I went to my first AlAnon meeting last night

Dueller · 03:51 AM

I've always been a bit of a cynic about 12 step programs, but on the recommendation of a close friend who has benefited from AA (sober for 7 years+) I gave it a shot. I had been to a few a year or so ago, but this was my first in earnest. The reality is I have marriEd two women who seem to be functioning and/or moderate 'holics, there has to be a reason inside of me that makes me want to ride in on my white horse and fix them. Somewhat eye opening as to my actions and the anger/rage I feel towards these SO's.

Anyways at $1 per meeting its a lot cheaper than therapy.

sc_rufctr · 09-15-2010, 02:37 AM

If it helps you then great.... But don't be so hard on yourself for two failed marriages.

You can be doing all the right things in a relationship and it can still go "pear shaped".

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Congrats! I hope it works for you...

futuresoptions · 09-15-2010, 04:05 AM

Did you meet any new chicks?

Dueller · 09-15-2010, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by futuresoptions

Did you meet any new chicks?

That's for AA...hoping they've switched addictions from alcohol to sex

enzo1 · 04:38 AM

I empathize with your situation. It's been 15 years since my 1st Al-Anon meeting. Only "chicks" I saw were mostly battered women dealing with alcoholic men and torn up families. It was my therapist that advised me to go. She stated I was co-dependent and would never have a good relationship with a woman , would repeat it over and over unless I was prepared to change. I wish you the best....anger/rage, find out where it comes from deal with it.... goes away and no one will be able to push that button again(awareness) White horse syndrome came from wanting to help my mother from her situation

futuresoptions · 09-15-2010, 04:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

That's for AA...hoping they've switched addictions from alcohol to sex

Yep, my bad... just trying to keep things upbeat...

Superman · 09-15-2010, 05:44 AM

You should also attend some Sexaholics Anonymous meetings, for purposes of networking.

scottmandue · 09-15-2010, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

That's for AA...hoping they've switched addictions from alcohol to sex

Best_pos_evar!

Good luck Jim, hope the meetings help!

And sorry to hear about the "knight in shining armor" syndrome... it can be a bee-hatch.

Dueller · 09-15-2010, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scottmandue

Best_pos_evar!

Good luck Jim, hope the meetings help!

And sorry to hear about the "knight in shining armor" syndrome... it can be a bee-hatch.

I actually had a friend (non drinker) who swears he went to AA to meet women who had switched addictions...loved it because they didn't drink and only wanted fast food so they could get home in the sack. Made dating really cheap.

Joeaksa · 09-15-2010, 07:56 AM

Hope it works for you....

Dueller · 09-21-2010, 06:57 PM

OK,,,so I have 4 meetings under my belt. Mostly couples dealing with a child's addiction or wives of alcoholics. Seems to be pretty rare for a husband to seek out these groups. I keep vascillating on whether my wife is a 'holic or am I just trying to conveniently lay blame on her for my own shortcomings. In any event it does seem to help me keep in perspective a lot of things about myself and to relinquinsh some of my need to "fix" dysfunctinal people I'm in various relationships with.

My mantra is I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it.

mikester · 09-21-2010, 08:59 PM

Someone extremely significant to me has been going to Al Anon for nearly 15 years.

It helps people immensely if it 'works' for you. It is up to you to follow the steps - you don't just do it once, you work through them a few times. I think some folks think that the addiction is the problem, it really doesn't matter what the 'other' person's problem is. You have problems too and Al Anon can help you with your part, it can help you recognize your part. It may not even be that you're part was the deal breaker but examining yourself, spending time on yourself will help you move forward.

Some of the folks there are still with their alcoholics - they don't push them away they learn how to cope with their parts in the relationship.

I don't go to meetings but I've seen a lot of people, men and women helped quite a lot by them. My life is surrounded by these folks. Some are crazy, some aren't (unless they don't get their meeting fix).

Go with it, work some steps - take it easy but do it honestly and I think you will find something in yourself that you needed a long time ago.

Have you talked to anyone at these meetings? They don't typically let new comers lurk...

Bill Douglas · 09-21-2010, 09:41 PM

Do you have to be an alcoholic?

Hello, my name is Bill. I, I, I have a bit of a thing for blonde girls

enzo1 · 09-21-2010, 10:49 PM

(or am I just trying to conveniently lay blame on her for my own shortcomings. ) close the door, lock it.... do some soul searching and deal with baggage so you don't take it to the next relationship and CHOOSE wisely the next time

Oh Haha · 09-22-2010, 12:58 AM

Good for you, Jim. If you gain any understanding about you from it, then it was a good experience.

I am not implying that the failed marriages were your fault, of course because it takes 2 to tango.

Good luck!

tabs · 09-22-2010, 01:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

I've always been a bit of a cynic about 12 step programs, but on the recommendation of a close friend who has benefited from AA (sober for 7 years+) I gave it a shot. The reality is I have marriEd two women who seem to be functioning and/or moderate 'holics, there has to be a reason inside of me that makes me want to ride in on my white horse and fix them. Somewhat eye opening as to my actions and the anger/rage I feel towards these SO's.

Anyways at $1 per meeting its a lot cheaper than therapy.

So you are saying you like EMOTIONAL CRIPPLES..and I doubt you are the White Knight who is there to help fix them..that is just your story...

Your attitude that Alnon is cheaper than Thearpy is FKED UP...and I doubt your sincerity about trying to find any self awareness about why you do the things you do...It just keeps your White Knight cover story alive..

Dueller · 09-22-2010, 03:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tabs

So you are saying you like EMOTIONAL CRIPPLES..and I doubt you are the White Knight who is there to help fix them..that is just your story...

Your attitude that Alnon is cheaper than Thearpy is FKED UP...and I doubt your sincerity about trying to find any self awareness about why you do the things you do...It just keeps your White Knight cover story alive..

Fuch you, Tabs. You haven't a clue as to who I am or my journey to self awareness or all circumstances involved in my current or past intimate relationships. The comment on AlAnon being cheaper than therapy was clearly an attempt at levity.

targa911S · 09-22-2010, 03:12 AM

[QUOTE=Dueller;5574419

My mantra is I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it.[/QUOTE]

that's a good one. stick with it.

Dueller · 09-22-2010, 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by targa911S

that's a good one. stick with it.

One of my initial reactions to AlAnon is they use the exact same steps as AA,. For example the first step is "Admit I am powerless over alcohol..." That perplexed me as I did not think I had an issue with alcohol in my life. But then I realized I in fact did have an issue...not with my use but in trying to control my wife's consumption. I recall on numerous occasions asking her if we could engage in an activity that did not involve alcohol or go a weekend without drinking. She resisited or rationalized ("Its only wine...I drink it over ice so its watered down...yadadadada"). And when she wouldn't or couldn't accomodate my request I would be disappointed and/or get angry that she didn't care about my feelings.

Just making the admission I have no control over her actions whether concerning drinking or other areas has been very liberating for me. Like a great weight has been lifted. And made me recognize my control issues.

Bottom line is while I am still a bit skeptical about 12 steppin', I am learning a lot about my own issues over which I do have control.