Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud
 

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/jimmie_johnsons_car_put_out_to

CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be put out to stud, ending its career in stock-car racing and living out the rest of its service life siring the cars of tomorrow.

"I'll be sad to see the old warhorse go," Jimmie Johnson said at the car's retirement ceremony, held in the maintenance and breeding garage on Hendrick's 60-acre racing complex. "We've been through a lot together, but I guess it was just time. I have to say, I'm a little envious."...

...NASCAR rules specifically prohibit artificial fertilization of race cars, which happily spares number 48 the indignity of spending too much time up on jack stands methodically and impersonally having his fluids drained. The Chevrolet will also be forbidden from mating its power train with any non–General Motors product, as the historically conservative NASCAR organization has no wish to acknowledge the possibility of hybrids running in its racing series.