Porn Addiction...my story...

[bigchillcar]

well, told myself that i'd do this and post about it, so nows that time i suppose. it will probably bring a host of points of view, but this is just my own story and i'm not here to judge others for their own consumption. i had a huge problem..and it's cost me personally an awful lot in wasted time at the very least, great intimacy at its worst.

porn entered my life over 25-years ago i'd estimate and began fairly innocuously i felt, in the form of the men's mags available at the time..late 70's/early 80's. i'll also preface by saying that because in my own family, my father had an affair that tore apart the family, i got to see first hand how infidelity hurts people/destroys relationships. it left a very strong impression on me as a teenager, and as such, i've never once 'cheated' on a girlfriend who i'd had a real/implied commitment with or my wife. i just put infidelity into a 'box of things' that morally/ethically i simply will not do. i avoid situations where i could find myself approached. i'm sure many of you may relate to this behavior as well.

okay, so i've never 'cheated', but never perceived porn as cheating until recently. anyway, after men's mags came - the video. accidentally found one around 1980 and for several years, it's all that i had. another couple of years, i acquired a few more until my move to miami by the end of the decade. i did have a couple of gf's in the 80's, but mostly that was time spent as a young man in the clubs and 'serial dating' if you catch my drift..so little need for much porn.

after moving to miami, however, i found i was surrounded by video stores. the first time i entered one, i was too uncomfortable to go through with buying anything and quickly left. but curiosity finally overcame that feeling and i went inside and purchased one...and than another, then another..

i switched to renting as the cost was rather high for this stuff, and my rental rate began to skyrocket - all the while being in relationships. seems i'd developed and addictive behavior pattern..didn't matter about the gf - didn't have anything to do with whether or not i was 'happy' with them or not. it was about me..seemed to be how i was choosing to cope with stress as some might choose alcohol or drugs. still, at this time i was in a deep fog about any damage it could be doing me..or others. nobody really 'complained', so i continued. i doubt many women 'celebrate' their bf's use of porn, especially when they make no effort to hide it, but continue i did.

then came the early 90's and the exponential growth/discovery of porn on the internet. okay, so now most of the stuff was free. so, i began collecting..and collecting..and collecting. nothing illegal mind you, but the sheer volume became staggering. two long-term gf's, i finally came to realize, were indeed hurt by it and its presence most certainly played some role in my leaving those relationships, possibly because i sub-consciously felt they wouldn't approve long-term. there were other reasons, but i now know that i allowed porn-approval in general to factor in as well.

i finally met and married a woman whom i fell greatly in love with..i'd never felt such a connection on all three levels of criteria that i'd always valued most highly - emotional (she was very feelings-based like myself), mental (smartest woman i'd ever been with..very nice), and physical (it was as if god himself went inside my head and pulled a blueprint of my 'ideal woman'..still the 'most beautiful woman on the planet to me'). anyway, i'd never really felt so strongly a bond to another woman on all three levels, generally 'settling' for two out of three. so, at 40 i marry for the first time (two years ago) and for the most part, things have been, well..rocky.

without detail being necessary, my beautiful wife got a rough start in life. some very 'not so nice things' occurred long ago that affect her to this day. she's a registered nurse and a fabulous one at that..she came a long way on her own. i'm very proud of what she's accomplished, made of herself. anyway, it was felt by us both that she should seek some counseling to help deal with those issues from the past, things not of her doing, yet hurting her deeply still some 25 years later. so she did..painful as it was..she began work on her and repairing some of the painful self-esteem issues that usually result from her brand of 'pain'...very, very brave of her.

meanwhile, i continued my porn consumption, albeit not at nearly the same rate..it was still an addictive behavior that i'd just become so completely accustomed to that i never questioned whether it was right or wrong - for me - perhaps there are those of you who look at things from time to time, but never anything like i'd done. again, i'm not here to judge, but to man-up up to my habit having been a problem. interestingly, for the first time in this past quarter-century, when things were going well with my wife, i had absolutely no interest in porn..a very good thing..a miracle in itself.

