Divorce strategies....bringing an unrealistic STBX to the table
 

BTW....STBX= Soon to be ex


OK guys...I know I'm the resident barrister here, but I can always learn something from other's experiences, personal and professional.

Tell me about some of your tactics, both legal and otherwise, that finally got the STBX to the negotiating table.

I thought she wanted out. She should be happy to move forward. Do you both have lawyers? For mine we just used a single attorney as arbitrator and called it good. She was reasonable and I didn't fight anything so it was pretty smooth. Thankfully I can't speak to a contentious divorce. That said, I have friends who have gone through that, and from my vantage point the pissing match was never one-sided. Any "unreasonable demand" from one side was usually met with a tit-for-tat response and the lawyers made more money. I'd rather walk away from everything to get out easy and clean and just start over but that's me. Being on the moral high ground of what is "right" really isn't of much use when you've given most of your money to a couple of attorneys for the pleasure of that honor. imho, ymmv.

Seriously, consider giving up anything and everything to get is over and done with soon and move on with your life, exception being Alimony. That was my line.

I did agree to a VERY LIMITED amount and called it Alimony so I could write it off. But it was $300/mth for 2 years. Basically I agreed to continue making her car payment for 2 years.

What do you want out of it? Is there any material thing you want? Main thing is to do what it takes to get it over with smooth and move on. Fighting over stuff ends up costing you more in the end in Lawyer fees...

Oh yeah, filing and getting her serverd is usually what gets them to start negotiating...Work it through the lawyers. Now is not the time to try to be friendly. You can get that later, after the paper work is done.

I feel your pain. Can't tell you how many times I have been unable to get the opposing party to the table until just before trial. So that is what I do. Call the case up for a law day and tell the judge you can't make any progress on settlement and ask for the earliest trial setting you can get. Some people can't face reality until it is shoved in their face.

My past situation...........she wanted all the $$$+assets+401k, etc. I researched state law concerning what she was entitled to based on no kids together and length of time married. I calmly told her this is what she's entilted to whether we go to court or not.

She refused........so I said fine....................................... I'll wait it out. Go ahead and hire an attorney but Va state law says this %. You'll waste a lot of YOUR $$$ fighting for more than what's due.

After much legal posturing.......she listened to her attorney and settled for what I was willing to give her in the first place

Tell her she won a free 8 hour spa day, give her the address to the spa (which is really your office). BTW - let her know that a complimentary high-colonic is about to occur!

Mine wanted my 401K, pension, 1/2 of house we didn't own, etc. When I went after HER 401K and she found that I could, she started negotiating in good faith.

I also decided to hire a Bull-Dyke. I figured it would be better in court to be the only man than to be 2 men vs. two poor helpless women.

My ex thought I was having an affair with my lawyer. My lawyer laughed SO HARD when she heard that! Seriously not happening, from either side.

I guess it we really need to understand the problem you're facing. Do you both have lawyers?

well having witnessed your pain & follies from afar..
I believe she should be paying YOU...
she has a biz/bar..
kids are not yours..
the other guy died leaving the kids taken care off..
if she believes you to be going after her stuff..
she may settle quickly..
you did mention her lawyer is a newbie..

Rika

I paid for two attorneys to fight things out to the tune of $68,000. If I was to do it over again, we would have the mother of all garage sales - there would be no assets left and we would split the money. Here you go - now get the f out of my life.

Jim...me too. What is the sticking point?

Find the cost of freedom (CSNY) and drive that bus, brother.

What Paul said. I think you know that the goal is to "get 'er done." The healing begins at the first cocktail after the last document filing.

And they say O.J. was a bad guy.
Go figure.

She (or her lawyer) may have a strategy of drawing this out in hopes of finding something to attack you with... hiring a photographer to take seemingly-compromising photos, phone records, whatever.

The sooner the legal process gets started, the better. I would file the petition now, and deal with the negotiating later.

I believe the question was how to get the STBX to the negotiating table with reason.

I'd fight offense with offense. Take her down (or at least make it look like you're willing).

Jim, I don't have anything useful to ad except that I hope all of this is behind you soon and you can move on with your life.

Speaking from experience: The only way to ensure this goes really smoothly is if she is in love with someone else and wants out fast........In my case (26 yrs ago), it was her boss......A dentist married with 2 kids........He later got divorced and they married to live happily ever after?

I kept the house and didn't give up a dime of my retirement......Jim, Find some young good looking guy and pay him to chase her............

wow man its obvious you HAVE NOT BEEN THRU A DEE-VORCE. it aint like spy vs spy!


in just about ALL 50 states it is now 50/50 from the moment you are married. all assets accrued from that exact time frame become 50/50. from the moment one party the plaintiff serves the defendant , ALL ASSETS ARE FROZEN PERIOD!


that means you dont get her inheritance and she dont get yer trust fund. on the down side if ya hit it big on the market or got the corner office with a fat raise while you were married or hit the lottery.......................yer SCREWED! because THAT IS COMMUNITY PROPERTY and it will be divided 50/50 because you attained it while married. if you took a loan for 50K while married she is liable for 50% and so are you. same with credit cards.


if ya bought a house a boat a p-car had (2) kids and (2) kats in the yard it becomes 50/50.


without substance abuse, without criminal activity,without jail or prison or insanity in the equation(must be certified insane-not just feeking pyscho crazy) then kids are generally split 50/50 also as well as the cats.


so if ya had (2) porsches, she gets one and you get one. you sell the house and she gets 1/2 the bucks and so on.


the courts nor the lawyer give a ratts azz if yer caught with yer panties down boinking some midget bim bett w/44DD's nor do they care if she pulls a train with the entire NFL!

the best thing you can do is get off the lawyers clock and get it over ASAP! lawyers love long drawn out he said she said drama. it helps pay for their 2011 p-car. or race an entire season on your wallet.


dee-vorces are like wiping yer azz nowadays. it happens every day.



welcome to the club. getting dee-vorced is like getting a NEW LIFE to START OVER AND UPGRADE ON THE OPTIONS!



be like me and snag a new one with all the features yer last model DIDNT HAVE!



and one thats 12 years younger than ME!



