I had a frank talk about death with my mom.

[Oh Haha]

My mom has been through a lot in her 73 years.

Her mother passed when she was 3YO. She is the baby of 7 kids.

She had 6 kids, losing a twin to my oldest sister during birth.

My older brother was killed when he was 17YO.

She had a triple heart bypass about 20 years ago.

My little sister's first husband committed suicide about a year after they were married.

My dad passed away 8 years ago. They were married for 47 years at the time.


She has been sick off and on for the past 2 years with different maladies. She seems to bounce back each time but I believe that she is on borrowed time. Her heart is only working at 15-20% on good days and her kidneys are not working as they should. I spent yesterday with her and other family members just hanging out

. At one point, when we were alone, I asked her if she was afraid of dying. She told me "no, I am ready to go when the time comes and then I'll be with Danny(my brother) and Dad". It got a little emotional for a couple of minutes but then I felt a strange calm come over me. I'm ok with my mom leaving this world. I'll miss her but I know that she is ready.

We have her wishes for no rescuscitation in writing and her will is done.



The weird thing is that she is not in the hospital and will probably go back to her part time work next week.


Thanks for letting me share.

[wdfifteen]

You are smart (maybe lucky?) to have had this talk with your mother. I'm sure it was good for both of you.

[Laneco]

The thing about this forum, is that you never know what you'll read. Your post this morning reminds me that our time together in this world is definately limited. Your Mom's attitude toward her next journey is exactly what I hope that mine will be when my turn comes. Her attitude has dignity and hope.

Thank you for sharing this. Be at peace, Brother. You are always among friends here.

angela

[Chocaholic]

That conversation was a gift you'll remember forever. How many of us lost someone, either expectedly or not, and wished we have had that peace of mind....knowing that they do.

Thanks for sharing.

[sc_rufctr]

That's a touching story. I love my mum too and she's 74 this year.
I really don't want her to go just yet. My father died 17 years ago and I still think about him at times.

[HardDrive]

Thank you for sharing. I'm 42, and I have not lost a parent yet. I certainly think about it.

[DanielDudley]

I feel for those who haven't made peace with family members. It may be hard to be the one who puts out the hand of friendship, but it is much harder to wait and find there is no longer time.

I am more concerned about prolonged suffering of loved ones than seeing them through to the other side. Best wishes and warm thoughts.

[Evans, Marv]

You are lucky to have had a moment like that with your mom. Both my parents chose to ignore things like. You are both real people, and that is nice.

[Seahawk]

Angela captured everything I felt when I opened this thread. Peace indeed.

My Father is 82, we've discussed his way forward, what he wants. I hope to do the same when my time is nigh.

When my Mother was dying of cancer, her strength and calm was a tonic, an example to me of how to face the inevitable. My sister was there when she passed and has shared with me the beauty and the grace, the peace.

All blessings to your mother...although she seems to have an abundance, including you.

[vash]

i tried to talk to my stepdad. it was very obvious he is not coping well..

he would change the subject awkwardly..for example.."i want you and your brother to have all my shotguns"...all he is comfortable talking about is "stuff". no deep conversations about how he feels or how he wants to be buried (or cremated)..nothing.

the only thing that gave him comfort was knowing that i have my mom's back and my wife and i are willing to have her live with us. i'll need a bigger house tho.

i'll try the subject again, later.

[CarreraDan]

Guys please have this conversation with your families. Ask them what they want and please be specific with them and make sure the whole family knows. As a health care provider in the cardiac intensive care unit when we are pushing drugs, doing CPR, and inserting endotracheal tubes is not the time to wish you knew what your family member really wanted. Another sad situation is when one sibling is against everyone else for one reason or the other. Sadly I see these situations on at least a weekly if not daily basis.

Don't forget about about yourselves either, in today's world it is not too uncommon for 40 year olds to have severe cardiac disease--have actually had a few early 30 year olds pass through the unit.

[Oh Haha]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

After I posted this I had second thoughts about sharing but I'm glad I did.

I didn't even intend to bring the topic up to my mom. I saw her at the hospital earlier in the week when she was not doing so good.

