Bachelorhood or relationship?

[jhynesrockmtn]

Without boring you with 20 years of history I got divorced last year after 21 years of marriage. I have two great kids to show for it, 18 and 15 so even though the marriage was very lonely on many fronts I don't have too many regrets. I'm 44, financially in decent shape, halfway through a masters program and in a senior position at a non profit where I like my job and care about what I do.

I was just getting on my own when I tripped over a woman who I care about a great deal. She's opened me up in many ways, the relationship is great on many levels. Physically it's night and day from the frigid days of old.

The problem is I'm pretty sure I'll never want to get married again and the more she's around, the more the other aspects of her life, especially her deadbeat kids are bugging me. They don't live with her but they are constantly asking for money, etc. even though they work full time and between them and her mom they've basically bankrupted her.

I'm not sure I want to take on the emotional baggage of dealing with someone who's a perpetual caretaker of all those around her, Kids, her Mom, her Grandma and now an unplanned grandaughter who's she's becoming a surrogate parent to because the parents suck basically.

I've got a therapist who's great but I'm looking for feedback if it's out there from others who may have walked in the shoes I'm in right now.

Is it selfish for me to want to be independant and carefree? Can people be happy without a significant other? I know I'll risk losing someone who's truly a special person but the longer I'm in this, the harder it's going to be to get out.

[legion]

Sounds like her baggage isn't compatible with where you want your life to go. That doesn't make her a bad person. It just means she isn't a good fit.

[the]

What are you asking? Are you asking if you should continue to date this woman, or if you should consider MARRYING her?

If you are asking if you should continue to date her, keep doing it until you don't want to anymore, then stop.

If you are asking if you should MARRY her, you are nuts. First, because of all that horrible baggage that is already bugging you (of course will get 100X worse) and second, you should never get married again.

IMO, the only reason to get married is to have kids. At age 44 with 2 kids already, I'm going to assume that your breeding days are behind you (as they should be). Get those tubes snipped to be sure. Since there are no future kids for you, I can't see why you would ever want to get married again. Date someone, live with them, do everything except commingle your assets and/or get married.

[Hawktel]

I can't see how you can lose by dating her, or win by marrying her.

[livi]

No rings!

If you start to feel that small irritating and annoying issues already, they will only escalate. No person own another and women can not adopt grown men. If a person actually have the luck of meeting another person they really like being around and share time with, that is a blessing. But that is also the only thing one could hope for. If a woman demands more than you are willing to give it is a loosing game. If they claim they can not be happy without marriage or what not, they will never be happy and satisfied.

[peppy]

What about the promise to the he-man woman haters club???

[911Rob]

She sounds like a wonderful lady and the relationship is probably good for you.

"Familiarity breeds contempt"

The more you get to know her, the more you'll find the human side to her. She has baggage, so what? So do you! Love her, uplift her, encourage her. She probably hasn't had too much time around a winner like you...... it'll rub off on her.

Keep going.......... enjoy life and don't be lonely anymore!

[Dan in Pasadena]

Jerry,
I was 45 and divorced after 20 years of marriage in about '00. My kids were then I think 17 and 18. I was NOT in good financial shape as you describe but I had/have a good job with a public agency, my kids were/are good kids with their act in order. I also "tripped over" a good woman who had a slightly older child than my own...with his own problems but nothing too severe. She made me remember what it is to be a man again. I owe her a LOT. We are still together and jointly own a home, a timeshare, some toys - JetSkis (keep it clean boys!) but we did not marry and I suspect we will not.

Feel free to drop me a PM and I can get more detailed in answering questions you may have curiosity about, but suffice it to say I am happy in my current situation. that said, I would caution you about what you already know and is why you are posting us:

Living with a woman (whether married or not) is not a proposition you go into without expecting a LOT of compromise. Especially when you didn't even meet until well into adulthood/middle age (sorry, I know that label hurts!). You have not had your own space; no I mean exclusively your own space and your own tastes for a long time. You might be surprised to find that would be a valuable thing to experience again. Then, there's the whole middle-aged woman and sex thing
(I KNOW first hand it doesn't seem that will be an issue with what's happening now. Been there/done that....it WILL change in some ways, trust me).

My advice to the "me-of-the-past", which is you today - Enjoy the relationship. Because you came out of a rocky and chilly marriage you are as a thirsty man crawling the desert only to find an oasis. You never want to leave....careful there. Don't lose sight of those goals you set in your head as the marriage was coming apart and before you met this woman. It is "me-first" time more than you know. Home, stability, your children, etc. all take precedence over doing "what it takes" to keep this or another woman. Feel free to reply, disagree, whatever. I am NOT saying dump her, but I am NOT saying move in or marry her either. I advise caution.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Originally Posted by 911Rob

She sounds like a wonderful lady and the relationship is probably good for you.

"Familiarity breeds contempt"

The more you get to know her, the more you'll find the human side to her. She has baggage, so what? So do you! Love her, uplift her, encourage her. She probably hasn't had too much time around a winner like you...... it'll rub off on her.

Keep going.......... enjoy life and don't be lonely anymore!

Rob posted this while I was typing my response. I don't know your life experience Rob, but you are a wise man.

Jerry, I would say FOLLOW Rob's advice. You have tripped over a diamond in the middle of the road, don't pass it by because there will probably be other, bigger diamonds on the road up ahead. Familiarity DOES breed contempt, be mindful of that. Last thing you need to do is make a mistake at this point. If she's as goodas you say, she knows that too.

Resolve to be good TO each other, and FOR each other. Resolve to help each other.

[scottmandue]

I'm kind of in the same boat... except I'm 50... met a great gal and we have been dating for a couple of months... however marriage is the farthest thing from my mind right now.

