Dysfunctional Family advice needed
 

Hello,

Yes. We all have dysfunctional families. My wife's may be a little more than others. I need some help here as we don't know what to do.

1) Wife has a father who is remarried with stepmom. Wife and her brother are from first marriage. Sister and brother from stepmom for a total of four kids.

2) Fundemental issue is there are two families. Family A and family B. Family A is stepmom's two kids and Father & Stepmom. Family B is all six people. Family A has a *****ty habit of doing things behind my wife's back like going to Europe or flying in for a get together and not telling us. Funny thing, we live 4 miles away from father / stepmom. Other siblings are across the continent. While you might think that we don't get along, that is not the case at all. I think it is simply that we are low on stepmom's priority list and father is socially clueless. Father would not intend on ignoring / hurting my wife ever but does so regularly.

3) We ask nothing of father & stepmom. Not money, not childcare, nothing. Other grandparents have an active role in our kid's lives. They did watch our kids 9 years ago for three days. Stepmom always seems to have a reason why she can't do ***** for us, even if an emergency. Funny. She watched her daughter's kid for every day for 9 months. We understand that she is not my wife's mother but give me a F'ing break people. This is ridculous!

4) Recently, Brother flys into town. My wife finds out via facebook that her sister is flying to town for a get together. We spoke to Father 3 or 4 times that very day and he never mentioned that they were getting together. This sort of thing is typical.

5) So, as you can see. We are angry. We are being treated as very second or fifth class family members. I told my wife that I refused to be second class and if they insisted on having two families, I would refuse to have anything to do with them. She waffled, as she loves her father and wants to be part of his life.

6) Tonight, she sent an email asking him to see if they could watch our three children for 32 hours while we went to a winery for one night this summer. No specific date, just in the Summer. The answer was that they were pretty booked up except for three weekends and that it would be difficult. I am calling BS on this and am really angry. Regarless of their schedule, it is crystal clear that we are not a priority.

Please give me your honest and specific thoughts and advice. I just may forward this to my father in law and his spouse. Or, post on Facebook for the whole world to see.

Thank you,

Larry

Kill your stepmom, she's causing this.













Seriously now, it seems like this originates from her. Let your wife have a sit down with dad, without the stepmom, let her explain the situation.
If dad does not act, or tries to improve the situation, he is either a wuss or does not care as much as you and your wife hope.
Difficult situation, to say the least.
Hope you get better advice than mine and that it all works out for the best!


PS: first sentence in green font, means I was kidding, please do not kill your stepmom.

Larry

First off don't get angry and ask your wife to do the same. You can't control what the "step mother" is doing so don't try.
I know that's easier said than done but believe me you don't have the energy to let this thing eat you up.

Talk to your father in law with your wife about your concerns. I'm not sure that will help but at least try to make him understand how you feel.

The best thing to do is focus on your immediate family love your wife and get on with life.

Well said, Peter!

Truism: We can't change others.

Best,
Tom

I agree with what has been said. Based on what you have shared, it sounds deliberate. What does your wife's brother think of this? Is he upset? If so, it is up to him and your wife to talk to the father. My advice would be for you to stay out of it.

Good luck.

I bet stepmom's got money...correct? Or atleast assets greater than your father-in-law.

F-em,, walk away. If they or her dad think enough of her they will reach out. Otherwise get on with your life without them. They aren't worth it...

This is the best advice. Your role in this is to make things easier on your wife, not be angry and stir the pot. Your attitude sounds like you are stirring up /inviting conflict which makes this more difficult on your wife. You can't change others- you can change how your react / respond to it. This is difficult for your wife, don't make it harder. Find someone else to watch your kids- you certainly do not want to leave them with someone who is ambivalent about them

hard to say and do but ... move or walk away.
If they come for visits, smile and let them in.

Dad will come around one day :(

Indeed some tough love here.
I'm not saying that playing it hard would not be effective or anything but remember guys, the wife loves her daddy AND WANTS TO BE PART OF HIS LIFE.
First talk, see if you can work something out.
Why turn your back immediately if that is the last thing you want to do?
Talk first, then see from there.

(Larry, I agree with the advice of letting your wife do the talking, stay in the background. Stepmom should not be there either, since she seems to be the cause (or at least part of it))

A big +1 to that.

It sounds like dad, whether through social ineptness, being whipped by his wife or whatever, has chosen family A. That sucks for your wife and brother in law, and I'm sure they know it all too well. I don't see that there is anything that you, the son in law, can do to change your FIL. If anything it sounds like this is between your wife, her brother, and their dad.

Yes, she controls the puzzy...just as with every other married guy.

I understand this well.

I was in a similar situation with my aunt (my dad's brother). I was never close to this aunt, but it was clear that she put her husband's family above her own. She would throw huge Christmas parties for the husband's family. We'd get invited over a few days later every couple of years. We didn't get invited over when there was a huge party for my cousin's college graduation.

She lives in Rockford, I live in Bloomington (about 100+ miles apart on I-39). She'd be in Bloomington for a weekend, and e-mail my mom after the fact to let her know that she didn't stop by my place. (Why?)

I was really fine with this, because she was not my favorite aunt. I just put up with it because she's family. I'd invite her to stuff and she'd never show, and once every couple of years I'd show up when invited to something.

She did piss me off when my dad died a few years ago. She called me the day before the funeral to tell me that she couldn't make it because she was "busy". Fine. Whatever. It's clear that I'm just about at the bottom of her priorities. I don't need people in my life who aren't dependable, but want me around simply to alleviate their own guilt.

I didn't hear from her for another two years. The past few years, she will call me on my birthday or send me an e-mail. The e-mail the first year was about how much she misses me. She was trying to guilt me into forgiving her. I've deleted her subsequent e-mails/voicemails without reading/listening to them. I really just don't want anything to do with her anymore.

I think the dad has made it clear what the priorities are, though he hasn't already said it. Right or wrong I doubt that anything positive would come out of calling him out on it.

Could be the stepmom, could be something between him and your wife you don't know about, could be a lot of things.. ...but I doubt it's an accident. You'll just have to deal with that level of casual relationship. It sucks when you can't get the occasional assist (we're in the same situation) but it is what it is.

I would try inviting the father and step-mother to do things - dinners, movies, wine tasting, whatever you and they like. I'd make a sustained effort, for a year or so.

Do step-mom's kids like your wife, consider her their sister, want to see her included? If yes, then possibly talk to them about it, ask them if they know what is going on.

You have your answer already. Quit wasting your time on people who don't want to be a part of your life.

Remember, 'I will not live my life according to the happiness of others'.

place EVERYJUAN on PROZAC, give each of them GUNS and a bottle of WHISKEY and it will be sorted out quicker than SNOT and cheaper than a shrink!

We are angry or you are just a little more so?

Family A's actions suggest otherwise....

If your wife's father does indeed regard and care for her, I believe its time she asked him to man the "f" up, start wearing the pants, and include them in the family. If he doesn't, then it doesn't matter, anyway...