Depression & Anxiety...

david914 · 03-15-2010, 04:18 AM

In recent years, I have been battling depression and serious anxiety. In 2005, my wife of 19 years and I divorced over what now seems trivial matters. I re-married a year later and my current wife and I have had some serious problems. We argue, sometimes daily, and it causes me serious distress. The arguments are usually over some misunderstanding or the way something was said. My current wife can be very impatient and sharp-tongued, so it makes for a very volatile combination with me. I have ADHD (diagnosed in 2006), have always felt awkward and am overly sensitive. I was tested for Asperger's, and while I have many indications, there aren't enough to diagnose me with it.

I am at the point where I need to more aggressively do something to help dealing with life and my home life in particular. My wife and I saw a counselor for a couple of years and while the talk therapy felt good for the hour that we were there, it did not have much of a lasting effect. I also tried psychiatric help, but it was nothing more than 15 minutes of "How are the drugs working?" and "Try this for a month and come back and see me". I have tried meds for ADHD and depression and anxiety and there doesn't seem to be a good overall solution. ADHD meds might help with focus, but cause extreme anxiety or aggressiveness. Anti-depressants (Paxil, Celexa, Lexapro, Pristiq) make me feel good, but cause all sorts of other side effects (digestive distress, restless sleep, weight gain, lack of sex drive) that are unacceptable.

Most recently, I tried Pristiq. Apparently, it is nothing more than a slightly modified version of Effexor XR. I immediately felt relaxed, at ease and able to handle anything my wife or step daughter threw at me. They also noticed a huge improvement and we were all more comfortable. The side effects started to become apparent within a day and so I started doing some reading and talking to other people. Turns out that this drug can cause PERMANENT sexual dysfunction. I know someone who took Effexor for 2 1/2 years and has been off of it for over 2 years and still needs to take the "little blue pill". Apparently, there are people who are completely disabled in this regard after taking this medicine for 5-6 years. In light of all this, I elected to cease taking Pristiq and asked my doctor to prescribe me some Wellbutrin as it has very few, if any side effects. Of course, it's a different kind of drug and after 2 days, it doesn't seem to take care of anxiety. Perhaps more time is needed to gain the full benefit.

I am nearing my wits end. There doesn't seem to be a good overall solution for me. Aside from ending my marriage and living alone, I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. At one point last weekend while on the Pristiq, my wife looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said that she had hope for our marriage because I was relaxed and easy to be around. It breaks my heart knowing that I am capable of being the calm and relaxed person that she needs me to be, but I can't find a way to get there without causing some other issue.

Have any of you had any success dealing with this sort of thing? I really need some help before it ruins my marriage and my life.

scottbombedout · 03-15-2010, 04:37 AM

David, that must have took some courage for you to write that.

When I have been in a similar situation with anxiety I have had to take each hour, sometimes each 5 minutes as it comes.

Wish I could offer something tangible to help you.
Best of luck and keep yourself safe.

Steve Carlton · 03-15-2010, 05:18 AM

My suggestion would be to try exercising and do yoga. I would think the endorphins would make you feel better and the exertion would calm you down. I hear great things about yoga, and could use it myself. Good luck.

david914 · 03-15-2010, 05:25 AM

It's a little uncomfortable baring your soul on a public forum. That being said, I have been on Pelican for many years and have found that when it comes down to it, the people on here are the most incredible group of intelligent, supportive and caring individuals you could ever hope to meet.

Putting my life up here for all to see is a small price to pay if it will help me find peace. The slight discomfort is nothing compared to what I live with every day.

david914 · 03-15-2010, 05:26 AM

Double post...

cbush · 03-15-2010, 05:58 AM

Sorry about your problems. I would have to agree with Steve- exercise can go a long way towards sorting out mind and body problems. I prefer running as it gives you time to think through things while relaxing your body. Yoga is certainly a low impact alternative.

Best wishes

dailyATX82sc · 03-15-2010, 06:01 AM

st John's wort has worked WONDERS for me.....maybe change things up a bit....find your place to relax and maybe a good clean or fresh coat of paint.....

i also find some good old "natures own smoke" works great!

m21sniper · 03-15-2010, 06:09 AM

I guess this is a stupid question, but if you consciously know you have anxiety disorder, when you get anxious, can you not just say to yourself, "This is just my disorder, i can ignore it and just temper my responses/actions?"

I am scared to death of heights, and i do that whenever i have to deal with any sort of high altitude activity (like rappelling from a helo, or down the side of a wall, whatever- back when i was a grunt).

I just say, over and over, "It's all in my head."

And i was always able to get through any high alt. task i had. Have you ever tried simply saying to yourself, "It's all in my head." ?

I'm just curious.

+1 on finding yourself some reefer to chill your nerves.

ckissick · 03-15-2010, 06:20 AM

I've heard radio adds from a woman who suffered for 20 years and now has a drug-free solution. I can't remember her name, but it's on the tip of my tongue. Anyone?

Tishabet · 03-15-2010, 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scottbombedout

David, that must have took some courage for you to write that.

