A question for parents of young kids.

[Oh Haha]

Curious about your thoughts on taking away extra curricular activities as consequences for bad behavior.

BTW-my wife and I agreed on the punishment set forth by me but then we decided to modify it so the child did not miss a lesson tonight. The class is non-refundable.

The child is 4YO and threw a tantrum over something trivial yesterday and then ove something completely different today.

[Mark Henry]

Remember a child has a short attention span, a toy, activity, etc may only be missed for a very short time. Find out the root cause of the behavior, the cause not action.

[plumb4u2]

my twins just turned 4 in july and their behavior has gotten worse as of late...seems like the terrible 2s were better then 4.
as Im typing this they are going crazy cause they dont want to go to bed

even though im only 33 i sometimes wish we had them in our early 20s caused i find myself losing patience a lot

[Hard-Deck]

That's odd; patience is supposed to grow as you age.

I have a 23yo Son and a 12yo daughter. Punishment is different as kids are different. However, to prove a point is the same. Find the root cause and explain it and take away the current most important thing/activity as collateral to fix behavior.

even though im only 33 i sometimes wish we had them in our early 20s caused i find myself losing patience a lot

[stomachmonkey]

Lots of reasons for tantrums. Tired, not feeling well or he could be testing you.

The worst thing you can do is react to the behavior. Instead react to the situation.

It has to be immediate so they correlate it.

It's fairly normal at this age.

Know something, at 4 they are a lot smarter and manipulative than you think.

A good verbal response from you is "I understand".

Avoid debating with them. They are too young to grasp adult logic.

[mikester]

Yes, we do take activities away based on behavior.

Our oldest has had problems with the way he handles not getting his way. Between 3-5 years old we had big problems with temper tantrums to the point where we were seeking help.

I called the nurse line for my benefits one time and I can't remember now the whole conversation but the nurse said that based on what you have told me it sounds like he's 'playing' you. I had my suspicions on it as well and she encouraged me to test the boy by providing him a stiff penalty for that sort of behavior. Basically; when he blows his top he spends the remainder of that day on his bed. Since this usually happened at home that worked out. I started it that moment and was consistent. I was surprised at how quickly he 'got it' and stopped having temper tantrums. He's not perfect but no kid is - I don't expect perfect and I told him that. I expect 'pretty good' and now with regards to the temper tantrums he is better than pretty good. Sometimes he blows his top still but where as before a tantrum could last hours now if they happen at all he buttons himself up rather quickly. He's almost 7 now and I swear once I was sending a consistent message and following through consistently on the discipline he stopped with the hours long temper tantrums.

Now when he has one I can tell the difference because he works hard to bring himself down a notch and keep himself from spending the rest of the day on his bed.

Either that or he is a fantastic actor.

[Icemaster]

At that age we ignored the moderately bad behavior and only rewarded the good. Responding to the bad seemed to validate what they were doing, they'd do it more. You dont turn a blind eye to it, rather showed them the right way to respond or behave, when they did it right, they were rewarded.

If it was seriously bad behavior though (like a public tantrum) they got the book thrown at them, they lost something that was very important to them - if it's an extra curricular, so be it. You'll know what that is for your situation. We were blessed with very well behaved kids and looked at it as more us providing guidance and definition of boundaries, it's just what worked for us.

It varies per kid/family. As long as the good behavior was rewarded more than the bad behavior was punished, we figured we were doing well.

YMMV. Do what works for you, nothing wrong with trying something then adjusting as needed. Just be consistent whtaever it is.

[plumb4u2]

Originally Posted by Snapper33

That's odd; patience is supposed to grow as you age.

I have a 23yo Son and a 12yo daughter. Punishment is different as kids are different. However, to prove a point is the same. Find the root cause and explain it and take away the current most important thing/activity as collateral to fix behavior.

maybe patience wasnt the right use of words, energy to handle them may have been a better statement

my wife and i often say we should have had then when we were younger
i also dont think it helps that we both work full time and the kids are pretty wound up from daycare
seems to have gotten worse since they have both stopped taking naps

[Oh Haha]

Thanks for the replies. I know we aren't alone in the trials and tribulations of raising our kids but it's nice to hear other's tales now and again.



When she returned from her class, she went right to work on cleaning up her toys per her modified consequences. When she came upstairs to put something away, I sat down with her and discussed why she had priveledges taken away. She said she was sorry for having a fit.

She's a smart kid, no doubt but I am not falling for the sweet smile and sad eyes.

She's still grounded from video games for a week.

[Oh Haha]

plumb4u--I feel the just the opposite on my age. I KNOW I wouldn't have had the patience to raise kids in my 20's. I figure there's a reason I didn't have any until I was in my 30's.


Somedays, I don't have any idea on how my parents raised 6 kids and managed to stay married for 47 years.

[Cranky1]

I have 3 but raised two....my X raised one and they are all very different. The oldest was really calm until she turned 12 and all hell broke loose and the youngest started her terrible 2's at age 1 and that lasted until 9! Yup, I was banging my head against the walls a lot. What worked for the oldest didn't work on the youngest and what worked on the youngest didn't work on the oldest. The oldest didn't get enough discipline and the youngest probably got too much but what worked the best was taking away toys at an early age but getting 'structured' swats worked very well when she got a bit older. One time after hearing way too much mouth, I just held up one finger and she asked what that meant and I told her. It means you have a swat coming and if she wanted it now or later. Mouth started running again telling me how she was too old for swats (she was around 11) and at that point I put up a second finger. She became livid so up went a third finger and she stormed out of the room at that point. A couple of hours later I had to remind her that she wasn't getting out of them and she started to talk but I interrupted her and asked her if she was going to try for 4! That scenario happened about 3 more times in the next 6 months and that was about it from then on. We had tried all kinds of things before resorting to that and there was nothing too hard but just enough to sting a little and make her not want anymore. A large paint stick usually did the trick. The oldest is 35 now and is still a pita...been in jail several times and married a loser that's been in jail more times than she has and both are now druggies. The youngest won't even drink!

[plumb4u2]

for us personally we have been together since 16, married @ 20 and were more home bodies in our 20s mainly cause we were working hard on building the careers..we have more friends now and like to go out more now, but a lot of that is to keep our sanity

our twins were invetro and took us 7 yrs to get them so we are blessed

i think having our twins in our 20s would have been easier cause they are boy girl with two totally different personalities and they just always want to do something different, so it takes a lot of our energy to keep up

[nynor]

ours is 2.5 years.... i don't think that taking away a privilege would mean anything to him. i don't think that the child, at that age, has the logic abilities to parse those consequences. not sure how that translates to a 4YO. however, beyond about 6, privileges and such will be judiciously removed upon bad behavior.

[campbellcj]

I would not take away 'constructive' activities such as music or sports, but certainly something like screen time (tv/movies/games) or a play date / sleepover kind of thing is fair game.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by Icemaster

At that age we ignored the moderately bad behavior and only rewarded the good. Responding to the bad seemed to validate what they were doing, they'd do it more. You dont turn a blind eye to it, rather showed them the right way to respond or behave, when they did it right, they were rewarded.

+1, exactly. And, it has carried on all the way to the teenage years.

The value of reward for good behavior cannot be overstated, IMO. And I'm not talking about giving them something (like a toy, etc.), simple words can be more of a reward than anything tangible.

This may sound odd, but as my wife and my kids are my witness, I have never once in my life raised my voice to my kids, threatened them, or punished them in any way. The truth is, I simply have not ever had to.