A parenting question...18 year old kids and rules

[Dueller]

I promise not to let this degenerate into one of my whines about step kids. Just humor me.

Let's have a hypothetical...18 yo young adult children. Living in your home in anticipation of going off to college next fall. You provide room, board, etc. You will be helping pay for their college education so long as they are performing reasonably well. They are high school seniors, reasonably responsible, have part time jobs that they save and use for their discretionary spending, pay for their gas, insurance, etc.

At 18 and living in your home I think you certainly have a say as to reasonable hours to be in, quiet enjoyment of the house by all living there, etc.

But what about their comings and goings?

Should they be allowed to have spend the night company of the opposite sex in your/their home?

Should they be allowed to spend the night with their bf/gf's away from your home at the bf/gf's house?

Should they be allowed to go away for weeekends with bf/gf's so long as they tell you where they are going to be?

If they are making such "adult" decisions unilaterally and not actually asking for your permission but rather merely informing you of their whereabouts/actions so you will know what is going on, is it time for them to assume adult responsibilities such as gettting there own apartments/pay rent/pay for their own food, etc?

Would your answer change depending on the gender of the child?

Should they be allowed to come and go as they please so long as they keep you informed?

[genrex]

I had that issue with my step-daughter as soon as she graduated from high school. We had mutually-agreed house rules but they were not obeyed (no overnight guests of the opposite sex, home by midnight, if not home by midnight, then she was to call to let us know where she was, which she always "forgot" to do but it hardly mattered because she wasn't doing what she said she was doing). There was no punishment for breaking the house rules because her mother wouldn't allow any punishment of any kind. Lots of acrimony in the house.

We got her a nice one-bedroom apartment at a secure apartment building, and we furnished it with her stuff and some of our stuff. We paid her rent and utilities. She paid for everything else with her part-time job, and she did her laundry at her apt building. It kept the peace in the family until she went away to college, and it was a huge relief though it was a financial burden. I saw the inside of her apt only one time during that year, and it was filthy, but nothing was damaged. She was socially and sexually active, but was smart and didn't get pregnant. Then when she went to college, she lived in a dorm on campus and then an academic sorority house. Graduated with honors and has a nice job in Chicago. It worked out for us.. *sigh of relief*

edit: Your step-daughter is still in high school. But she is 18. I don't know what I would do. Somehow the stress has to be relieved..

[the]

yes.
no.
no.
no.
yes.
no.
no.

At a minimum, it's a matter of respect for those paying the bills. Not paying your full room + board (+ everything else) = not a "full adult" with "full adult" privileges.

[Dueller]

genrex...you and I live in parallel universes save that I have twin stepdtrs. Their 18th birthdays are coming up and I anticipate this battle.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by Dueller

I promise not to let this degenerate into one of my whines about step kids. Just humor me.

Let's have a hypothetical...18 yo young adult children. Living in your home in anticipation of going off to college next fall. You provide room, board, etc. You will be helping pay for their college education so long as they are performing reasonably well. They are high school seniors, reasonably responsible, have part time jobs that they save and use for their discretionary spending, pay for their gas, insurance, etc.

At 18 and living in your home I think you certainly have a say as to reasonable hours to be in, quiet enjoyment of the house by all living there, etc.

Not really as long as they are not disturbing anyone else regularly. Being annoyed about it does not count.

But what about their comings and goings?

No

Should they be allowed to have spend the night company of the opposite sex in your/their home?

Your house, your morals, your rules on that one regardless of age.

Should they be allowed to spend the night with their bf/gf's away from your home at the bf/gf's house?

Yes, again you don't have to like it but at 18 they are adults.

Should they be allowed to go away for weeekends with bf/gf's so long as they tell you where they are going to be?

Yes, but telling you is the courteous thing to do, not mandatory.

If they are making such "adult" decisions unilaterally and not actually asking for your permission but rather merely informing you of their whereabouts/actions so you will know what is going on, is it time for them to assume adult responsibilities such as gettting there own apartments/pay rent/pay for their own food, etc?

They should be paying rent if they are working, car insurance as well.

Would your answer change depending on the gender of the child?

No

Should they be allowed to come and go as they please so long as they keep you informed?

Yes, but informing you of comings and goings is again a courtesy.

So here's a question for you.

What if we were discussing a 28 year old child that moved home temporarily due to a divorce or other situation.

Same set of rules?

Just remind them that at 18 they are adults and if they demand to act independently then you can make it easier on them and help them pack.

I think you want to focus less on the "control" issue and more on creating an atmosphere of mutual respect.

[the]

The beauty of being 18 is your life is wide open, full of choices. You have the ability to be 100% free from any parental rules, if you want. Move out, pay all your bills, no one can tell you what to do.

