Emerging war of the roses

island_dude · 09-17-2010, 02:11 AM

Its a long sad saga that began 2 1/2 years ago. Wife (I call her soon to be Ex, or SBX) announced that she was done. Moved into the guestroom and then out into a home I bought for her. She made a big deal about how we were going to remain friends and have extended families etc. She got involved with someone and even engaged, but that blew up. For various reasons we did not get a separation agreement together.

Fast forward to a few months back. I met someone very nice and we have been building our relationship (its now been 6 months). SBX is very unhappy about this. Has been acting out in numerous ways. Largely by harassing my SO and I and making tacky comments about her in front of my daughter. This is not how I acted when she was dating "mister wonderful".

She just took this to a new low. I got a call from my SO and she said that she had been contacted by social services about a neglect complaint against her and me over my daughter. Earlier this week the SBX was away and I agreed to watch my daughter. My SO offered to pick her up and watch her for a while and have her at my place before I got home (She works from home several days a week). My daughter who is 10, was alone for 1 1/2 - 2 hours. My SO got the full interrogation treatment and I will also. This is pathetic because SBX went to a music event last Thursday with her new guy and left my daughter at the house alone. This was at least 3 or more hours.

I believe that I have nothing to fear from the social services folks (2 hours is within the guidelines). However, I know many people that have had to jump through a lot of hoops over non issues.

I haven't decide how to treat these people when they contact me. I could give them the minimum. Be open with them or decide to provide the whole story of what my daughter's mom has been up to. SBX is having major depression issues and acts out in crazy ways. Multiple people have told me that I should have full and exclusive custody.

I should point out that I do have a lawyer now, a much overdue action, and I am getting help on the divorce and separation issues.

Any thoughts?

Crowbob · 09-17-2010, 02:28 AM

Open up compeletely. Do not bash the SBX, they don't want to hear it. Be sure they know SBX's issues. Get a full copy of their report. Ask their advice but follow your lawyer's. Social services are typically NOT on your side.

DanielDudley · 09-17-2010, 05:07 AM

That would be the best advice.

asphaltgambler · 09-17-2010, 06:35 AM

Is she a redhead? ??

Tobra · Tobra's Garage

Lay it all out for them dispassionately.

You could also speak to the SBX about it, it would be a waste of time, but I would make the effort.

LeeH · 09-17-2010, 06:58 AM

In AZ there is no law on how long a child can be left alone. However, my guess is that the social services folks have to investigate all complaints. My 10 yo is fine by herself for an hour or two.

Chocaholic · 07:18 AM

On the other hand (a bit of devil's advocate here)....if I were in a situation as you described (SBX acting out over SO, confrontational, etc.), the last thing I would do is allow any situation to occur that could be viewed by her (or her counsel) as inappropriate.

I have a 10 y.o. also and do not/would not leave him alone for any period of time. 10 y.o. kids can do very, very stupid things when left unsupervised. Because she did the same, doesn't make it any better. We already know she's got issues.

So, although I question your judgement (and that of your SO), the advice above is spot on. Be respectful and take the high road. And...assuming this hiccup goes away, don't be so stupid next time around. One must wonder if there isn't another (valid) side to this story. The fact that after all this time you've not pursued legal separation or divorce...and you have a child stuck in the middle while you and your wife are seeing/doinking other people tells me there's a mutual problem here. Sorry for being harsh, but this is reality. It seems you and your wife (that's what she is after all), have put your own convenience ahead of the good of your child.

crustychief · crustychief's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowbob

Open up compeletely. Do not bash the SBX, they don't want to hear it. Be sure they know SBX's issues. Get a full copy of their report. Ask their advice but follow your lawyer's. Social services are typically NOT on your side.

My ex and I did not get along until my lawyer GOD-SMACKED hers in court. Then she realized I wasn't the one being irrational.

LeeH · 09-17-2010, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chocaholic

On the other hand (a bit of devil's advocate here)....if I were in a situation as you described (SBX acting out over SO, confrontational, etc.), the last thing I would do is allow any situation to occur that could be viewed by her (or her counsel) as inappropriate.

I have a 10 y.o. also and do not/would not leave him alone for any period of time. 10 y.o. kids can do very, very stupid things when left unsupervised. Because she did the same, doesn't make it any better. We already know she's got issues.

