Borderline personality disorder - experience wanted

[dhoward]

So.
Monday night, my wife decides it's time to call it quits. OD after having the cops send me downstairs for the evening. Loong history of chronic pain, lots of drugs, low self esteem issues from childhood, abusive upbringing. Etc.

It was a poor attempt at suicide as she is well versed in pharmacuticals, but nonetheless an attempt.
Psych at the hospital has come down to BPD.
I have not been able to find a good prognosis.
At 50, I'm questioning my resolve.

Any experience?


As I type this at 2:10 am, I'm laughing a little bit because I know I couldn't pay for the insight I'm about to receive.

I've been crying for a week on the inside.

Thanks for anything.

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by dhoward

At 50, I'm questioning my resolve.

Well you typed this post, so it looks like you care.

Your wife needs to make some decisions about where this is all going. Does your wife have a pain issue, or does she simply use the docs as her dealer? I'm not trying to be cruel, but my wife is an anesthesiologist who specializes in pain, and she only does pediatrics because to her mind about 50% of the adult patients are just junkies.

If you do care, then see about getting her into drug treatment. Were just two guys talking on the internet, so I don't really know squat, but I'll bet a good portion of this 'personality disorder' hunts back to drug use. If your telling us she's a drug user, its probably worse than you know.

Buy her this book. Tell her to read it. Maybe read it yourself if you like. No 'new age' BS. Just the facts.

http://www.amazon.com/Start-Where-You-Are-Compassionate/dp/1570628394

Edit:
You may not be able to solve this. Your you. You can love her, and do all the things that a loving person should do to try and help. But don't spend the next 30 years fighting the invisible man. You won't win. I have a person in my family with a terrible personality disorder. It can draw you in. You blame yourself, and question whats really going on. I would tell others stories about what this person had done, and they looked at me like I was crazy, but I never understood why. It was only when understood that most people don't live with that kind of violence and manipulation that I could see the illness for what it is. People with personality disorders aren't 'crazy'. They can be very charming. You have to get real close, and really connect the dots to see whats going on. Sorry for the rant, but your post hit close to home.

[Rick Lee]

Gawd, I am so sorry about this. You have my utmost sympathy. I have had a suicide in the family and it worked on the first try.

As for BPD, I did have a GF who was one of the smartest ones I've ever known, a nurse, yet totally unable to recognize her problem or deal with it. A few of her break-up attempts included threats to hurt herself and one contrived preganancy scare to get me to take her back. Fortunatelt, I realized all this before marriage entered into serious discussion. A few years ago I heard she got married and separated three weeks after the wedding.

[tabs]

Exactly what is BPD...I hate labels. Tell her that you can't save her, she has to save herself, that it is never easy but achievable. That you can be there to help. She is going to have to deal with a whole host of painfull issues. Drugs are usually an escape mechanism to avoid having to deal with the pain in yourself. To get away from it, to make it go away. The solution is to hold on with dear life to it, as it is part of the real you. It is part of what makes up the whole person. She does need talk thearpy of some kind. You cann't be the Thearpist as you are subjectivily involved rather than an objective observer.

At some point you are going to have to confront her for yourself, as you cannot keep putting up with the kind of emotional drama and the concurrent stress it puts on you. You will have to save yourself, if she is unwilling to deal in and honest and responsible way with her problems.

[tabs]

BTW: Our time is up, and when would you like to make your next appointment for. Please leave a check for $200 with the secratary!

[genrex]

You haven't been able to find a good prognosis because there is none.

Borderline personality disorder is not curable or treatable. People with BPD do not know how to relate to others, and are only capable of superficial relationships. My ex-wife has borderline personality disorder. She does fine in her professional life (where she treats people as numbers), but her personal life is nonexistent. After work, she goes home to a house that looks nice on the outside (thanks to the gardener), but inside, the clutter and filth is beyond belief. She has no personal relationships. It's strange that she recognizes that her personal life is a mess, yet she cannot see how her decisions had these consequences. Typical of BPD, it's always somebody else.

She was under the care of a psychiatrist for a while, who made the diagnosis and concluded that her childhood is the root cause. Verbal abuse and humiliation from parents who were cold, distant, and unloving. She sought refuge with her "only friend".. her pet Irish Setter.

[tabs]

Sounds like Obama

[Zef]

Originally Posted by genrex

You haven't been able to find a good prognosis because there is none.

Borderline personality disorder is not curable or treatable. People with BPD do not know how to relate to others, and are only capable of superficial relationships. My ex-wife has borderline personality disorder. She does fine in her professional life (where she treats people as numbers), but her personal life is nonexistent. After work, she goes home to a house that looks nice on the outside (thanks to the gardener), but inside, the clutter and filth is beyond belief. She has no personal relationships. It's strange that she recognizes that her personal life is a mess, yet she cannot see how her decisions had these consequences. Typical of BPD, it's always somebody else.

She was under the care of a psychiatrist for a while, who made the diagnosis and concluded that her childhood is the root cause. Verbal abuse and humiliation from parents who were cold, distant, and unloving. She sought refuge with her "only friend".. her pet Irish Setter.