we were married, divorced, then re-married..all in the span of these past two years. thing is, i used to attribute 90% of our problems to my wife's issues while taking zero responsibility for my own role. i now view our problems as 60% my own issue. you see, just as quickly as her wonderful therapist would be restoring her own wounded self-esteem, i would be breaking it right back down by her discoveries of porn on my computer. over and over i would deny it was a problem and it was just making a mess of her heart.

things came to a head the day before thanksgiving. we had been doing very well for several weeks, except for a fight that led to us separating for a few evenings..when she returned, she found a little more porn on the computer. she became angry and in a passionate moment, had had enough and wanted to destroy it. my computer, all during our marriage, had in effect become 'the other woman'. we scuffled over the thing and the police were called (by me, but not important). i was arrested over the incident, spent part of the day in jail (a first for me) and a no contact order put into place.

my wife was still very much in love with me, but her counselor agreed that it was unlikely that i would ever admit to having a problem with sex/porn addiction. during this time, i had learned about a 12-step recovery program called 'sex and love addicts anonymous' and decided maybe i should check it out. so about 3 months ago i did. at first, i felt like it wasn't the place for me. after all, these other roughly dozen men were serial 'cheaters' with 'live women', used prostitutes, had molested underage, etc. they said, 'give it six meetings'. well, i did..and i read the literature..and began to be very honest with myself..i do belong there. understand, this 'understanding' was a process..it took a bit of time. i began to have insights in the mornings after waking from bad dreams..and the shame/guilt and confusion were simply overwhelming. i began to see myself, my role in the marriage in a completely different light. i was starting to not like ryan so much..

well..my trial i had to go to is over. the case was passed for a year and i am required to attend an anger mgmt class. the no contact order has been lifted, but didn't matter..my wife had already decided that the only way that she could truly get over me was to leave the state for a few months, working as a travel nurse. i took a chance several weeks ago, violated the nc order, contacted her and she responded. we met in the church parking lot where we'd married and cried and cried. i had much i needed to tell her. i knew that she was leaving and guessed that we were indeed over. i began to apologize profusely, and as it turned out, she didn't want to divorce again either, especially if i was truly remorseful and committed to 'porn sobriety'.

i've been 'sober' now for nearly a month. i helped my wife get to california when she became stuck in a snowstorm in new mexico, flew into flagstaff and drove her the rest of the way..spent a nice week..and plan to return for another visit very soon. there's still a lot of healing to have to happen - i have to deal with the fact that i've hurt myself, my wife and others by my past actions. it was time for me to man-up, and that's what i did. so what i do now, i do first for me, second for my wife and marriage. porn is now in that 'box' reserved for things that i simply will not do...

finally, i'm not here to judge others. i know many of you guys look at porn to some degree or another, and probably for most it isn't 'a problem'..but maybe some of you feel as i do or came to feel..like something about it just isn't working right in your life. maybe you have an addictive personality and this stuff is simply toxic for you as well. how toxic is too toxic? well, i threw away about 60+ vhs tapes, a couple dozen dvd's and deleted approximately 250 GIGABYTES (wrap your mind around that) of porn from my computers and a portable hard drive. for the first time in 25 years..i have a porn-free house..and a chance to have a more loving, intimate relationship with a woman who deserves nothing less from the man she married.

[bigchillcar]

i've manned-up. i had a problem..and will continue my program to insure that it stays out of my life. if any of you wish to contact me with any specific questions about this, feel free to write to me at ryanvestal@hotmail.com. my pm box fills too quickly. also, information on the st. Augustine fellowship of S.L.A.A may be found at the following website:

http://www.slaaonline.org/index.htm

if some of you guys think i really suck for posting this, it's just something i feel very strongly about..the stuff became way toxic for my life, period..ymmv. on the other hand, it may resonate with some of you. thanks for taking the time to listen to my story. being a 'man' isn't always easy, but i do feel that it's incumbent upon us to be the best men that we can be..this is a necessary, long-overdue part of that path for me. 'to thine own self be true..'
best,
ryan

[MikeSid]

Good god that took serious balls to post. Sounds like you are on a good path to recovery. I wish you the best.

