Seven Ages of Man and Woman.

[livi]

The seven ages of man and woman (or "Sex and
the CT")

D Isaacs, S Isaacs and D Fitzgerald

Arch. Dis. Child. 2008;93;1075-1076
doi:10.1136/adc.2008.152009







Life is a fatal sexually transmitted disease. But
despair not. Modern medicine can ease your life
journey from womb to tomb or (if you are Dutch)
from youth to euthanasia.

THE FIRST AGE: CONCEPTION

Making babies does not come naturally for most of
us. Luckily, modern medical imaging has uncovered
the mysteries of sex. MRI scans of copulating
couples show the man’s penis shaped like a
boomerang during coitus (fig 1).1 No wonder men
don’t know if they are coming or going. To avoid
any misconceptions, modern radiologists have
developed a new X-rated, x ray plan, ‘‘Sex and
the CT’’, to give you a new angle on conception.

If you are unable to conceive naturally despite
the assistance of modern radiology, modern fetal
medicine can do it for you in the privacy of your
own womb. In vitro fertilisation, the only way to
populate a nation. Lie down, close your eyes and
medicine will fertilise. Johnson & Johnson will
succeed where Masters and Johnson has failed.2

THE SECOND AGE: THE WOMB

The modern ultrasonographer is also a photographer.
Can you conceive of anything finer than a
silver-framed ultrasound print of your baby,
basking in a warm pool of amniotic fluid? Won’t
your friends and relatives envy the ‘‘womb with a
view’’ hanging above your mantelpiece? Or you
could use Little Foetus’ image on your Christmas
cards to illustrate the fruits of your labours, past
and future.

THE THIRD AGE: BIRTH

The normal delivery is obsolete. Labour no more.
To preserve Mum’s figure, reduce pain and prevent
those pesky prolapse problems, the modern obstetrician’s
preferred mode of delivery is the vaginal

bypass operation (VBO), once quaintly called a
Caesarean section.

THE FOURTH AGE: CHILDHOOD

All children ask ‘‘Are we nearly there yet?’’ for the
duration of any long journey, and squabble endlessly
with their siblings. This is called attention
deficit hyperactivity disorder or ADHD. Modern
paediatricians have developed a novel preventative
approach to ADHD to make sure you get your
retaliation in first. Babies are weaned directly onto
a new preservative-free, Ritalin-reinforced formula,
‘‘Peace At Last’’. Medicine will make sure childhood
is an enjoyable time – for parents.

THE FIFTH AGE: ADOLESCENCE

An adolescent is a person who lives most of their
life in the horizontal. For the male adolescent, it is
a Neanderthal period of communication by grunts.
Females spend adolescence on the mobile phone (or
cell phone if they are American). The Computer
Age, however, has heralded an adolescent evolution
to intermittent upright posture, to play
computer games. The adolescent waits until the
parents go out, and then it’s Six on the Settee
(fig 2). It is futile trying to educate adolescents
about sex; they already know everything. The
modern adolescent counselling service, ‘‘Fight or
Flight’’, will help you cope until your adolescent
leaves home or qualifies for the old age pension,
whichever comes first.

THE SIXTH AGE: ADULTHOOD

Adulthood is a chronic mid-life crisis, bridging
adolescence and old age. Modern family physicians
have developed an innovative health maintenance
programme based on a daily 2000 calorie, low-fat,
alcohol-free diet, taken with a chaser of statins,


Figure 1 MRI scan and drawing of the anatomy of sexual intercourse showing boomerang-shaped penis (reproduced
from ref 1 with permission). B, bladder; L5, lumbar 5; P, penis; Pe, perineum; S, symphysis; Sc, scrotum; U, uterus;
Ur, urethra.



Review
beta blockers and anti-depressants. This may not help you live
longer, but it will certainly feel like it.

THE SEVENTH AGE: OLD AGE

The motto of the modern geriatrician is ‘‘Olden is Golden’’.
Modern geriatric orthopaedic surgeons (motto: ‘‘Out of the
Stone Age and into the Bone Age’’) have more experience with
joints than a hippy from the 60s. The modern geriatrician has
just one get-out clause, the ‘‘Three strokes and you’re out’’ rule.
Today’s geriatrician will ensure you die happy or perish in the
process.

Life is a predicament, but modern medicine has all the solutions.

[Jim Richards]

LOL Markus!

[Superman]

I once heard that the sexual life of a man has two stages. In the first stage, the man prematurely ejaculates. The second and final stage is characterized by erectile dysfunction.

[phoenix_iii]

Grade: D, D-