She usually has a list of things for me to do at her house when I am there so I was doing one of the tasks when I believe I passed the picture of my dad when he was in the Army and I just kind of blurted the question out to her.

We live an hour away so I may not be there in the end. That's okay, though. I know we have said goodbye, so to speak.


On the drive home I told my wife of our talk. I don't think she understands when I said I was alright with my mom passing. I think it WOULD be hard to understand unless you were in my shoes.

[Baz]

Ironically I had a long overdue brief conversation with my Mom (who just turned 89 BTW) Friday night. I had stopped by to show here how to browse for Crocs (the shoes) on Crocs.com Before leaving we were sitting at the kitchen table and I asked her if she had any long-term health insurance as a way to get a glimpse into how she sees things playing out as she eventually loses her ability to drive and be independent. She said she and my step-dad [when he was still alive] had decided not to go that route but to plan on staying at home and having someone come by periodically to help out.

I didn't pursue anything further but at least we had a few minutes of conversation to at least bring the subject out in the open. We already have all her legal paperwork set up to manage who can make decisions on medical situations if need be. And her estate stuff, etc.

It's a tough subject but I agree - better figure out a plan and have some conversation before things get too far along. I really wanted to know what my Mom had planned.....no way was I going to give my opinion. She deserves that much....and more.

[Joeaksa]

Spend time with her and most important, get some video of the two of you. After she is not with us anymore, you will miss her and a video will really mean a lot. My parents passed before video was widely available and I missed it...

[crustychief]

Wayne, I think its great you had the opportunity to ask your mom that question. It sounds like she has been dealt a harsh hand in portions of her life, it is a good thing she is not afraid.
I remember when my dad passed a couple of years ago, it all seemed so fast. When I read your post it flashed me back to that day. I have no idea if my mom is afraid of dying, but I am afraid of her dying. Regards,
Sandy

[rnln]

73 and still can be able to work, even part time? As healthy as she is, she is, well, you guys are lucky.

Originally Posted by Oh Haha

My mom has been through a lot in her 73 years.

Her mother passed when she was 3YO. She is the baby of 7 kids.

She had 6 kids, losing a twin to my oldest sister during birth.

My older brother was killed when he was 17YO.

She had a triple heart bypass about 20 years ago.

My little sister's first husband committed suicide about a year after they were married.

My dad passed away 8 years ago. They were married for 47 years at the time.


She has been sick off and on for the past 2 years with different maladies. She seems to bounce back each time but I believe that she is on borrowed time. Her heart is only working at 15-20% on good days and her kidneys are not working as they should. I spent yesterday with her and other family members just hanging out

. At one point, when we were alone, I asked her if she was afraid of dying. She told me "no, I am ready to go when the time comes and then I'll be with Danny(my brother) and Dad". It got a little emotional for a couple of minutes but then I felt a strange calm come over me. I'm ok with my mom leaving this world. I'll miss her but I know that she is ready.

We have her wishes for no rescuscitation in writing and her will is done.



The weird thing is that she is not in the hospital and will probably go back to her part time work next week.


Thanks for letting me share.

[mixer911]

This is a great example why I love this forum
caring,all the best
When my mom past,it stuck me hard,the women which gave me life was gone.
Sam

[Rick V]

It is good for both of you. The subject is never easy but the after effects are very settling. Your mom sounds like a made of very strong fiber.
Like Dan said, make sure you know the wishes and location of the paperwork, it will save a lot of grief in the long run. Also make sure more then one person knows. My mom died on the way to the hospital. She was at home when she collapsed and Dad threw her into his squad car and was blue lights on and foot on the floor. When they got to the hospital the staff started to resuscitate my mom, but she never regained consciousness. She had a DNR that my dad ignored, and it fell on my sister and I to follow my moms wishes.
Since then Dad and I have talked and he understands his selfishness made it harder for the rest of us.

[darcher]

This is good! I'm glad you and your Mom are at peace. I remember when my Dad told me he was "tired of living in this body". He was not suicidal or depressed or anything like that, just tired of his hearing loss, vision loss (macular degeneration), and loss of strength and flexibility. He was at peace w/ his Maker and found peace at 94 in his sleep.

[JavaBrewer]

I wish I had that sort of relationship with my parents (80 and 77). Good for you.