I have no particular insights or advice to add, but +1 to the above... good luck man!

jhynesrockmtn · 03-15-2010, 06:41 AM

I watched my ex go down a path of trying to medicate away her anxiety and depression. She's diagnosed bi polar. For many this is much more serious than "it's all in my head" but I would do anything you could to stay off the drugs. Diet, exercise, change of scene. Yoga has been great for me. I don't suffer from depression but the focus required and cardio workout from Bikram yoga has a ton of benefits. I would try and find a therapist who isn't a pill pusher to examine other triggers or causes. Best of luck.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

Have you tried a good psychologist? The couple therapy doesn't count - if you're broken your marriage won't work anyway. Just throwing drugs at the problem isn't a long-term solution unless you have seriously messed up brain chemistry. Ideally a combination of drugs and therapy can get you straightened out to where you don't need either at some point. I also agree about diet and exercise being key. Of course in retrospect you probably now realize that your first marriage fell apart due in part to your issues, and you didn't fix them by finding a different partner. Water under the bridge, but you need to start sorting out why you're making bad decisions and focus on fixing yourself.

PorscheGAL · PorscheGAL's Garage

We have a family member with similar things. You need to find a doctor that you can trust to help. It may take trying a few to find the one for you. What works for one person does not necessarily work for another. You need a doctor who can try things until it works. In this situation seeing a doctor once or going to therapy once will not work. You will need to do it on a regular basis until you get things under control. Good luck. This is very difficult to go through. Prayers with you and your wife.

lm6y · 03-15-2010, 06:53 AM

David, that was a huge step of confidence you took. Good on ya.

Last year I was diagnosed with depression. I lost a very special person in my life because of it. I didn't seek help until it was too late. I am not on any of the drugs for it, because they sometimes heighten the suicidal feelings I experience. I really don't need THAT side effect!

More to the point. Bill is on to something. When I feel the depression coming on, or feel a overly dark mood, I just stop, and do as Bill did. You CAN talk your way down. I do it everyday. Figure out what mantra works best for you. I have to tell myself that the feelings I feel aren't real, it's just the depression creeping in, and I'm not crazy.

If you explain this to your wife, and explain that you need some time to "get your head right" before, or during a fight I think you will see a huge difference.

Good luck, and let us know how it works. Maybe someone else will have another method to try. And yeah, this IS an amazing place.

Gogar · 03-15-2010, 06:58 AM

Snipe, it doesn't work like that. Yes, it would be great if it did.

m21sniper · 03-15-2010, 07:00 AM

It does work like that for me. The only way i was able to function in high alt. duties was by constantly telling myself over and over, "it's all in your head."

I have a SERIOUS problem with heights.

I guess everyone is different.

m21sniper · 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lm6y

More to the point. Bill is on to something. When I feel the depression coming on, or feel a overly dark mood, I just stop, and do as Bill did. You CAN talk your way down. I do it everyday. Figure out what mantra works best for you. I have to tell myself that the feelings I feel aren't real, it's just the depression creeping in, and I'm not crazy.

Exactly.

When i'm up on a roof or something even a small gust of wind when i'm nowhere near the edge will make me feel like throwing myself flat on the roof so i don't fall off. It's totally irrational, and i know it.

Because i know it, i can tell myself that i'm letting my phobia control me, and continue to function.

If you don't know you have a problem, it's a much different situation, of course. But like the old GI Joe cartoons used to say, "Knowing is half the battle."

A saying they used to teach us in the military that helps with any kind of phobia, or pain, or discomfort, or anger, or pretty much any other problem is:

"Mind over matter. If i don't mind, it won't matter."

I'm not saying this is a cure-all, but i am sure it would help immensely to try and exert mental self control when the side effects of any psychological disorder begin to manifest themselves. It certainly cannot hurt to try.

Also, like anything else, the more you practice "talking yourself calm," the better you get at it.

lm6y · 03-15-2010, 07:08 AM

I have to tell you Jeremy, it works for me also. I'm not saying it works for everyone, but it's worth a shot. Like I said, if it alone, doesn't work for him, maybe in conjunction with something else it will. There have been som great alternatives mentioned as well. I just don't see me doing Yoga. I pop and crack just getting out of a chair!

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by lm6y

I have to tell you Jeremy, it works for me also. I'm not saying it works for everyone, but it's worth a shot. Like I said, if it alone, doesn't work for him, maybe in conjunction with something else it will. There have been som great alternatives mentioned as well. I just don't see me doing Yoga. I pop and crack just getting out of a chair!

The problem with the "it's all in your head, just talk yourself down" is that it can lead people to even more despair when it doesn't work. There are a lot of strategies to dealing with anxiety/depressions and that is only one (and not a particularly effective one for most).

Not everyone is super human like Snipe, able to slay his fears by just saying no and quitting all addictions cold turkey just by sheer force of will. Then again he also thinks that molestation of a young teen by an adult woman is "hot" rather than abuse, and feels the need to bang chicks half his age. So you might want to factor that into his psych "advice."

Gogar · 07:48 AM

Hey, don't knock snipe for banging chicks half his age!