How do you and your spouse share financial obligations?

[Rick Lee]

I got a very rude awakening today when I asked my wife to give me half of April’s rent, which I need to pay tomorrow for our new place in Phoenix. She makes the exact same money I do and she even picked out the place in Phoenix. I paid the whole sec. dep. out of m pocket 10 days ago. When we got engaged last year and she moved in, I threw out a number - $500 - for her to pay in rent until we got married and figured out our tax situation. Housing costs in VA are $2000 a month between mortgage, condo fee and utilities. Of course, I owned this place before I met her so I own all the furnishings too.

So we did our taxes and I got $3500 back (I’m not happy about that), while she owed $450. So I said I’d use my refund to pay for the move and would also pay her taxes. She was under the impression that this sweetheart deal would continue in Phoenix, where she'd pay about ¼ of the housing costs and gets to spend her money as she wishes, while I am responsible for everything else, including fixing anything that breaks. So we had a huge fight about this and I am genuinely worried about our future.

My job situation over the last 1.5 yrs. has been bad and I’ve made less than I did before. Yet, I’ve been paying 3x what she pays to live in the same house. And I'm not even going into the several months where she lived here rent free before we got serious, despite my constantly hounding her to find her own place. I will be renting out the VA house for about even money and I have no idea what effect that will have on our taxes for 2008. But it seems to me to be pretty fair for both of us to be sharing housing costs. She obviously disagrees vehemently, though she could not give me a single reason why this current arrangement was fair, other than the fact that she thinks nothing of renting a basement room somewhere, doesn’t care about having a garage and was not as enthusiastic as I was about moving to Phoenix. Of course, she knew from the day she met me that I had planned to move out west and she went out there with me twice to scout things out (I paid for those trips too). I made sure this was well understood before we got married. Now it turns out she didn’t think I was really serious about moving to Phoenix, so she always just said she was for it. Kinda late for that, since she’s already given notice at her job, we’ve signed a lease in Phoenix, have the VA place rented out for two years starting Apr. 1 and my company has already made an announcement about my taking over our SW territory. Oh, and my BMW’s are already in Phoenix or en route, the movers are coming here Thurs. and we’re pretty much well past the point of no return.

I know everyone’s situation is different, but am curious about how other couples manage their finances. Of course, if I made 3-4x what my wife makes, I’d have no problem paying a proportionate amount. But now we have this lease, it’s pretty much a done deal and it took about two hours of arguing before she got her checkbook out today. What to do?

[lendaddy]

IMHO you should each put everything but your walking around money into a joint account. Who makes how much is unimportant, you're a team now.

Even with our massive financial troubles of the last few years we never fight about money as there's no mystery or secrecy.

I wish you luck.

[pwd72s]

Rick? Maybe you haven't been married that long??? Cindy & I don't think of money and possessions in the terms of his/hers...other than personal items like clothing, jewelry, pool cues, guns, etc. Nope...most money things, it's "ours"...we discuss it a lot. Some time ago, me nervous about the market, I voted for 60-40, bonds-equities. Today, that seems a good move. But in earlier years, she wanted to be a lot more into equities, and I agreed. That was also a good move.

Really...when you both start thinking "ours"? Only then will you really be married...The ceremony and the paperwork of marriage means little.

[lendaddy]

I just reread your post and the last part is disturbing. Are you SURE that you communicated your intentions on moving properly? If you did......well that's just seriously effed up.

[the]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

I am genuinely worried about our future.

Good luck. I don't think it's going to end well, but good luck.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Really...when you both start thinking "ours"? Only then will you really be married...The ceremony and the paperwork of marriage means little.

I've been trying to get that into her head too. She seems to think this house is my toy investment and that just because her name isn't on title, it's my problem. I really don't know how to get her to think in terms of "ours". My last resort today was to remind her of our interview coming up for her green card. She thought a marriage certificate was all that was needed. I said if that were the case, they wouldn't bother asking us to come in for an interview. They want to see co-mingled finances and assets and right now the only thing we have to prove such is a signed lease on the Phoenix place. Just because she has my address on her driver's license and name on my bank account (still haven't ordered checks with both our names on them) doesn't exactly cut it.

[MRM]

Couldn't agree with both of the above more. Everything here goes into a joint account. We spend from it on necessities without consultation. We each spend small purchases on ourselves or each other without consultation. Anything big we talk over. We don't have a set figure on what requires consultation, but I can say it's not hard to tell what I can and can't buy without clearing it first. If we hadn't worked it out like that we would have set aside a hobby acount for each of us and pooled the rest. Most people seem to prefer a budgeted hobby account and everything else going into a joint account. The joint account pays for all housing, groceries, gas, house payment, insurance, taxes, savings and investments. Set a budget for all that and whose money pays for what sorts itself out.

[Aurel]

I make make all the money, my wife does not work. She spends all she wants, all I ask ask is to have enough money left for my porsche rebuild. Works for us.

