Taco Bell opens a store in merry old ENGLAND~

[Normy]

Tonight, while perusing various web boards, I came across a blog entry that I found humorous. I don't know who the person writing it is, but it is intended to explain the subtleties of the fine Taco Bell cuisine to the discerning English "yob" palate. At 4 AM. Whilst drunk off one's merry ass~

[Believe me, my British friends; Taco Bell slightly beats greasy Pakistani-fried chicken and chips at 4 AM. That and Taco Bell has a bathroom to puke in, a decided advantage since it is far harder for the cops to grass you up for public drunkeness when they haven't actually seen you blowing chunks~ ]

Anyway....Here's the post. Please forgive the profanity!

N!


"Revenge for the BP Disaster"

It appears that our friends in Essex are about to receive the first UK Taco Bell since 1994. It will happen within a "fortnight" or two, whatever the **** that is.

As our Englishtani fellows are completely unaware of what Taco Bell, or even what Mexicans, are, I am preparing this handy primer to assuage the culinary and gastrointestinal shock they are about to receive.

TACO BELL: This is No, wait. scratch that. Probably need to back it up a bit.

Ahem.

TORTILLA: This is a flat, unleavened bread, usually cooked from flour or maize, on a griddle or flat stone surface. Not to be confused with the Castilian Spanish Tortilla, which means "little cake" in the non-Mexican world. Think of this as a very thin, round Naan, if you're into that Indian food you bastards plundered during your global reign of terror. If you don't know what flatbread is, think of Tortillas as chewy gigantic communion wafers. Tortillas are usually eight-twelve inches wide, or thirty-fifty decaliters in your crazy alien measurement system. Corn tortillas are often hardened by baking, to create different foods, although most recipes call for soft tortillas before cooking.

BEANS: These are actually Refried Beans, or Frijoles Refritos in the Mexican. Usually Pinto beans, stewed, then mashed to whatever consistency the cook wishes. For instance, I prefer mine coarse, with large chunks of unmashed beans hither and thither. The beans at Taco Bell are a much smoother consistency, as they have been apparently pureed for a few days until they resemble baby food. You can also use them to spackle holes in your wall.

CHEESE: Also known as Queso, pronounced "Kay-So", not "Quee-soo." You folks already know what cheese is, as you have like five million goddamned different kinds over there, mostly just Cheddar with a fancier name. Please do not confuse your weird foreign Cheddars with this "cheese." Taco Bell manufactures this cheese by taking perfectly good milk and torturing it with preservatives and chemicals until it turns into bright orange snot. Under no circumstances should you put this in your mouth. If this happens, however, do not panic - swallow the foul sludge as fast as you can, and try not to repeat the mistake.

VEGETABLES: Shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes, chopped onions. Not bad, and Taco Bell does purchase wholesale veggies from local suppliers.

BEEF: Ground beef of extremely suspicious quality, spiced, and heaped on your food.

CHICKEN: More properly, "A chicken-like substance". Meat of hens that committed horrible sins. Steamed-ish, then chopped into chunks half the size of your finger and nudged around a grill until they get some dark coloration.

STEAK: Ha ha, no, not really steak. Chunks of what might have been a steak, long ago in its youth, before age and depression and getting carved into bite-sized tidbits did it in. Now all it has is an empty bottle of gin and broken dreams.

Okay. We got that out of the way. Onward!

TACO BELL: A place that sells all of the same ingredients, over and over, in different shapes, mostly to drunkards who should be at home asleep and not out eating a goddamned knot of crappy filth at four o'clock in the morning. You may choose which shape your ingredients take, and then stuff it down your gut. This will happen over and over until all you limey gits are fat as ****, and then who'll be laughing, huh? WHO'S GONNA BE LAUGHING ONCE YOU START EATING TACO BELL, HOBBITS? HA HA HA HA ahem.

To whit, let's look at the menu for some of the more popular items over here in the land of Civilized Humans.

TACO: A tortilla, hard or soft, filled with meat, veggies, and cheese.

BURRITO: A tortilla, soft, filled with beans and cheese.

QUESADILLA: A tortilla filled with meat and cheese.

NACHOS: Many chips "crisps" (god, what the **** IS IT with you people? LEARN ENGLISH) made of tortilla, covered in cheese.

GRILLED "STUFT" (OK, I take that English thing back) BURRITO: A tortilla filled with meat and cheese. Then they grill each side for half a minute. No, I do not know why.

GORDITA: Soft tortilla filled with meat, veggies and cheese. Differs from Taco in that, brace yourself, the tortilla is thicker.

CHALUPA: Deep-fried tortilla filled with meat, veggies and cheese.

CHILI CHEESE BURRITO: God save us all, it's what it sounds like. American Chili with cheese in a tortilla. We are horrible monsters and should pray for death.

MEXICAN PIZZA: NOT to be confused with actual pizza, this delicacy is actually an artistic little entrée. First, a whole-grain wheat ball of sopapilla dough is hand-flattened, then baked until the crust browns. On top of this, a thin layer of Spanish oregano, sea salt, and olive oil is ha ha ha ha ha ha **** you it's tortillas, beans, meat and cheese.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Right.

Now, I understand if any of our expatriate fellows living in your third world island feel the hankering to go on down and grab a bite from this Essex place. It's only natural for an American to want to go eat horrible crap. But we expect a little better from you, Englandistanis. Be forewarned. Remember that Taco Bell, like phoning up an ex for a booty call, is something you will probably only do whilst drunk - and you WILL regret it. In fact, phoning the ex might be a better idea - your ex might cause self-loathing, but they won't force you to sit on the toilet for seven hours, turning inside-out at the rectum.

Most won't, anyway.

Instead, go BUY some tortillas at the store. BUY some actual cheese cheese, that's really made of your fancy cheddar, and buy some meat of your choice. Then make this stuff yourself! It's healthier, more delici...

What?

YOU DON'T HAVE MEXICAN TORTILLAS IN ENGLAND?

...**** it. Eat your Taco Bell, you heathens. It's what you deserve!

[Pazuzu]

Um...all of the British exchange students I knew in college LOVED Taco Bell. They simply couldn't afford it (bean burritos for two pounds in the center of London yo). It's not new out there.

[Bill Douglas]

Every town in England has a Mexican restuarant or two already. Not Taco Bell, but Mexican never the less.