But if you are going to count on your parents for support, IMO you are not entitled to 100% freedom. You can't expect to be a full adult for the purposes you want, but still a child for purposes when it suits you. The world just doesn't work that way.

That is *especially* true when you are living under the parental roof, IMO. An 18 year old still living at home is a guest, and all guest should respect the house rules.

[Hugh R]

I have a 23 y/o daughter with whom I had very frank talks at the age of 14/15/16/17 of what boys want and that they will lie/tell you anything to get "it". I told her "you control the boy, don't let him control you" Caught her a few times going where she shouldn't and took away her car at 16/17, now at 23 she tells me she appreciates my reigning her in. Now working on Partner track and a CPA at the accounting firm of KPMG, bought her own 08 BMW 325 a few months ago. The salesman ran a second credit check because he couldn't believe a 23 y/o could have a credit score of 760!

Sleeping over at g/f house, yes with parents there.

Going away with "friends" skiing, only when she went to college.

Son, same thing, just now 20 stays with guy friends overnight, OK at a house with parents, when he was 18 or younger. Now that he's 20, no I don't care.

BF/GF staying over night, NO!

[pwd72s]

My roof...my rules. If they don't like that at age 18, they can move out...

[crustychief]

Originally Posted by the

yes.
no.
no.
no.
yes.
no.
no.

At a minimum, it's a matter of respect for those paying the bills. Not paying your full room + board (+ everything else) = not a "full adult" with "full adult" privileges.

My 18 YO boy is treated no different than my 23YO girl was when she was 18. I think a 28 YO that moves in temp is a completely different situation because they have lived outside the home and (should) know to show a higher level of maturity for the household.

[Dantilla]

Originally Posted by the

The beauty of being 18 is your life is wide open, full of choices. You have the ability to be 100% free from any parental rules, if you want. Move out, pay all your bills, no one can tell you what to do.

But if you are going to count on your parents for support, IMO you are not entitled to 100% freedom. You can't expect to be a full adult for the purposes you want, but still a child for purposes when it suits you. The world just doesn't work that way.

That is *especially* true when you are living under the parental roof, IMO. An 18 year old still living at home is a guest, and all guest should respect the house rules.

+1.

Turning 18 in my parents house made no changes. Not for me, not for my sisters. After 18 years, I knew the rules of the house. Those rules didn't disappear because I had a birthday.

Our job as parents is not to prepare a path for our children. Our job is to prepare our children for the path they will face when we're not around.

A big part of preparing our children is for them to know that actions have concequences.

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by Dantilla

+1.

Turning 18 in my parents house made no changes. Not for me, not for my sisters. After 18 years, I knew the rules of the house. Those rules didn't disappear because I had a birthday.

Our job as parents is not to prepare a path for our children. Our job is to prepare our children for the path they will face when we're not around.

A big part of preparing our children is for them to know that actions have concequences.

Well said!

[KaptKaos]

Rules are a double-edged sword and will cut both ways. Expect them to throw them back at you and be prepared to defend them.

Your house, your rules. Make them as you see fit. Expect them to act like adults and treat them as such, and they will. Treating them as such includes some tough love sometimes.

[Evans, Marv]

Good advice here, & I agree with most of it.
I moved out right after my 18th BD at the prompting of my parents when I had gotten a job working full time. I also had a part time job since I was in my jr. year of H.S. (working 4 nights/week) making enought to pay for my car, insurance, dating, and insurance. Also paid rent to my parents at their insistance. After H.S. & moving out, I got that full time job and could pay all of my expenses - though with not a whole lot left over. I realized two major things within a couple of weeks on my own. First, I enjoyed being responsible for myself, paying my bills, managing my expenses & income, and realized I had to also manage my social schedule to be able to meet my work obligations. Second I realized I never wanted to go back home to live under somebody's roof under somebody's rules. Along with that, I developed an appreciation for some of the rules I lived under before leaving my parent's home.
Maybe you could provide them with an independent experience & agree to subsidize a portion of their rental of an apartment - say 75% - with the agreement that they would be responsible for everything else. You might even suggest that they take a year off from school to work full time to support themselves and experience the free life. After that they could decide about school and cooperating with you in regards to your rules in exchange for your help & support. If you do that, you might have the discussion - with the company of your wife, that Hugh talked about ad they are on their way out. It's always a dilema.

[911Rob]

Originally Posted by genrex

I had that issue with my ....snip..... It worked out for us.. *sigh of relief

Smart guy genrex!

Originally Posted by Dueller

.....Their 18th birthdays are coming up and I anticipate this battle.

You "anticipate"?
I think you should give more attention to what you want instead of what you don't want. These kids are pretty much grown up and they're gonna do pretty much what they want. Best thing for you to do is chill out a bit and enjoy them for the wonderful kids that they are. Focus your attention on their mother.

