Twentysix Years Ago Today
 

Twenty Six years ago today Orson Wells, Yul Brenner and my Mom passed away. She passed away just about this time of day...4:45PM. She struggled with Breast Cancer for about 18 months, finally it went to the bones. It never went to a major organ.

About a month before she passed away she went into a Hospice, stayed for 2 weeks and went home for another 2 weeks before the end came. Her 3 Sisters came to visit while she was in the hospice and that buoyed her spirits so she came home. She didn't take the Morphine because it made her languid and she didn't like that.

Her death was both sad and a relief. Sad because there was a hole where a person once stood and a relief that she wasn't suffering anymore. It was like watching the Titanic sink right in front of your eyes and there wasn't anything anyone could do..you knew she was sinking and just didn't know how much deeper was it going to get before the end (I could see it coming for almost a year before)? Walking out of the hospital that day I saw a tree highlighted against the mountains as the sun was setting..it was like looking up from the bottom of the ocean..we had finally reached the bottom.

On Friday it was 23 years since Dad passed away. Prostrate Cancer got him..it went to his Lung. For the last 6 months of his life he could not stop coughing. He could only sleep in one position and not cough. He had a session of Chemotherapy and he had no real ill affects except for a loss of hair. Two weeks after the treatment he started throwing up anything he ate or drank. When the Oncologist heard that he was incredulous, and said "that shouldn't be happening.".(City of Hope MD). For him it wasn't about being in pain, but imagine the worst case of the Flu ever...finally he wanted to be put into the hospital, and when being admitted his MD told him there wasn't anything that could be done except to make him comfortable. The next morning Dad passed away. He knew what Mom had gone through and was just done. The only thing that held him in life that morning was his feeling that he was leaving me alone.

And that is the story that should be told. Early that morning the Hospital called and siad Dad was going. I got there as quick as I could, finding him in a stae of being comatose with his body turning colder and that death rattle breathing. One of his lady friends was already there, sitting in a chair. After a bit I started to feel conflicted, not an emotional conflict but more of a mental one. Finally I sat down in a chair next to Dads bed, holding his hand. I bowed my head and thought, "God I can't talk to him anymore." Then I started thinking "I failed him, I failed him over and over. I thought I don't feel like I failed him, pulled myself up out of that feeling, looked at my Dad and said, "You didn't fail me." He took a deep breath and two short ones and was gone. My words had released him from this life. He felt he was failing me by leaving me here alone.

Being with my Mom those last hours of her life, I realized that it doesn't get anymore real than death, and that I would never doubt my perceptions again. My Dad was the proof that ones perceptions or Intutions are accurate as those words that I said released him from this life.

Damn...but thanks for writing this.

Tabs,
Thank you for sharing those stories with us. Making peace(or whatever a person may call it) with one's relatives is important.


I was there as my slipped away like you were and it was a painful moment for me but joyful at the same time, knowing that he was no longer suffering.

Thanks for sharing that poignant story Tabs....for many of us we can relate - having faced such scenarios and will still be facing them in the coming days.

What did Steve Jobs say about death:

Almost everything--all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure--these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. ~ Steve Jobs ~

Thanks for posting that Tabs. I was there with my father at the last moments also. I had to be the one to tell the medics to stop working on him. Probably the toughest decision I ever had to make in my life.

Thank you Tabs. I can relate with nearly the exact same circumstances.

I think all of us thought your mom was alive. I think you've talked about her in the present tense. While I'm very sorry she's gone (and dad too) I think we've all been had.

Tabs, that was a great tribute. I lost my mom coming on three years ago, less than a month after coming back from Iraq. That loss has caught up with me. Your words are actually comforting, if not darn right enjoyable. It seems that your folks and my mom (and my dad as well) just burned into us some things that cannot be denied, even in their deaths.

Thanks.

I have been blessed with healthy parents.
They are in their 80s and I am not looking forward to the day when they are not here.

When I was doing my renovation, I had an older tile setter come to the house while I was at work. Being in the neighborhood, my parents dropped by often to see how the tile guy was doing.
When I got back from work, the tile guy said to me "You are so lucky. You are never the same person after your parents are gone.".
Thanks for posting that, Tabs.
Edit: It is mom and dads 57th anniversary today.

That is a terrible decision to have to make, because in a sense you are playing God. It is your order that ends a life now.

U think so?

The only thing that made it easier was knowing that if they did revive him, it would only temporarily prolong what he was going through. I couldnt do that too him either.

That's the impression i got too.

I was away when both my parents passed (dad first) so never got to say good bye
to either. Take comfort in being there for them.
I miss them a lot.

I understood this when I was 20 years old and saw someone put a bullet in his head. The realization that came to me upon that event was that if you do not have peace of mind all the riches of this world do not mean a thing. If you have peace of mind, and U want money you can go out and make money. To that end I set out on a road of self realization. I realized that mom and dad did not teach me very much and I had to start at basically ground zero and rethink. I knew it would take years and I was willing to put those years on the table,

I also realized life is bittersweet, that we should pay attention to the great beauty that lies in a single blade of grass as our time in the sun is short to do so..

Yes

I lost my father when I was 14. Brain tumor. Losing a father at a young age does have a way of putting things into perspective and sometimes that perspective doesn't really set in until years down the road.....I try to count my blessings every day including the fact that Mom at 87 is still with us and doing well. But the day will come that I will dread - your post was a fitting reminder to us all to appreciate what we have every day for no one and nothing lasts forever...

Thanks Ted. Well done...

Well said, TABS. :)

It was about the same number of years that my parents passed away. Both from cancer but different types and a year apart.

Father was bone cancer and he had it rough. He had even asked me to be ready to "help him go" if he needed it. I flew a medivac bird then and had talked to the medics who were going to give me enough insulin to put him out of his pain. Thank God it was not needed but no one ever tells us about endings like this.

RIP for your parents Tabs... know the feeling and its a journey that we all must make in the end. Hope mine is shorter...

My best friend died when we were both 20. I played guitar at his funeral and did the eulogy. That'll give you some perspective.

Sorry about your parents. Happens to all of us - my mom passed about 8 years ago after a long battle with Parkinsons and finally leukemia got her. My dad was recently diagnosed with bladder cancer and is in the hospital at the moment. Death is in fact about as real as it gets.