LIFE IS GOOD NOW! like wayyyy better than it ever was. its all about finding a "KEEPER" and 12 years of being single taught me just that.

OJU, please read the original post again.

The negotiating table does not necessarily = 50/50, and if assets change during the marriage, things get pretty complicated.

You might try to be a bit less succinct. :)

genrex, have you been in a dee-vorce?


as far as being SUCCINCT, yes i am using "compact phrase expressions and NOT wasting words."



lets use this as an example. hubby and wifey get married.


each has a trust or inheritance. they are in place before marriage. they REMAIN that way after the marriage is KAPUTZEN!


now hubby gets big raise and corner office, thats community property. and thats the BUZZWORD!


just about all 50 states have adopted "community property" dee-vorce laws.


it saves alot of headaches on all sides of WWIII.


hubby and wifey have (2) kids. 99.999999% of the time there will be JOINT CUSTODY unless what i mentioned before and it is proven beyond a shadow of a doubt by the courts re: drug alcohol abuse, insanity(legally declared), one party is in jail or prison, or if the kids state they want to live with one parent over the other(this is the "carrot game" evidenced by a sudden amount of gifts showered on kids to sway their decision-ask me how i know).


alimony is just about a forgotten aftermath of the legal process. unless wifey does not work and gets majority of custody of kids. which as i stated is very rare one parent gets sole custody.



now heres the deal from OJU 's experience that led to a 3.5 year dee-vorce from hell w/2 kids.


1) the time for spy vs. spy is ONLY when you are going for full custody of kids and the other spouse is a TRAIN WRECK and the kids are in imminant danger like mine were.

2) the only other time its spy vs spy if you think spousey is cheating. and if you have THUNKED IT.............it more than likely IS happening and it doesnt take alot of rocket science nor time for a P.I. to find out.



now with my "prozac/drunk pyscho beeatch from hell ex", my kids were in imminent danger.



that was evidenced and proven when she got:


1) a .254 BAC AGGRAVATED DUI w/injuries.............the worst aside from killing someone drunk.

2) poss of pot/paraphanalia still a felony for just (1) seed here

3) no insurance-i saw the train wreck coming and canceled it.

4) speed unreasonable and imprudent-NO DUH! rear ended 69 yr old horsey lady stopped at red light at over 75MPH and broke her back in a new range rover. my 99 GMC Z7-1 was TOTALED . thank god the kids were not there.

5) failure to control vehicle-DUH

6)speeding

7) failure to control vehicle.



now i went up against (1) of the TOP 10 law firms here w/my lil ol one man band attorney who at that time had been practicing family law for 21 years.


i handed him ALL the police reports by 1030am the following morning and the wreck happened at 1115pm the night before. i was alerted by a cop friend of mine that the wreck had occurred and a friend of mine who was an insurance attorney had access to the tow yard where we took pictures of vehicles and all the contents of them. zig zag papers, beer cans everywhere blah blah.


when i handed that to my attorney he faxed it over to the BIGGEST AZZHOLE ATTORNEY on the planet who about keeled over dead from shock and AWE!


yes the white flag of surrender went up and i got everything i wanted and then some.



more fun than i could stand.



looking back.................well i dont very often. its all GOOD NOW and NORMAL! and we like NORMAL cuz we HATE DRAMA!



12 years ago i paid $280 and hour for my attorney.



good luck

Paging counselor Jim. Any additional info?

OJU....I must correct you a bit. The majority of states are not community property, particularly with short term marriages. Many have gone to "equitable distribution" , i.e., courts divide based on each parties economic and non-economic contributions. Equitable does not mean equal necessarily, However, even under equitable distribution you can end up with a 50/50 split, to wit: 25 yrear marriage, wife puts hubby thru med school, raises the kids, maintains the home front, and then is traded in for a young hot nurse.

FWIW, arid-zony was one of the pioneering states that essentially viewed divorce as nothing more than a judicial dissolution of a contractual relationship and not get into marital fault, etc.

fixed it for ya

i guess you would have to go to the table with want you want, what your goals are. then hire a bulldog of a lawyer that you can trade services with and spend her into the ground. then entertain thoughts of going to the table. i wouldn't rush into it just to get it over with, but i do understand that you want this over with. any chance you have a claim on her establishment, i bet that light a fire under her rear.

A total pitbull of a divorce lawyer who used to post here years ago is marcesq. He doesn't post anymore and I think he only works in VA. But he is THE man when it comes to this stuff. You might be able to PM him or I can send you his contact info. Good buddy and a good man.

contact a good tax atty and stop making all or any monthly payments !

Just for the record guyd my divorce has a few minor details to be ironed out. I asking for a client that is in a real crack; i.e. wife has him over a barrell and is engaging in I'm not giving you a Just need some new ideas.

pic or it didn't happen

Am I the only one that can't make sense of this? Dueller, your mind must be spinning bro. :)

Translation:

Just for the record, guys, my divorce has a few minor details to be ironed out. I was asking for a client that is in a real crack, i.e., his wife has him over a barrel and is engaging in, "I'm not giving you a....". [I] just need some new ideas.

I think.

In other words, the question in your OP is not about you and your STBX? I think everyone assumed it was.

If the soon to be ex is a real special case, some people hire PIs.

Is this sorta like asking about the clap "for a friend" or buying needles "for a friend"? :p