ATC Chatter
 

ATC chatter....
STL approach: "United 445, best forward speed to the marker, you're number one."

United 445 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."

STL approach: "American 367, you're number two behind United 445, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

American 367 (female): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."

-Radio silence-

Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

I could tell so many............

One favorite was when I was a wingman at El Toro. Flight lead was talking to SoCal approach and the female controller was just a littly cranky. After a few interactions my lead asked, "Ma'am, was I ever married to you?" We received a laugh from her and priority handling into Miramar after that.

one night...
pilot checks in with tower with "guess who".
Tower turns off runway lights and sez "guess where".

There was a thread of these quite some time back, good stuff. My favorite was a cranky Berlin controller giving a Brit pilot attitude for asking a question about taxi directions.

German Tower: "Sir, have you ever been to Berlin before?"
Brit Pilot: "Yes, but it was 1945 and dark"

While flying out of Juneau, AK, which has water landing next to the runway, I heard the controller ask someone to watch for floatplane traffic on final or as he put it: "Look for the Beaver over the dike".

Sitting at the departure end waiting for an arrival so we could go, the arriving flight checks in with the tower..

Arriving flight; "Hello tower 236 with you, 5 mile final..."

Tower; "236, Cleared to land RWY 22, caution for birds on half mile final."

Arriving Flight; "Cleared to land 22, and what's the altitude on the birds?"

Tower; "Don't know the altitude 236, We're not talking to them."

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

Have had this one happen to me. Nice to see some ATC with a sense of humor!