[slodave]

Hey, your working on the issue and hopefully things will work out.

Maybe you should put your collection up for sale in the Used parts section.

You're supposed to buy the mags for the articles!

Good luck Ryan!

[JeremyD]

Way to man up ryan - good for you - your first step - now stay true my friend.

[widebody911]

I used to be a serious porn-surfer. Not so much for the porn itself, but for the technical challenges of getting stuff for free. It was a great way to hone my my IT skills - I would write bourne and perl scripts to parse through web sites, and download and manipulate images. I don't do this much any more, not because of any pr0n epiphany, but rather the 'newer' stuff just isn't very interesting - I find most of the stuff to be a turn off.

[Mo_Gearhead]

That made my eyes mist up ...oh, no, not the story ...this part.
_______________
QUOTE: "i threw away about 60+ vhs tapes, a couple dozen dvd's"


(Someone was gonna say it, I'll be the ********* today!)

[Hendog]

Congratulations! Your post is truly encouraging. I battle the same thing, maybe not close to the same level of consumption, but that isn't what matters, any amount IS the problem. Again, as Ryan said, this is our personal viewpoint and not a judgement call on others. Thanks for your post. I commend you.

[livi]

Ryan,

You are a rare bread in the most positive meaning. A seldom seen mix of sensitivity and action. A true man.

You are very openly relating a subject that, I bet, most men can relate to in one form or the other. I certainly can. Feeling as I understand you do, that you now have dealt with this issue, come out clean as it were and feeling good about it is all fine. I am truly happy for you. Porn is one of man´s most primitive addictions and a tough opponent to beat.

[kach22i]

Originally Posted by bigchillcar

............ maybe you have an addictive personality

We all have faults, which ones are because of an Addictive Personality?

Is the definition and consequence of an Addictive Personality what we should be focusing on regarding the topic of porn?

Brave post.

[KFC911]

Good luck to you Ryan...you've got a bunch of us pulling for you (err....scratch that ), you've got a bunch of us on your side and hoping this all works out for both of you!

[NICKG]

i found that if you get your wife to wach WITH you it is MUCH easier...good thing you never saw that stuff livi getys! omg!

[Steve PH]

Kudos Mr Bigchillcar! Seriously it takes balls to post something up like that. This sort of think makes you think about your own personal porn intake, take a step back and whether its completely healthy?

Its heartening to read of someone who has looked at an aspect of their life realised there is an issue and turned it around. So many other people end up screwing them selves up with addictions of one sort and another.

[Overpaid Slacker]

Good luck Ryan. Very impressed with your strength, your ability to face and address your weaknesses, and the character it takes to share with your friends in hope of helping them.

You are a good man.

JP

[Joeaksa]

Took a lot of guts to post what you did and you have made the next step.

Keep your nose pointed into the wind and do what feels right for you. Glad to see that the two of you are back together and make it forever this time!

Joe

[nostatic]

addiction is addiction. What I've found is that addictive personalities (ahem...um...err...not that I know anything about them) are pretty constant. You essentially just swap one target for another until you deal with the underlying issues. And you're in a constant battle. It doesn't just "get cured." People who are not addictive have no idea...

[scottmandue]

Takes a big man to put up that post, and a bigger man to recognize and deal with the problem described.

Good for you Ryan.

I have had my share of battles with addictive behavior, some still going on.

I expect some teasing from the manly men here but most of them just don't have the insight to know how fuched up they really are.

[Drago]

Originally Posted by nostatic

People who are not addictive have no idea...

I have no idea of what you're talking about.

[Rot 911]

Good for you Ryan. I know you are a much stronger person inside then you give yourself credit for. On the other hand you know you could have given me all of that porn to take home when I was at your house last month!

[djmcmath]

Wow. That was really stunning. I'm blown away by your openness and honesty on a topic that is so private. Many men won't even admit that porn is a problem at all, let alone that it's a problem for them personally. You've earned a huge amount of respect from me. Thank you for sharing.

Dan