Why the talk of marriage? Is she pushing for it?

She sounds like a sweet caring person, that is probably what attracted you to her in the first place. Problem being it also sounds like her family is taking advantage of her sweet disposition.

What does your therapist say about the relationship? Would your therapist be interested in counseling you together? Would she be up to going to the therapist with you?

With my relationship we have a lot of issues... don't know that I will every meet a lady where where there will not be any conflict... but for me I know what the deal breakers are and so far we have not hit any of those. I guess you have to sit down and evaluate the relationship and see if the pluses out-weight the minuses.

I understand what you are saying... the longer you let the relationship go on the more attached you become and the more painful the separation will be if it comes.

Unfortunately most great gains in life are accompanied with great risk.

Hope that helps.

[scottmandue]

Jerry, Rob and Dan have a lot more experience than me so listen to them and take my advice with a grain of salt... and a shot of tequila.

[genrex]

I'd say keep things as they are. Two teenage kids, halfway through a masters program. Don't rock the boat. "Steady as she goes, sir."

Dating is good, birth control is good.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Scott, I just turned 53 the other day, so I am not all that far ahead of you.

One of the things that (oddly to some) most attracted me to my girlfriend was that she did not "need" me. Oh, she needed me emotionally and physically too - especially at the beginning. But she had a life, a home, a successful career. She had friends and hobbies. I LOVED that about her. She WANTED me, didn't need me. Super attractive. In the beginning, I think she expected us to marry at some point. I asked her how she felt about marriage and she said she didn't have to have it anymore (I think she was telling me what would keep us together at that point). I treat her in every way as though we are married but I do it not because there is any sense of having to; it is entirely because I want to. I am bad at "have-to's" and in my opinion, married people should be that way too.
P.S. You (all of us) will ALWAYS have "issues" with ANY one you live with. If you don't acknowledge that you are , infatuated, immature or fooling yourself. Type and number of issues
you want to deal with is entirely up to you.

[silverc4s]

F. Scott Fitzgerald's

"Three rules for living the good life"

Never eat a restaraunt called Mom's,

Never play cards with a guy named Doc,

Never sleep with a woman that has more problems than you do.

[Superman]

Originally Posted by Hawktel

I can't see how you can lose by dating her, or win by marrying her.

Well-put.

I am in a similar situation. Divorced four years ago after 23 years of marriage. I'm seeing a wonderful lady. Wonderful in just about every respect. You mention physical compatibility.......this women starts having the "O" after about fifteen seconds, and I'm always surprised she survives the ensuing ten minutes. Amazing. She should be in a circus.

I digress. As far as marriage goes, the reason I'm not okay with that idea is because I don't want to fuk anything up. I don't want to live with her, either. I want to see her, when we like, as often as we like, and I want us each to preserve our independence. No "trap" feeling. I strongly suggest you dismiss the marriage idea entirely.

In your particular instance, you can already see aspects that irritate you. That is a danger signal. And here's the big one: You are still not fully recovered from the marriage. It will take substantial more time before you have got your life and your self-esteem in order. During the time between now and then, you will be very vulnerable. A target.

[frogger]

Jerry, what do YOU want to do?

[rammstein]

Wow- a lot of you had divorces after long marriages. Any advice to me, who has been married for almost 3 years and so far everything is good?

As to the initial question, I say keep dating her and simply live day to day.

[Superman]

Yes I do have advice, Rammstein. Communicate. Lay the cards on the table, face-up. All of them. Women are more resilient than we assume. Your needs and concerns can be accommodated if they are laid out. If not, they will destroy your relationship.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Wow, some great advice.

I probably wasn't too coherent in my first post but I'm not even considering marriage, probably ever. She hasn't brought that up but the long term commitment thing I know is important to her. I already gave up half of what I worked hard to acquire over the last 25 years. It goes to my kids if I don't spend it before I die on Porsches and Bikes (with pedals for now).

I have a buddy in San Jose who told me if I ever consider getting married again he would kick my ass.

Dan, what you said is maybe one of my big issues.

One of the things that (oddly to some) most attracted me to my girlfriend was that she did not "need" me. Oh, she needed me emotionally and physically too - especially at the beginning. But she had a life, a home, a successful career. She had friends and hobbies. I LOVED that about her. She WANTED me, didn't need me. Super attractive.

When I first met her she seemed happy without someone, was on her own, applying to school and thinking about her second career after leaving the software world a few years back to take care of her dad who got sick. Now she's broke and taking care of her grandaughter full time. She doesn't have other friends but does have a good relationship with her siblings. I've talked to my therapist about whether she or anyone in her position who's a habitual caretaker can change and follow a path that is what they say they want. His advice is "not typically".

My point is she is happy with me and not making any demands. The physical part of our relationship is really, really good. I've had more great sex and intimacy in 9 months than in 20 years with my wife. However, the rest of her life is not something she's happy with or in a good position to fix. I want someone who has a full life that she is happy with whether I'm there or not. It's part of the attraction for me I guess.

Thanks, I have much to think about.

Anyone out there a perpetual bachelor and happy that way?

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

Anyone out there a perpetual bachelor and happy that way?

Perpetual bachelor yes... was I happy that way? No.

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

My point is she is happy with me and not making any demands. The physical part of our relationship is really, really good. I've had more great sex and intimacy in 9 months than in 20 years with my wife. However, the rest of her life is not something she's happy with or in a good position to fix. I want someone who has a full life that she is happy with whether I'm there or not. It's part of the attraction for me I guess.?

Sorry to sound cold but as long as it is good when the two of you are together WTF do you care what she does with the rest of her time? I mean if you are not going to get married it seems like you are obsessing over her screwed up family.

If you are looking for the perfect women bachelorhood might be a good road for you.