Oil Change Instructions
 

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $30.00

Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========



Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your
debit card for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain..

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench..

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75..00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20..00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

True story.

I've been mowing the lawn for the 80 year-old widow next door. In exchange, she has allowed me the use of her late husband's riding mower.

I'm pretty sure he bought the thing five years ago and has only added gas since purchase...

So...I decide to give it an overhaul. I also decide it needs to mulch instead of just cut grass. I set off for Farm & Fleet. I spend $40 for a new air filter, fuel filter, oil filter, spark plug and oil. Then I swing by Sears for the proper mulching kit ($50).

I get home and I jack up the front end and put it on ramps. I start looking for a drain plug. I don't find a drain plug. (Now my mower and snowblower don't have drain plugs so I have to suck the oil out.) Then I notice there is a drain on the side of the engine with a fitting for a hose so that I can drain the oil without jacking it up. I lower it down off the ramp and drain the oil.

I change the oil filter, the air filter and the fuel filter...and I notice the rubber fuel line has some deep cracks in it. I head off to Advance Auto Parts (closest to my house) to buy some generic 3/8" fuel line. I get there and...I forgot my wallet. Fortunately the fuel line is only $1.89--$2.07 after tax. I run to my truck and scrounge for change.

I get home and replace the damaged fuel line. Then I start on the mulching kit. I jack the mower up again (after retrieving the ramps and jack that I put away). I pull the first blade and see that it is identical to the blade I removed. Oh well, the new blades are sharp so I decide to change them anyway. I change the first blade. Then as I am changing the second blade, I realize see that it has a marking on it: "This side down." Did I put the first blade on upside down? After changing the second blade, I check the first one and yes, I did put it on upside down. I correct my mistake and lower the mower off the ramps. Then I proceed to install the new plastic bit the replaces the vent that throws grass out the side so that the grass will continue to circulate around the blades and become mulched.

3½ hours after starting, I'm finally ready to start her up (after spreading the prerequisite kitty litter over the garage floor). Progress! She has gone from backfiring and belching black smoke every ten seconds to having the revs drop and belching a little gray smoke every ten seconds!

Only 2 blades?! Thats a little mower.

Did you put oil back in?

Yes, I did do that.