Tell me about your wives/SO's female friends

[Dueller]

No, not a thread about their hotty friends...and it isn't about threesomes. Tell me what is normal friendships for females.

The reason i ask is I am growing tired of one of my wife's friends to the extent it is interferring with my life and our relationship. I like this person...in fact I consider her my friend as well. When wife and I separated last year, this person was concerned for both of us and made an effort to both of us to salvage our relationship.

The problem is that she comes over almost every friday night and stays until sunday. For the most part she is kind and considerate...we often hardly know she is here as she stays upstairs in a guest room.

It started back in Auigust of last year when wife and I decided to get away for a week to patch up our relationship. The friend house sat for us and took care of the pets while we were gone. She loved staying at our house as it was a break from her own misery. Her situation is that she is married but estranged from her husband over the last 8 years. Of necessity her husband still lives at their house. She had 3 grown children living at her homeun til recently in their 3 bedroom home when one dtr moved to Atlanta.

Since she had given up the spare bedrooms to children and her husband was staying in another, she has essentially been sleeping in her den for several years. When the eldest daughter moved out wife convinced her that she should have her own space in her home. They made plans to fix up the vacated bedroom for her. But somewhere along the way one of the dtrs decided to take over the vacated bedroom. Wife's friend apparently was OK with that having the apparent attitude she had our guestroom as a getaway space on weekends.

Wife agrees it has gotten a bit much having this standing house guest but she really doesn't deal with it. She enjoys friends company, but I have a problem in that the woman comes into our bedroom, sits in the bed with wife and watches TV or has a glass of wine each Friday/Saturday evening until 1-2 a.m.

After 5 months of this crap I finally handled it in my own way and wife is PO's at me. Of course I'm being accused of trying to control wife or dictate who her friends are...totally intrue. I just feel like wife should have set the parameters and it shouldn't be my responsibility.

I'm all for my wife having her own friends...but c'mon...middle aged married couples do not normally have slumber parties every weekend.

[bivenator]

Very intrusive. Every weekend, hell no. Especially in light of your recent rough patch with your wife. One of the ladies should have a clue that this is not productive.

[Dueller]

In their defense, I take part of the blame because I try to be a gracious/generous host. I.e., when I cook breakfast for my wife or lunch on saturday/sunday I always include her, I have coffee made in the mornings ready when she ges up, etc. It hasn't been every weekend...not on T'giving or Xmas weekends, but certainly 3 out of 4 weekends per month.

[mossguy]

Jim, Regardless of friend's present situation, she is showing a total lack of boundaries, and probably has no idea how intrusive she is being. My wife and I have been in a similar situation. We decided how much we were ok with and where to draw the line. When we explained ourselves to our friend and set rules and parameters, it worked out well.
This sounds like Stepdaughters: The Sequel. You and your lovely wife need to get together and agree on parameters, then explain to your friend. Good Luck to you both.

Best,
Tom

[javadog]

Suggest a threesome. That should solve your problem, one way or another...

Good luck,
JR

[Dueller]

Thanks, Tom. I thought we had. But wife does not like to be confrontational. This past saturday night I was frustrated with the situation. I goy angry but held it in until I could take it no longer. I should have just politely told her I was ready to go to bed and I'm sure she would have honored that request. But I was sure wife would have been po'd at me for breaking up their little party. So instead i left and drove around to calm down. Came back 45 minutes later, walked in the bedroom and there they were.

In my stupid state, I decided "OK...she feels at home here in my bedroom, I'll just do what I normally would do if she wasn't here." With that I stripped down butt naked put on some pj bottoms, turned to her and said, I'm ready to go to bed with my wife."

Wife had a schit fit accusing me of being an a-hole. So be it.

[masraum]

Wow, that's very weird. I guess the estranged from the husband thing is the reason, but still...

It is weird how you say your wife has reacted, but then I don't know how you dealt with it.

I guess you should have run your plans past your wife first. "I can't deal with this any more. I'm going to xxxx. If you don't like that, what would you prefer I/we do?"

My wife has a couple of friends that she hardly ever sees that will come and stay for a weekend once a year or so.

My wife would not want her friends to be over like that either. She might allow them to move in for a short period for some reason, but there would be limits.

You could have gotten caught in the buff one night in your room, she may have stopped hanging out after that.

I dunno, I don't think my wife would go for that.

[legion]

Can you throw a TV in "her" bedroom?

I mean, at the least, maybe the party can be moved elsewhere...

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by javadog

Suggest a threesome. That should solve your problem, one way or another...

Good luck,
JR

NOT even in the cards. Wife nor I are interested in that.

[Super_Dave_D]

Shes not hot is she?

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by Super_Dave_D

Shes not hot is she?

nope...sweet but not hot at all.

[Super_Dave_D]

Originally Posted by Dueller

nope...sweet but not hot at all.

If she was smoking hot - there is no way we would be talking about this. First, your wife wouldnt let it happen. Second, you wouldnt mind if it did.

[porsche4life]

Originally Posted by Dueller

....not hot at all.

Therein lies the problem...

[javadog]

Originally Posted by Dueller

NOT even in the cards. Wife nor I are interested in that.

That, sir, was my point. Tossing it out there ought to make at least one of the women uncomfortable with your arrangment, which should result in the third wheel moving on.

Or, you could simply explain to your wife that you wish to have her all to yourself and you don't feel the need to share your limited time with her, with this other person. Once in a while is okay but every week is not. We had a house guest like this for a while, until my wife decided she wanted more of my time, in which case she booted out the house guest, never to return.

JR

[Dueller]

Do me a favor guys...this is not about threesomes in any way shape or form. I'd appreciate advice germane to the real issue.

[javadog]

Talk to your wife and tell her this arrangement bothers you, because you don't get to spend as much time with her as you would like.

JR

[bivenator]

Careful with that line of thinking JR, dueller could find himself having to back that statement up.

[cstreit]

I think the comments about "boundaries" is spot on. This woman is obviously in need of socializing that she's not getting anywhere else.

Honestly the real issue here is your wife. Your wife clearly knows you're not happy with the situation. You've made that clear. Perhaps it's her maternal instinct in wanting to help her friend and/or her lack of social life, your wife is permitting this. Before anything can be done, the two of you need to be on the same page before you approach the friend. Unfortunately the friend will be embarrassed and hurt when you tell her, because she clearly doesn't realize or care that she's gone beyond the norm, but it has to happen.

So discuss it with your wife, present a united (but gentle) front to the friend. Perhaps ween her off. (SOrry, we're having another guest this weekend, etc..)

[mossguy]

Jim, Be sure that you and your wife agrre on the parameters, as mentioned before. Then Agree on how you will present this to your friend. (This is important). You described your "intervention" in post #6, which succeeded only in alienating your wife. You don't need that to happen again. Often, people like your friend, respond well to an Adult-Adult specific request e.g, "it's time for Mrs. Dueller and I to go to bed now, and time for you to go to your room". Hints do not work. It sounds like you will need to be very concrete in communicating with this woman. Review parent-adult-child transactions.

Best,
Tom

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by cstreit

Honestly the real issue here is your wife.

Ding ding ding!!! We have a winner.

There is unresolved crap from your breakup thingie. Women have long memories and take it out on people in strange ways. She is using her friend as a stick to poke you.

You've still got stuff to work out...