Ever had a family member drop out?
 

My wife used to have a pretty close relationship with her brother and his wife. However, over the years while we were having kids, they became more and more obsessed with travel, wine, and luxury. They thought of themselves as gourmands; I thought of them as gluttons.

Eventually and as I predicted, brother lost his high paying job. That didn't stop him and wife from multiple trips to Italy and France, or from downing several $25 bottles of wine a night. Regular communication between my wife and her brother and sister in law became sporadic. Finally, bro in law drunk dials my wife late at night to tell her he needs money to pay his mortgage. I called back the next day and said (in so many words) there's no way I would lend money to a couple of free-spending alcoholics. And what happened to your savings? That ended that.

Wife's oldest brother has also been shut out since he told the other bro to get help with alcoholism. The guy doesn't think he's an alcoholic, just believes he leads a high life. Lots of unearned snobbery here.

Now we just learned through Internet snooping that sis in law's brother died. Ordinarily, this would be big news and what remains of the families (early deaths of wife and sis in law's parents) would come together. My wife is beside herself, as this used to be a close knit family. From what we can gather, they haven't lost their house, but we don't know much else.

I think the guy might be really embarrassed, as he went to one of the most expensive private colleges in the country, has never had to struggle, and thinks his poo doesn't stink. Still, you would think reality would set in at some point and they would realize that family is all they have.

Wife has tried to contact some of their friends, but they also have a lot of problems and haven't responded. What would you do? Fly down and knock on their door? Wait until they contact you (wife doubts that will ever happen)? Write them off?

My wife's sister doesnt talk to us anymore because I told her oldest not to jump on my couch (standing up if that matters). Yours sounds a lot more reasonable than mine. Easy to understand embarrassment etc in that situation. Telling a kid not to jump on the couch, not so much.

If he is truly alcoholic as well, he has to hit bottom. May not be there yet

Seems they have made a choice.

Hard to accept with family.

Have had similar situations in our dynamic. Have not heard from my sister in a few years. She bowed out of coming to my brothers wedding last May at the last minute due to her cat coming home from the vet. She's the Director for an animal shelter so no issue with a place to house the cat for a couple of days.

Nothing happened, no argument, no conflict, she just chooses to keep to herself.

You can pick your nose, pick your ass, but you can't pick your family.......

I shake the dust of douche bags from my shoes, if they are related of not, and never look back.

Unfortunately, when someone's self-esteem is based on what they have instead of who they are inside, then the embarrassment of the failure is too much to bear. At that point, they will try to keep up the facade at any cost. We all know someone who is always bragging about what they just bought and how much it cost. They are looking for validation by having stuff. They don't realize that even though we see the stuff is desirable, we don't admire who they are just because they have it.

Alcoholism, (or any foolish behavior like drug abuse, reckless spending, etc.) is self-medication to avoid pain, fear, etc. Until they admits they need help, giving them more money is only going to delay the inevitable. IMO, they need some tough love which lets them crash and burn and then is quick to help pick up the pieces when they admit they made foolish decisions that got them where they are.

But blood is thicker than water

Very interesting subject. It's interesting to see how family members and friends react to people that have even a slightly different lifestyle. They're not asking you to agree with their way of life, just to have a little understanding and acceptance.
You wouldn't believe how differently my wife and I are treated from my siblings just because we decided to not have kids. Without the added expense of children, we do have a little more disposable cash, but my family thinks we're very well off because of the things we have acquired. They tend to come across like we should ante up and spread the wealth. That, alone, has put distance between the family and us. Live and let live. Life's tooooooo short!

Family problems are the worst! We only see my brother and his family once or twice a year due to his wife's issues and it's only getting worse. The entire family is upset and one person is to blame...Actually, one person and her husband for letting her get in the middle of our family and tear it apart...

I had to come to the realization that family members are still just people. Maybe people you wouldn't associate with in some cases if they weren't family. I found out it's best to treat them as the people they are, which sometimes calls for distancing yourself from them.

Give it one honest shot to see what is going on- if they refuse, well you tried. You need to give them that at least....

rjp

My heart goes out to you. It can be very hurtful. Sometimes family discussions need an independant mediator.

I've got a sister who always has been a bit nuts. For the sake of this discussion we'll call her Julie. Julie was always a bit volitle and behaved like a bad natured 15 year old school girl, well since she was 15. When our Mom died she thought everyone was out to steal her share of the inheritance. We had accountants and lawyers involved, plus I loved my sister, plus I've never robbed anyone - so there was no way she was going to get ripped off. With a bit of stress in her life she totally flipped out and did her best to de-rail any work in winding up family trusts etc. She cost us 100s of thousands, and when I say us that's her included. But her hate couldn't take a break while I was doing this for us and her. Our last comunication was when she found out I'd sent her daughter a birthday present and she told me to fu** off and die.

