Berettafan, I got a bad feeling about this for you. You, like most men are thinking with logic. Your wife is thinking with her emotions. She also, understandably has more at stake here emotionally. I think the scenario with the parents moving in may in the long run give your wife more peace of mind during this difficult time. If you stand firm and don't let them in, then the long term peace/happiness in your marriage may be jepordized. Your wife could build up some resentment toward you if the death of her father has some complicating factors. (i.e. he passes and she is not there at the moment of passing) I would suggest that if both parents move in, establish with your wife an exit strategy for the mom moving back out on her own after her husband passed. I can see the mom sticking around and that would seem to be a bad thing for you. Best of luck with this sticky situation. I will probably be faced with a similar one in the next few years.
Scott

[RickM]

My father is very near the end right now. He has/is experiencing much of what your FIL is going through.

My brother lives at home with him and does alot of the caretaking. We also have two paid caretakers and a nurse who alternate to provide care the majority of the time. Despite the hospital bed, wheel chair and other equipment it is a struggle to accommodate my dad's needs in a home setting....especially since it's a center hall colonial.

Last night he was transported to a "compassionate care" hospice in a nearby town (for the third time). There is no substitute for round-the-clock, professional nursing given in an environment that is designed for this purpose.

Unfortunately these hospice facilities are available for maybe a week or two and either the patient passes or goes home. It's quite stressful for all involved.

So, IMO, if this situation were to play out in my home, with wife and daughter, it would be quite a struggle to provide the care my dad deserves.

[carambola]

once grams moves in, she ain't movin' out.
at that point you would have to arrange a place in florida

[stomachmonkey]

Have had family and close friend situations like this.

Close friend situation worked out well. But my friend was in his early 20's when Poppy passed and Poppy had already been living with them for 10 years prior.

On the family side (my stepdads) it was a nightmare. Not good for anyone.

My one problem with your position is you are deciding for your wife what you think is the best thing for her. In my experience people do not react positively to that.

I do think your points are valid but I feel as if you are using your wifes feelings to justify your position. You don't want them there. There is nothing wrong with that. It is your house as well. You have a voice.

You did not address what happens after f-in law passes. What is m-in law going to do then? Stay with you or get her own place? That's a critical part of how you proceed.

My wife and I are very open and up front with our kids re death. We tell it like it is, we don't sugar coat it. Still this could get ugly and have a lasting impact on your son. I'm on the fence about how much he should be exposed to this. My gut says limit it.

My opinion on this is you should find them a suitable place nearby and foot the bill yourself if you can afford it. If that is not an option then they move in with you.

Good luck.

[MRM]

My inlaws lived with my family for several years in a 1750 square foot four level split. With two small kids and the in laws it was a very tight fit. As the boys got older it was just too small. And that was with healthy, vigorous in laws who took care of the boys during the day and basically were a second set of parents.

I don't think it is a realistic option for your inlaws to move in with you. You may be in a no-win situation because your wife and MIL may never forgive you for putting your foot down, but they may neverforgive you for the mess that will result if you let them move in, either. They are thinking emotionally and not rationally right now.

To make an in law situation work you need separate spaces. You need enough room that everyone is comfortable, no one feels like they are being crowded, and you all need a space of your own that you all can retreat to just to be alone. The bedrooms need their own bathrooms at a minimum. Two kitchens is even better.

Then there is the relationship issue. They will be living in YOUR house. This makes a huge difference and reverses the parent/child relationship. You have to be the boss in your house. They have to be guests. It is hard to do.

Now multiply every tiny issue and discomfort by the stress that having a dying father/husband/father in law/ grandfather is going to bring. What to cook for breakfast will someday erupt into an issue that makes the causes of the Civil War look trivial. Who cleans up after father in law, where to put the meds, the home health care aids, etc., will be worse.

I think it will be worse for you in the long run if they move in. Renting a place nearby is a great solution if it is at all possible. When my situation got difficult a neighbor's house came up for sale in a price range we could afford and we bought it. It was worth its weight in gold. I really recommend finding a way to keep them in their own space. best of luck to you all.

[Dueller]

Another advantage of getting them a small place nearby is that neither your wife or MIL will have to continue to live where dad/hubby passed and deal with the associated memories of his final days.

[alf]

I have a Chinese fable to share from my childhood...this is the Cliff Notes version

There was a wealthy merchant in the Sung Dynasty that had an aging mother who lived with his wife and son of 6. As she grew older, the old lady became so weak that she could hardly hold a rice bowl to feed herself and often dropped and broke them.

One day, the merchant's wife had an iron rice bowl made for her MIL so that she could not break it. The old mother took it in stride and with great difficulty ate her meals out of a iron heavy rice bowl. Soon she got passed away.

Not wanting any remnants of the old woman in her home, the wife ordered that everything of her MIL thrown away. Upon seeing the iron rice bowl getting thrown out, the young son of 6 stopped his parents. In surprise, his parents asked why he would want to keep such things...he responded "so I could let you use it when you grow old of course".

Try to think beyond how this will impact you in the next 12 months, how will you and your family think about your actions in the next 20, 30 or 40 years?

[RickM]

IMO, there are cultural differences to contend with.
As much as I would like to be surrounded by my family 24/7 when I'm on the verge of passing, I realize that it may not be realistic and it would hurt more to see my needs being the cause of chaos.

I do a agree that one must do whatever possible to keep the ailing family member comfortable and insuring them, through your actions, that they are loved.

[71T Targa]

I don't have any idea what you should do. But if it were me, I'd welcome them in my house in a heart beat.

[LeeH]

+1 on Hospice. My family has had two wonderful experiences with hospice. My dad passed away 10 years ago and my brother last month. In both cases the folks from hospice were compassionate and knowledgeable. I can't say enough about how much they helped us.