The Greatest Oscar Acceptance Speeches of All Time

[cmccuist]

MARK ANTONY
Best Actor, 44BC

Friends, Romans, countrymen, Bob and Harvey at Miramax, Herb, Stock, Regis, Mira, Max and everyone at CAA; Cimber, Legarius, Trebonius and everyone at SPQR; my fellow artists Cassius, Cinna, you're all honourable guys, this is for you, you should be up here! Et tu, Brute! and your body double, Lucillius; my business partners Octavius and Lepidus - thanks for being there for me, guys; Portia, Calpurnica, Fluvia, Octavia, Cleopatra - where are you, Cleo? There she is - the woman I'm proud to call my partner, whose joy and life-affirming compassion and commitment and compassionate affirmation enrich my life with every moment we're not separated by filming commitments; my gay high-school drama teacher Cicero, one of the most beautiful gay men whose compassion and vision and sexuality have lifted me on the majestic glow of his gayness; all you plebeians out there - hey, thanks for coming to see the picture; our costume designer Flavius, for his vision and compassion and those goatskin thongs - love it! all the crowd at Sardis; our editor Casca - I love you, man, despite that most unkindest cut of all; Cleo's sisters Arsinoe and Cleopatra VI; her brother and husband Ptolemy XIII; her younger brother and second husband Ptolemy XIV; Ptolemy's dad, Ptolemy XII; Ptolemy XII's wife and sister Cleopatra V; their daughter Berenice; Berenice's husband, Archelaus; Ptolemy XIII's eunuch Pothinus - I've worked with a lot of eunuchs, but you're the greatest, man! my children Cleopatra Selene, Alexander Helios, Ptolemy Philadelphus and Scout Rumer - don't wait up for me, kids! Cleo's maids Charmion and Iras; Kermit the asp...

[Band plays "Arrivederci, Roma". Cut to commercials]

ST FRANCIS OF ASSISI
Presenter, Best Adapted Screenplay, 1220

Before I get to the nominations, I want to say a few words about something important to every man, woman and child on this planet. Birds. They sow not, neither do they reap, and yet God feedeth them. Ever thought of it like that? God loveth them much, seeing that he hath bestowed on them so many benefits. And yet even as we speak, birds are being subjected to horrendous human rights abuses in England, where beaters are specifically targeting them. Makes you think, doesn't it? There are one billion people watching tonight and I wonder, if we all just sat cross-legged on the floor for a minute and chanted, something miraculous and really kind of groovy could happen and we could all send lovely telepathic thoughts to Henry III, who's probably watching right now, that he might respect the liberty of every bird to fly about everywhere in his own raiment. Spread your tiny wings and fly away, little bird. Stop the killing, King Henry, and the cock-fighting.

[Band plays theme from The Birds]

MARGARET THATCHER

Presenter, Best Supported Actor, 1990

And the nominees are . . . Michael Heseltine for Tarzan Returns and Margaret Thatcher for The Lady Vanishes. And the Oscar goes to . . . John Major in Forrest Gump? Oh, my God, I don't believe it. You don't like me! You really don't like me!

[Band plays theme from Shaft]

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN

Accepting on behalf of the Best Foreign Short winner, 1938

I have here a piece of paper from Herr Hitler, who's unable to be with us tonight due to a shooting commitment in Czechoslovakia. It says:

Meine Damen und Herren, I thank all the Hollywood Jew propagandists for giving me this award, which I accept on behalf of the Sudeten Germans, who are groaning under the shackles of Versailles. I want also to thank all of you who are wearing the red Sudeten Awareness ribbons, but 100 fools do not make one wise man and it will be through the power of my will alone that the German nation will be united and rise as one to shake the world! Thank you and goodnight.

You know what this means, don't you? Peace for our time. Go home and get a nice quiet sleep.

[Band plays "All You Need Is Love"]

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Best Director, 1863

Four score and seven years ago, my movie went into development at Paramount. I'd like to thank the brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, but there's way too many to mention. And, let's face it, the world will little note nor long remember them. But I gotta tell you, is this a great night or what? Who says you can't fool all the people all of the time? I'm the king of the world!!

But, to be serious for a minute, I'd like us all - all one billion of us - to bow our heads in prayer and pause for a few moments to remember these honoured dead from whom we take increased devotion to that cause.

[Silence]

Okay, that's enough, people! What a night! I'm the greatest!! Now let's paaaaaaarty!!!

[Band plays "Another Op'nin', Another Show]"

OLIVER CROMWELL

Host of the record-breaking six-and-a-half-hour 1653 Academy Awards

Ladies and gentlemen, you have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go! Thank you! God bless! I love you!

[Band plays "Hooray For Hollywood!" Roll credits]