Mabye I'm just getting old
 

So I dragged myself out of bed this morning in a state of complete disrepair. Not hung over but just unshaven, unwashed, and with a severe case of the winter-to-springtime funk. There was little worth saving behind my souless, sleepless eyes. I was completely on autopilot.

The young cutie behind the counter got up and walked up the stairs. She did a quick check-six, crinkled her nose, and kept going.
I had glanced away, but it was too late. Busted and shamed.

Honestly, in most of that 2.75 seconds my thoughts were pure. Honest.

PHASE 1
O.k. I'll first have to fully admit the first .5 seconds my thoughts were completely impure:
Daaamn, what a tight little behind.
I'd bounce it like this over here.
Then bounce it like that over there.
She could do this while I'm doing that.
Whip cream, definitely.
Then we could do something different...

PHASE 2
But the other 2.25 seconds were as follows:
Well she is kind of b_tchy.
Is that a "high standards" b_tchy, or a "high maintainance"?
That's a tight and fit body, but kind of similar to that of a little girl.
What am I a pedophile?
This girl is half your age.
That Police song was awesome.
The 80's had some great music.
No it didn't.
She could be your daughter.
But with who?
If I had a family with...that....one girl back from high school, my life would be completely different today.
Babies are smelly.
I hate driving people places and waiting for them.
Dang parent-teacher meetings.
Jeeze, time flies.
That was a long time ago.
What have I accomplished since then?
Hmmmm.
She has a very long torso but short legs.
With those stumpy legs she couldn't outrun a tiger.
Wait, there aren't any tigers around here.
Why am I looking at her? I already have a good woman.
And if she heard could hear my thoughts now, I'd be strung from a lightpole by my toenails.
A very long torso indeed, proportionally.
Mabye she had malnutrition as a child.
Naww, couldn't be.
If she works here, her family had money for food.
Mabye it's genetics.
Perhaps I could ask her if everyone in her family has a long torso.
Geeesh.
That's the stupidist idea you've thought of today.
Congratulations John.
What would possibly be a more stupid thought for tommorow?
Mabye it's a birth defect.
Do her hip joints move with equal fluidity and rythim? That could mean something.
She's looking at me.
PULL UP! PULL UP! GROUND PROXIMITY CAPTAIN!
Why is she looking at me?
ALLERT! ALLERT!
Why am I looking at her?
WARNING! WARNING!
I must be tired.
DANGER! DANGER!
Oh, I'm staring. Oh S.............

You are getting old.

:)

Perfect!

Maybe when you get old enough you will just think I wana fk her....

Relax.

It's a priviledge of getting older. Leer at everything. Openly flirt with waitresses. It's quite normal - almost expected of us.

Being thought of as harmless and irrelevant is such a privilege.

BTW, great story John.

you know you are getting old when after the first look you say to yourself " that would be too much trouble"

better to be getting old than getting dead.

that's a big 10-4!

Good stuff John.

Very enjoyable...and too true. Hey, just keep enjoying the scenery. It's kind of like looking at a ferrari or Maserati...a lovely view, but no desire to possess something so troublesome.

women are like elephants. i like to look at them, but i wouldn't want to own one.

w.c. fields

Ever since I was old enough to look at women, I have always wondered how they knew to turn around when being watched.

Brush up on your skills.

I'll have the soup.