This Marine writes a funny story (email joke)

[pwd72s]

This Marine writes a hysterical story!

The MRE Dinner Date

This is absolutely HILARIOUS..for those of us who have eaten these things, we can definitely understand how she felt-----

The following is a true story... Told from the point of view of a young Marine.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauté in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about
35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans
(hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right? For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous **** , and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.. Voilaanger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener,
1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know... I'm an *******, but it was still a funny night.

[crustychief]

Awesome!!
My buddy got back from a 1 year tour in Iraq recently, I invited him over for a home cooked meal. I cooked a grilled chicken MRE .. menu #5. then brought out the "real" food! The look on his face was priceless, my wife and kids were in on it.

[m21sniper]

I hated- HATED the dehydrated pork (puke) patties.

The Chicken Al La King and Ham slices in snot sauce were pretty damn good though! I would always trade for the Ham slices if at all possible.

[Joeaksa]

Paul,

Thats excellent! Still chuckling.

Hey, I still remember the old "C-Rats" from Vietnam that were not any better.

The turkey and chicken were not too bad but then we were hungry...

[ODDJOB UNO]

yes you can have fun with c-rats/k-rats/and MRE's.......................have a coupla cases of MRE's on the shelf as i write.



with TABASCO.........................anything can be eaten.



good story.


remember when in battle or on safari or hunting................ya want to be regular. (1) BM per day while in the field. as grandma always said, "be regular in the morning, eat right, and "they" will be round and pointy on both ends". and thats exactly how ya need to conduct yer personal affairs........................cuz if ya havent noticed.


ya better be damn good at wiping yer ass with the amount of TP supplied with each MRE!

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by ODDJOB UNO

................ya want to be regular. (1) BM per day while in the field. as grandma always said, "be regular in the morning, eat right, and "they" will be round and pointy on both ends". and thats exactly how ya need to conduct yer personal affairs........................cuz if ya havent noticed.


ya better be damn good at wiping yer ass with the amount of TP supplied with each MRE!

THAT is a visual I did not need this early in the morning. Thanks a lot, OJU.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Joeaksa

Hey, I still remember the old "C-Rats" from Vietnam that were not any better.

The turkey and chicken were not too bad but then we were hungry...

My Father was an Army officer and was, shall we say, penurious.

We camped quite a bit when I was a kid...fishing, hunting and kayaking trips. Given his skinflint ways, he purchased C-Rats for the trips.

My sisters and I got quite good at hunting trough the boxes in search of canned peanut butter and crackers, Chiclets and Spaghetti!

For Uno: They were round, real and they were spectacular

[Rikao4]

tooling about in the sticks in our M577 (used for Commo or aid stations))
I tossed our dinner (C-rats ) into the heater box....
a short time later ....BOOM..
me riding on top ala Patton..
look below...
spaghetti balls/noodles ..sauce ..everywhere..
I forgot to vent the cans..

Rika

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Rikao4

I forgot to vent the cans...

I can remember well the little can opener that came with the Rats...

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

I can remember well the little can opener that came with the Rats...

Was that the P-38?

[ODDJOB UNO]

Originally Posted by BlueSkyJaunte

Was that the P-38?

yes it was a "P-38" and i have some in my survival kits.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by BlueSkyJaunte

Was that the P-38?

Wow, you are good...I had to look it up!

The P-38 in all it's glory:

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Pure luck, the P38 is my favorite WWII fighter so when I came across the can opener it was engraved in my memory.

[924slover]

My dad had a couple boxes of MRE's as a kid and i always loved making them i thought they were cool but eating them sucked .

[Rufblackbird]

awesome story!

MRE's have come a long way...they're actually pretty good now, at least the ones I had just before I got out in '08 compared to when I first had them (dark brown bags with freeze dried fruit) in basic training in '98...