lamp changing
 

Q: How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's what research students are for.
A: Five. One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind?
A: None. Just assume it's changed.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I was up there!"
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to say "what's the big deal, I could have done that."
A: Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.

Q: How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but you should have seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.

Q: How many admin. assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a light bulb design change request form.

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.

Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
A: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.

Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q: How many Alan Keyes Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: More than there are.

Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]

Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out over here."

Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know that!

Q: How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five; one to change the bulb, and 4 to whine "It's too high!"

Q: How many American college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
A: Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it)
A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.

Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.

Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective.

Q: How many American soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. But you also need six British soldiers for them to blow up and a slew of Pentagon lawyers and spin doctors to explain "This tragic friendly fire incident."

Q: How many American stand-up comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....

Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement.
A: One to do it and the other 156 to blabber to the world how they've done something better then Canadians (for once).
A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it was politically correct.