Tejas Chili Cook-Off

[M.D. Holloway]

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park


Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .


Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting weird-faced
from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA' S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I had an accident in my pants when I
farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

###

[cvfncrew]

LMAO.... That was great.

[porsche4life]

Great stuff but chain mail none the less.

[svandamme]

no it ain't, it's a joke that got sent around a lot, that don't make it a chain mail... a chain mail is something that comes with built in instructions to send it out to as much people as possible, on the basis of some kind bogus motive like "save the world" "save little Timmy" "warning your dick might fall off if you don't" "you can win something" "whatver"

[Tobra]

funny, pretty old, but funny still

[dhoward]

Chain mail is what they make gloves out of so's the shark don't bite ya'...

[legion]

The version I have has a slightly different text:

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I had an accident in my pants when I
farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally--she must be kinkier than
I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.