So don't try too hard, or beat yourself up, over a situation you can't fix. All families have nut cases, and these people are yours.

this.

Word.

I could write a soap opera about my (and my wife's) family. Sex, drugs, booze, drama.... :rolleyes:

My wife and I were the only ones with our heads screwed on right.

I had a sister 'drop out' for about 10 years after my father died, but we have made amends and have a great relationship now.

My other sister 'dropped out' when her husband and I could no longer be partners in business. (he stopped showing up for work, disappeared for many hours a a time, daily.) Rather than try to work out an amicable division, he lawyer-ed up and cost us a fortune.

But only in that order!

Track down to............. what ?

Funny you should say that. My brother was just talking to me about my cousin. He said ending a conversation with her is like trying to shake a booger off your finger.

Not that I've every done that. :D

My oldest sister drops in and out of the family grid, mostly out.

Brilliant woman, went to the best schools in this country. Extremely accomplished horse woman, was trained by Hilda Gurney in the late '60's early '70's.

Raises sheep and goats for fine wool and thread on 1600 acres in the mountains of North Carolina. The town they live in is named after her husbands family.

I work the trap lines, always willing if she is able. I continue to do this because I was asked to by my mother before her passing in 1990...I have no other reason than that to carry the flame to her. Our relationship is diffident at best.

It is odd how the positive aspects and burdens of truly gifted people, which she is, can play out.

my poor mom got absolutely SCREWED by her sister. for million$.

my mom is the most incredible woman ever. she has forgiven my aunt. my aunt will call me for help around her multi million dollar san francisico home. i go out of respect for my mom. my mom wants me to take my lonely aunt out for dinner..i have yet to call.

family can suck. i try to be nice, but deep down inside, i cant control my feelings.

i think in LOOMIS's position..i would sit down and ask them how EXACTLY they needed help. this is the one "open door" they have given you. take advantage of it, and tell them what you think. you may get through and save them.

Had a similar situation with (now ex-) friends who thought it was a great idea to let their 5 year walk and jump around on my new Brunswick pool table. I was not amused. Gretch nails it btw, took me a while to understand this though. Once you understand, life becomes much easier.

Good insights here.
 

We can't force things to be the way they were. My wife's family has gotten even smaller, it appears.

i've dropped out myself for 4-5 years, did me good to be away from the messed up family dynamics, came back bigger, badder and stronger then before..

We have a situation that will turn into a drop-out. My aunt (my mom's sister) is just about broke, "borrowed" money from her mom as an advance on her inheritance to finish a house her son-in-law is building for her.....all by himself. It's been almost seven yrs. since this started, no end in sight, money has run out, aunt's daughter just had a baby and now the son-in-law has to get a real job with health insurance, which means he can't finish the house. Meanwhile, there's a good chance my grandmother will live long enough to need every last penny she has (she's 90) and so that inheritance advance will never be repaid to the estate, my mom will get nothing and probably have to pay out of pocket to handle the estate. It's a mess. Aunt is also a raging alcoholic.

+1

It took me a few years to figure that out.

Oddly enough, my family has another saying: friends are the family members you get to pick. :)

Our family has always been fragmented, even before it finally blew apart when my parents divorced. Not sure who was dropping out on whom, but we have had long stretches with little contact at times.

You want to believe that time will heal old wounds, that people with get wiser as they age. Sadly, thats not always true. Some people latch on to a life strategy, and drive it straight into the ground, no matter who they hurt or alienate in the process. Accepting that is hard, because to an outsider, its so clear that the person is heading down a dark path, but they can't see it.

Time does not heal old wounds. I come from a family of six siblings. I hang out with two of my siblings, I have another living with me and barely talk to the other two. One of the ones I do not talk to is a sister one year older then me. She beat me up when we were younger because I borrowed a pair of shoes. I will never forget and I will never speak to her except when she is asking a question directly to me. Am I ok with this? You bet.

Like others have said they may be family but it does not mean that you have to like them.

Another one, the sperm donor with my mother. He left when I was less then 1. He came back for a day when I was 2 and I did not see him again until my mother died this year. He wants a relationship with me but I have told him I am not interested. He is not my father. He was never there for me or anyone else in the family. Some of my sibs want a relationship with him and invite him over to events. For events that I attend, I will be polite but that is it. That is all I can afford the man who laft 44 years ago.

Some may see this as sad but I do not. I am happy with the way I live and the people I engage with.

I'm with Kim.

Oh, and have a family member drop out? Uh, that would be me. Nothing left of my family but a cousin I see once in 3-4 years. He's 70 miles from me. The rest are all in-laws and I try to see them about every 3-4 years.

Doesn't always work out.

Exactly how I run my life

WRT family, I am the most fortunate person I have ever known. I can not imagine I could have done better if I got to choose and had years to research the subject.

Regarding the subject of the thread, if it is me, I give it a shot, if it does not work out, you did what you coud.