So, although I question your judgement (and that of your SO), the advice above is spot on. Be respectful and take the high road. And...assuming this hiccup goes away, don't be so stupid next time around. One must wonder if there isn't another (valid) side to this story. The fact that after all this time you've not pursued legal separation or divorce...and you have a child stuck in the middle while you and your wife are seeing/doinking other people tells me there's a mutual problem here. Sorry for being harsh, but this is reality. It seems you and your wife (that's what she is after all), have put your own convenience ahead of the good of your child.

Your blanket statements are pretty judgemetal. All kids are different. I think it's up to the parent to make the call when it's ok to leave a child alone and for how long.

Mark Henry · 09-17-2010, 07:54 AM

In Ontario you can not leave a child under 12 alone at home. I would check your state laws on this.

MRM · 09-17-2010, 10:00 AM

If it is any comfort to you, Social Services has too much on their plate to do anything with you other than open the file and document that they acted on the complaint. Just act normal and they'll leave you alone. The sad fact of the matter is that they have more cigarette burned babies than they can handle. They don't have resources left over to spend any time harassing people like you.

notfarnow · 09-17-2010, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by island_dude

I believe that I have nothing to fear from the social services folks (2 hours is within the guidelines). However, I know many people that have had to jump through a lot of hoops over non issues.

I haven't decide how to treat these people when they contact me. I could give them the minimum. Be open with them or decide to provide the whole story of what my daughter's mom has been up to.

My wife is a child protection social worker. They get this kind of stuff all the time, and probably already see through the whole thing. They have to do their job and cover all the bases. If you explain the situation, and the greater context, they will see it for what it is.

I wouldn't sweat it... only one person ends up looking bad from this, and it ain't you or your SO.

Hard on your daughter though, very unfortunate collateral damage.

Tobra · Tobra's Garage

That is why I speak to the ex, she is using the kid as a weapon. Kids are not stupid, she is going to ruin her relationship with the child.

Noah930 · Noah930's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark Henry

In Ontario you can not leave a child under 12 alone at home. I would check your state laws on this.

Same law here in CA, AFAIK. Check what it is in your neck of the woods.

tabs · 09-17-2010, 12:03 PM

Be honest and forthwright with the SS but not too open and forthwright..Everything you say can and will be held against you. in other words make sure your CYA..

The sooner you resolve the legal issues the quicker you can put distance between yourself and your lovely soon to be ex. Unfortunately for you, there will always be a connection till death do you apart and that is your daughter..and you will have to deal with that..

What your going through with the little lady and your love child together seeems to be typical...and in the scheme of things not even that egregious.

island_dude · 09-17-2010, 05:31 PM

Wow. Thanks for the great inputs. I have not been contacted, but it seems like my SO might and satisfied the concern for now. I suspect I will get a follow up at some point though. Crazy. I plan on taking the high road and just giving them what they need. It a tough deal

Keith Perry · 09-17-2010, 05:32 PM

Chocoholic is mild compared to what you'll face from her lawyer. You ever have the kid in the house while boinking your girlfriend, overnight, etc. ? It just goes downhill for you from there. And for your wife. And for your wallet. And instead of filling your head here, you better fill it with what a good local in the know lawyer tells you and follow his advice, including dealing with protective services.

island_dude · 09-18-2010, 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keith Perry

Chocoholic is mild compared to what you'll face from her lawyer. You ever have the kid in the house while boinking your girlfriend, overnight, etc. ? It just goes downhill for you from there. And for your wife. And for your wallet. And instead of filling your head here, you better fill it with what a good local in the know lawyer tells you and follow his advice, including dealing with protective services.

I have never had the Girlfriend overnight while having my daughter. In fact a little game the SBX plays is trying to crash in on me when we are trying to have some private time. I have a lawyer and she is engaged on a host of issues. At this stage I think I am hold the majority the cards. The SBX had a boyfriend right at the beginning. In fact as I understand it she had him well before pushing for the break up. Her behavior was questionable at best. The problem seems to be that its hard to document anything.

I think this will be a non issue. We were fully compliant with the law and the guidelines. The complaint was a complete waste of time and geared at harassing me and my SO.

Its going to be a painful process getting this divorce done. Right no it is in the SBX's interest to have me around for health benefits and security. She wants the financial advantages, but not actually having me around. I wish she would find some meds that work because she is really a pain to be around now.

Thanks! I'll post on any progress.