From what I've read the girls have steady boyfriends, so they're not out with some guy that's just in it for the 'kill' and then going to move on to the next girl; which is good for you Dad. I've taught my girls the 3 to 5 NO technique and I'm pretty sure they use it on the boys. Say NO 3 to 5 times for everything the boy wants; holding hands, first kiss, etc.; if the boys still around after 3 to 5 NOs then it's likely that he actually likes/cares for you and he's not just a hunter.

After that it's all about building relationships and that's a life long journey. Our kids can learn a lot from relationships and they can gain alot of happiness from them too. I encourage relationships, ones that are built like friendships.

As for sex, well I'm not a hypocrite, but I do think I've learned a thing or two about the subject and how it applies to relationships. Sex before marriage.... well it's a fathers dream that it won't happen and there's one thing for sure, It ain't gonna happen in front of me anytime soon. I could accept it after a good strong relationship was built that was leading to marriage; I think?

I teach my kids that relationships are like foundations (Im a builder) and if you build a good foundation you can have a strong lasting building. Some foundations are built weak and the building isnt as strong. Sex on the first night is definately a relationship built on a weak foundation, it doesn't mean it won't work or can't be repaired, but its definately weak. Sex introduced into a relationship with respect, care and love builds strong relationships.

My greatest compliment is when my kids bring their friends to me and ask me to talk to them about relationships; then I know I've got their respect. I expect greatness from my children; I often explain what it means to be a McKibbon and they have not disappointed me, ever.

For you Due, I think the best thing to do is back down from the kids and focus on the mother. Share your lifes experience with them when you have the opportunity, but most importantly show them how a relationship is suppose to be by example first. Your wife is your Queen; you chose her.

One last thought before signing off; a little off topic but a continued thought. When I see a man that treats his wife with disrespect, I lose respect for that man. Think about it; here's the most important relationship that a man can have AND its one that he chose for himself to boot. I've never seen a bad relationship where the man treats his wife with love and respect.

In summary, my general answer to your inquiry is NO!

[Seahawk]

The posts below pretty much capture the spirit of my feelings on the matter. I left home after HS for all the right reasons, moved across the country and got busy with my life. However, when I came home stayed at my parents house I (and sometime the g/f) played by my parents rules. That's just the way it was...as the Great Santini said, "You can either hack it or pack it!"

Originally Posted by the

The beauty of being 18 is your life is wide open, full of choices. You have the ability to be 100% free from any parental rules, if you want. Move out, pay all your bills, no one can tell you what to do.

But if you are going to count on your parents for support, IMO you are not entitled to 100% freedom. You can't expect to be a full adult for the purposes you want, but still a child for purposes when it suits you. The world just doesn't work that way.

That is *especially* true when you are living under the parental roof, IMO. An 18 year old still living at home is a guest, and all guest should respect the house rules.

Originally Posted by Dantilla

+1.

Turning 18 in my parents house made no changes. Not for me, not for my sisters. After 18 years, I knew the rules of the house. Those rules didn't disappear because I had a birthday.

Our job as parents is not to prepare a path for our children. Our job is to prepare our children for the path they will face when we're not around.

A big part of preparing our children is for them to know that actions have concequences.

[jcommin]

I remember when my oldest turned 18; he asked me what he could do/not do.

This is what I told him.

He could vote
He could buy cigarettes/cigars
He could get married
He is an adult and is responsible for himself - I can no longer help him


He could also leave - I could now call DCFS on him and have him removed from my house.

His comment was: 'Dad be serious' and I told him I was.


Do not compromise on what you believe in.

[JeremyD]

Originally Posted by Dantilla

+1.

Turning 18 in my parents house made no changes. Not for me, not for my sisters. After 18 years, I knew the rules of the house. Those rules didn't disappear because I had a birthday.

Our job as parents is not to prepare a path for our children. Our job is to prepare our children for the path they will face when we're not around.

A big part of preparing our children is for them to know that actions have concequences.

Amen - some parents with rules -

[Rot 911]

Dueller, having read your previous posts, it really doesn't matter what your rules are. They won't be followed. I think 911Rob has given you some good advice. Concentrate on your marriage and let your wife handle her daughters. I know it is a bitter pill to swallow, but why start a battle you are sure to lose?

[VincentVega]

Stock up on some good booze, and it sounds like ear plugs. Until they move out it sounds like it's going to be rough.

Good luck

[imcarthur]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

I think you want to focus less on the "control" issue and more on creating an atmosphere of mutual respect.

Fully agree. As they rush toward adulthood, it is more important that they live with your rules rather than under them.

Ian