What do you say??

[Instrument 41]

Just got a call that my brothers oldest daughter, 18, who has been experiencing some problems with sleeping and aspirating, had an MRI today. They found that the part of her brain that controls her breathing is shrinking. No cure 3 months to a year left. What do you say to comfort to help? He knows were sorry, wish we could do something to change the situation...etc. But is there something to say that can bring some hope? Is joking about other issues not related to his situation the right thing to do? Changing the subject, or does that come off as callous??
Any grief counselors here. Want to know what to say and what not to say.

[craigster59]

Man, my condolences. Just be there for them, that's the best we can offer.

[speeder]

That's a tough one and so sorry to hear. I always tell them that I wish I knew what to say, that I'd do anything to ease their suffering but probably the only thing I can do is be there for them and be a good listener.

I lost a buddy to brain cancer a couple weeks ago, his brother is a closer friend and I just tried to be a good listener through the awful process. Sometimes people just need to vent/get it out.

You and she will be in our thoughts and prayers here.

[Dantilla]

Nothing you can say will help.
Just be there. Say nothing that tries to comfort, as it will only go downhill. Just say you're sorry.

The only thing that may help is if she knows you are hurting too, because she is cared for, and loved.

[Hugo930]

We had a dog that we cared for deeply die a few years back, all of our friends expressed their sorrow...one set of friends baked us a plate of sticky buns with instructions on how to finish them, they were left by the front door for us to find when we came home from work. It was so silly but my wife and I ate them with coffee in the morning...I swear it was the sweetest thing that someone could have done for us.

I'm not comparing a dog to a human but sometimes just letting friends know that you're there is all that's needed, even better when done without words.

[stomachmonkey]

My condolences.

Be there, listen.

If it were my brothers kid I would ask what she would like to do/see/experience with the time she has left and how can we help her do/see/experience them.

You can all sit and wallow in pity waiting for the inevitable or you can make a lifetime of shared memories that make you smile when you think of them.

[Instrument 41]

I wish we had that luxury but she is not able to do much now.

[Laneco]

Offer nothing false. If there is no hope for this, don't offer it, don't suggest it. It will feel horrible to everyone - you'll want to stick your foot in your mouth afterward.

OK to ask about treatment management - how is she getting along, is there anything that makes her more comfortable or things that make her less comfortable? That could help you accidently making a situation worse (e.g. if pet dander is an issue - don't bring the dog over -etc).

If you are comfortable, see if there is something you can do for them so that they can spend time with her, or get a break from caregiving as things get more difficult. Anything - mow the lawn, walk the dog, change the oil in the car. Many hands make lighter the load, and will help the family cope.

As things worsen for the for your brother and the family, it's tempting to avoid them because it will make you uncomfortable. Dying is hard, watching someone die is harder and you will feel guilty that someone you love is shouldering this, that you cannot save his child, that you cannot absorb some of his pain so that he feels less of it... Completely natural, but if you check in or help them out once a week or so, keep up the schedule, even after she dies. I realize that you, like all of us, are busy, but God has away of making more time where none seems to exist, for those who make time for others.

My heart goes out to you, and to your brother, his child and all the family. Prayers for joy among the pain, and peace at the end.

angela

[dtw]

Devastating. Words fail. My deepest condolences to your whole family. Be there for your brother. We are here for you if you need us.

[crustychief]

I am very sorry to hear this, I couldn't even imagine the feelings you and your family are experiencing. You are in in my thoughts this evening.
Regards,
Sandy

[A930Rocket]

I'm at a loss for words, but hope by some miracle, she will get better.

[rsNINESOOPER]

Do whatever you can to make the last three months to a year of life as good as it can be. If she has a dream of going somewhere she has always wanted to go then make it happen etc. I wish her and your family the best

[oldE]

I don't know the level of care she requires, but you may be able to help your friends by 'taking a shift'. They are living in a kind of hell right now and everyone needs a chance to get away from it , even if only for a few minutes or hours. They might feel guilty for doing so, but they will need to.

Can their daughter read?, does she like to be read to? Something as simple as having another human around and not having to discuss the inevitable through losing oneself in a book could help.

My prayers and best wishes to the family.

Best
Les

[Rick V]

Originally Posted by dtw

Devastating. Words fail. My deepest condolences to your whole family. Be there for your brother. We are here for you if you need us.

Be a shoulder
Be an ear
Be aware that you will also need the same thing.

[wdfifteen]

What a heartbreaking situation. I have no advice to give. I do know that trying to make someone not hurt, not grieve, never seems to help. Grief is terrible to watch, but everyone has to experience it and "get it out of their system" so to speak. Maybe letting them know that they aren't grieving alone?
Is there anything you can do, any help you can give, that would allow them to spend more time with her in the next few months?

[Groesbeck Hurricane]

All I can do is offer my condolensces to her and your famliy. It will be a rough time, you will make it through, and you will feel the loss. I wish the very best for you! Celebrate the life you have had together!

[Superman]

One of my favorite Richard Brautigan passages:

"His eyes were wet wounded rugs.

Like some kind of strange vacuum cleaner I tried to console him. I recited the same old litanies that you say to people when you try to help their broken hearts, but words can’t help at all.

It’s just the sound of another human voice that makes the only difference. There’s nothing you’re ever going to say that’s going to make anybody happy when they’re feeling ****ty about losing somebody that they love."

[peppy]

So sorry to hear this, my prayers are with your family.

[sc_rufctr]

Just be there for her and when she speaks... Listen to her. Just say what you feel but be gentle. Her remaining time is very precious.

I'm sorry for her and your family.

[vash]

That is just awful.