Aurel

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by MRM

Couldn't agree with both of the above more. Everything here goes into a joint account. We spend from it on necessities without consultation. We each spend small purchases on ourselves or each other without consultation. Anything big we talk over. We don't have a set figure on what requires consultation, but I can say it's not hard to tell what I can and can't buy without clearing it first. If we hadn't worked it out like that we would have set aside a hobby acount for each of us and pooled the rest. Most people seem to prefer a budgeted hobby account and everything else going into a joint account. The joint account pays for all housing, groceries, gas, house payment, insurance, taxes, savings and investments. Set a budget for all that and whose money pays for what sorts itself out.

Yep...and Rick? Only thing I can say is that you DO have a problem. Perhaps ask yourself why she married you??? Was it because you were superman in bed??? What???

[Rot 911]

My wife and I are like the guys who have already posted. All joint accounts. I pay all the bills and make the investments. She knows whatever is in the checking account is ok to spend as long as the big purchases are discussed in advanced.

Oh and everything we own is owned jointly. I've always thought spouses with separate accounts are starting off on the wrong foot.

Rick, these problems you have are only going to escalate unless you get them straightened out NOW!

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by Aurel

I make make all the money, my wife does not work. She spends all she wants, all I ask ask is to have enough money left for my porsche rebuild. Works for us.

Aurel

Man...a"whipped" statement if I ever read one.

[Tishabet]

Originally Posted by lendaddy

IMHO you should each put everything but your walking around money into a joint account. Who makes how much is unimportant, you're a team now.

100% agreed... get a joint account. When my wife (then girlfriend) and I bought our first place, we stumbled on this issue as well... she made about 1/2 of what I did, but really wanted to pay for her "full share" of the mortgage etc. Let me tell you, splitting bills fairly is hard enough with roommates... it's impossible with your wife/girlfriend/whatever.

You can't think about it like "my wife makes 50k/year and I make 100k/year." You need to think about it like "we make $150k a year."

You're a team now. You and your wife are not going to get ahead financially if you're always trying to get your full slice of the pie or leave nothing on the table... your futures are intertwined, to the end.

[Gogar]

Sorry Rick. You need a joint account. If she ever leaves you, she's going to take half of that $hit, so she might as well help pay for it. If she's unwilling to get a joint account, well . . . . . . there's your sign.

Of course, I have no experience at all, so it's just a gut reaction.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Yep...and Rick? Only thing I can say is that you DO have a problem. Perhaps ask yourself why she married you??? Was it because you were superman in bed??? What???

Well, asking her that today would have been out of frustration and that's not productive. However, I remember vividly, and she also reminded me of it today, that she said she'd move anywhere to be with me and that was years two or three ago. I jokingly told her I'd move anywhere in the world she wanted to go if she'd pay 3/4 of the housing costs and I was only on the hook for 1/4 of them. And I really think I would move anywhere for that kind of deal.

Kurt, I also plan to have all things jointly owned in the future. But getting married at the tender age of 36, you tend to already have some things, including loans, that aren't so easy to just refi for the sake of having her name on it. No way in the world am I giving up my 4.375% interest rate on this house just to have her name on the title and note. Doesn't make sense for either of us.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by Tishabet

You can't think about it like "my wife makes 50k/year and I make 100k/year." You need to think about it like "we make $150k a year."

You're a team now. You and your wife are not going to get ahead financially if you're always trying to get your full slice of the pie or leave nothing on the table... your futures are intertwined, to the end.

But I DO think that way now. It's especially easy math since we make exactly the same money.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by Gogar

Sorry Rick. You need a joint account. If she ever leaves you, she's going to take half of that $hit, so she might as well help pay for it.

I reminded her of that today. Since I could soon be upside down on this house, she'd be on the hook for half that debt.

[Rot 911]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

But I DO think that way now. It's especially easy math since we make exactly the same money.

Rick, you think this way, but obviously she does not. I am not trying to bring you down, but you have one serious hurdle to overcome with her.

[Aurel]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Man...a"whipped" statement if I ever read one.

Hehe, I saw you lurking around, and I went trolling for ya. Worked as expected, hook line and sinker.

Aurel

[Tishabet]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

But I DO think that way now. It's especially easy math since we make exactly the same money.

I guess I should really have said "Neither of you can think about it like "my spouse makes 50k/year and I make 100k/year." You need to think about it like "we make $150k a year.""

It's definitely an idea that needs buy-in all around.

[Hugh R]

Rick you need to do a rethink here. Your married, what's yours is hers and vice versa. I make about 4X what my wife makes, (our choice from raising kids, married 25 years). Before we were married, she made A LOT more than me. We dump it all in one account. That also includes the 1/4 mill from the sale of the DB4! Never ever considered saying it was separate even though I owned it a good 10 years before I met her. The value of the car went up from about $10K when I met her to it's value when I sold it. Our monies went into its maintenance "restoration" actually it was never restored, just maintained. When I sold it, we agreed on a few upgrades to the house, but I made it clear that it wasn't found money to go crazy with. She agreed 100% and we haven't had any problems. If you think this is a temporary wife, go and keep it seperate. If not you should be able to trust her with your life.

What's yours is hers and whats hers is hers? I'd be worried, very worried.