I'm not sure of that...A close friend is BPD and it's controlled very well....Antidepressant and anti-anxiety agents may be appropriate during particular times in the patient’s treatment, as appropriate. For example, if a client presents with severe suicidal ideation and intent, the clinician may want to seriously consider the prescription of an appropriate antidepressant medication to help combat the ideation. Medication of this type should be avoided for long-term use, though, since most anxiety and depression is directly related to short-term, situational factors that will quickly come and go in the individual’s life

[cstreit]

This sounds like a really tough time and I can understand questioning your role in it. There's only so much a guy can take without breaking himself. I believe you've partially stated your own answer in that insinuation. She needs professional help. If anything, perhaps a 3rd party "moderator" will help her see her self-destructive behavoir without the emotional attachment of hearing it from family?

I wish you the best and strength to manage through this.

[Tobra]

tabs, sometimes your insight humbles me




other times not so much


this episode is a cry for help, to use the hackneyed phrase, sounds like she is getting it; now the question is, how much can she be helped?

[dhoward]

HD, good questions.
Drug abuse has not been the case so much. Maybe early on (5 or 6 years ago), but she takes minimal pain medication now. I also see all of her scripts, so I know what she's getting. She was taking a couple of anti-depressants, but stopped because she couldn't get refills because she wouldn't go see the doc. I think this was the ultimate trigger. Bad, abusive childhood +1000. You would not believe the dysfunction in her family.
But I can't just bail on her.
She'll be getting out on a couple of days. I gess we'll see what that brings.
Thanks, everyone for the thoughts....

[M.D. Holloway]

Dan,
I'm sorry for your pain. I cannot offer up any advice or insight but I will say a prayer for you and your wife. Its about the only thing I can offer up. Sorry dude...

[crustychief]

Wow, sorry to hear that. My ex tried that twice, she was also BPD.
http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm
I found websites like this very helpful. ( no affiliation BTW) I hope SHE can recover from this with your support.
Sandy

[livi]

Dan, I am really sorry. Your situation is devastating, very destructive. I have some, not much, experience with borderline teenage girls over the years. I will not even try to sum up any advice on the Internet. Its a very complex issue. There is no cure but you absolutely need professional help. Not least for your own sake, in order to somewhat understand what you are dealing with.

[DanielDudley]

Sometimes getting a good therapist for yourself is the best start. It can help you to remain objective and stay clear in what can be very trying circumstances.

Being supportive without being enabling is very hard, and counterintuitive for many. Getting straight, eating right and exercise can be a Godsend for your spouse. It may be that some form of medication is required, but it will never do it's job if other drugs or alchohol are present.

Remember to take care of yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself, you will be unable to look after others. I really would like to see your wife do well, but it is at least as important that you come out of this intact, as we cannot foresee the outcome. We are here for you, so hang in there.

[artplumber]

Originally Posted by DanielDudley

Sometimes getting a good therapist for yourself is the best start. It can help you to remain objective and stay clear in what can be very trying circumstances.

Being supportive without being enabling is very hard, and counterintuitive for many. Getting straight, eating right and exercise can be a Godsend for your spouse. It may be that some form of medication is required, but it will never do it's job if other drugs or alchohol are present.

Remember to take care of yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself, you will be unable to look after others. I really would like to see your wife do well, but it is at least as important that you come out of this intact, as we cannot foresee the outcome. We are here for you, so hang in there.

+1

Borderlines (if that is what she really is/has) are really difficult to deal with. You will have to recall for yourself if she has exhibited the typical behavior in the past. If not I would suggest an additional opinion. Not all suicide attempts are BPD. You can find out plenty just by reading online searching DSM IV and borderline personality. You'll know if she really is that way once you start reading.

Good luck. I would certainly need a lot of support to stay in a marriage/LTR with a true borderline.

[tabs]

I would agree that she needs some kind of pills to help short run (that is probably allready happening). I would also agree that dhoward get some short term support (help) with a thearpist...to help himslef get and stay clear about the issues. From those discussions he can chart a course of action for himself.

I learned a long time ago that you can throw a drowning man a life preserver but he has to be willing to grab it. His wifes willingness is key, and nobody is beyond help until they stop breathing.

Shrinks are for the most part Objective observers that can point the way..and see things you can not.

[dhoward]

Thanks for all of the support.
Art, the psychiatrist at the hospital made the diagnosis and as I run down what's happened over the years, it appears quite textbook. As for drugs, she uses a fentynal patch for pain, and had been taking 60mg Cymbalta and 40mg Celexa before she stopped. The new doc put her on 40mg cymbalta today.
Over the years and at one time she was on 8 different meds for pain and depression. 360mg Oxycontin / day at one time.
The pain issue stems from a failed L5-S1 fusion in 2000.
The BPD has been there all along, It's just come to the forefront now.

[nynor]

borderline, for short, is all about manipulation. generally, the person wants to get a reaction, usually anger, but not always. the payoff for them is the emotional gratification of causing a reaction. think soap opera here, the worst kind, where all the interactions are designed to create stress.

borderline is mainly a behavior and co-dependence issue. i do not envy your position.