what to tell my son about pushing back on a bully - Page 2

widebody911 · widebody911's Garage

widebody911 · widebody911's Garage

I had a similar experience in 8th grade, when I switched to a new school with a very different racial makeup than the white-bread country school I'd come from. The previous low man on the totem pole, a vato named Jessie Martinez (he even had his last name in that Gothic script across the back of his jacket) would torment me when we were lining up to go back into the building. I never said anything, never did anything, until one day I just snapped and smashed his face into the wall, three times, as hard as I could. We got dragged into the principal's office (a nun, this was a Catholic school) and she pretty much said to both of us "So, do you have things sorted out now?" After she sent him back to class, she said to me "What took you so long to stand up for yourself? Get back to class." The parental units never got wind of the incident.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

My advice to my son is to just walk away. And also that if he's going to mouth off and be funny, he should expect some kid to take exception.

I'm not sure I agree with the whole, "a bully only quits when he gets beat." Some yes, some no. otoh failure to engage and walking away will usually be effective. They are trying to get a rise out of someone. If they don't, eventually they give up. The only reason to respond with force is when you have no other alternative. Your mouth can get you into and out of most situations.

I have yet to have been in a fight or throw a punch in anger.

Oh Haha · 05-07-2012, 04:34 PM

I'm glad this topic came up.

While we haven't had any problems with my 8 YO son yet, it is bound to happen. He is small for his age, wears glasses, and leaves regular class for special help.

I was picked on as schoolkid(like many of us here, apparently) so I know how much it can affect your life.

A bully had been picking on me in 6th grade for a while until one day I had enough. I pulled back and punched him right in the face. The other kids told me later that my arm was almost touching the floor I had pulled back so far(doubtful but it sounded cool, I guess).

He didn't bug me after that. I felt bad after the adrenalin wore off, though. We didn't become best friends but did acknowledge each other in the halls.

He was severely burnt in a car crash(his parents and brother were killed) the next summer and never came back to regular school.

id10t · 05-07-2012, 04:36 PM

Not been an issue for us (thankfully - our boy is heads and shoulders above his classmates) but even with a "zero tolerance" policy I'd point to our states "stand your ground" laws. I have no tolerance for small narrow minded administrators...

MMARSH · MMARSH's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by nostatic

My advice to my son is to just walk away. And also that if he's going to mouth off and be funny, he should expect some kid to take exception.

I'm not sure I agree with the whole, "a bully only quits when he gets beat." Some yes, some no. otoh failure to engage and walking away will usually be effective. They are trying to get a rise out of someone. If they don't, eventually they give up. The only reason to respond with force is when you have no other alternative. Your mouth can get you into and out of most situations.

I have yet to have been in a fight or throw a punch in anger.

Sounds good, but what happens when the bully hits your kid in the back of the head as he's walking away for the tenth time. At a young age, I think most bully's are just looking for a victim. They really don't want a confrontation

strupgolf · 05-07-2012, 05:51 PM

Boy, this brings back memories. Tell your son to" Stand up, keep quiet, when all is said by the bully, take your arm way back, move it forward, and place it upton the face of the bully". If he is smaller, better yet, if bigger, oh well. Your son should not bow down to any bully no matter who they are. When in HS, he will be viewed by anyone who wants to fight, as someone who you don't want to mess with.

strupgolf · 05-07-2012, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nostatic

My advice to my son is to just walk away.

I have yet to have been in a fight or throw a punch in anger.

No way " just walk away". Stand up, fight, find out who you are.

rusnak · 05-07-2012, 05:59 PM

I got in a few fights as a kid. All were bullies doing something stupid. I got even. I think after that, the other kids knew that I would be willing to die or kill to get revenge. It comes from my ancestry I think. Anyway, never had a problem after the 2nd grade.

Racerbvd · Racerbvd's Garage

porwolf · 05-07-2012, 06:21 PM

Just a crazy idea? What about inviting the family of the class bullies to back yard barbeque?

rusnak · 05-07-2012, 06:24 PM

that would NOT BE COOL for the son. I'd fking piss in your shampoo bottle if you were my dad and did that to me.

stealthn · 05-07-2012, 06:25 PM

Interesting topic, I have two 9 year old boys and man school is different, the whole bully thing and all but that doesn't stop the playground tussles. The rule is they walk away if pursued not to initiate the fight but don't backdown. I am teaching them some moves so they can take down a bully with just some hand holds and ask for an apology (amazing what a thumb hold can do to a 250 pound man

)

They will be both going into martial arts to learn discipline and self control along with self defense.

I have two friends since high school that I got into fist fights with, over what who remembers, but once said and done we became buddies. Now a days you have to worry about weapons, no more man on man....best man wins

Interesting times

Bob James

pavulon · 05-07-2012, 06:26 PM

Don't look away (you'll get sucker punched), block or take one, deliver one on the nose followed by one on the larynx...lather, rinse, repeat until they fall down...then walk away while making sure none of their "buddies" jump you from behind.

drcoastline · 05-07-2012, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seahawk

I would tell the school officials that my son felt threatened and didn't have an opportunity to seek help. He did the best he could given the schools lack of oversight.

I would then ask them what they are going to do to prevent this from occurring again.

How is this your son's fault? That is the theme for your exchange with the "school".

Me? I'd get the bullies name and set up a meeting with his parents. That is the only way you are going to really know what you are dealing with.

I agree with Seahawk on this one. Put the school on the defensive. But I wouldnt approach the parents.

As for dealing with the bully. I too am small 5'-7" In high school I weighed 135. I found the bullies quickly backed down when you confronted them and put them on the spot. An ambush of sorts. The element of surprise. It worked best when the bully was surrounded by their friends and I would walk up and say right here right now. The bully usually made some excuse and walked away. They didnt know what to do when being confronted. They were alwyas the one putting the other person on the defensive and catching them off guard.

rusnak · 05-07-2012, 06:31 PM

Concussive blow to either side of the head takes em out.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by strupgolf

No way " just walk away". Stand up, fight, find out who you are.

Somebody with a fragile ego and an inability to diffuse confrontation?

Sometimes "being a man" means walking away. There are few things in life that are worth physical confrontation. I've gotten pretty far in life without ever throwing a punch. ymmv.

Rodsrsr · Rodsrsr's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by nostatic

Somebody with a fragile ego and an inability to diffuse confrontation?

Sometimes "being a man" means walking away. There are few things in life that are worth physical confrontation. I've gotten pretty far in life without ever throwing a punch. ymmv.

While I agree with the overall sentiment of this, there are times when one can not simply walk away, but when you can do so. Just make sure that your doing it on your terms and not out of fear. I know how to fight so I have nothing to prove and its easy to walk away, but it took me years of learning skills to get to that point. If you teach your kid to just walk away and have no backup plan, you may be teaching him to be a pu**y. Sorry.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

And if you teach your son to "stand up for himself" all the time, you may be teaching him to be a punk.

Advice from an early sifu of mine: avoid the confrontation, if you can, talk your way out of it, if that doesn't work, walk away, if that doesn't work, run away, if that doesn't work, end it quickly. For him, fighting was only to be used if your life was in danger. Not to just show that you weren't a pu**y.

The right answer is somewhere in between, but frankly I see much more of a tendency to guys who feel the need to "show what a man they are" by starting to swing instead of avoiding or diffusing the situation in the first place. And that gets passed to their kids, and the cycle continues...

rusnak · 05-07-2012, 07:37 PM

each situation is different. I don't think there is a single rule to follow, other than to not go looking for trouble. I knew that my Sensei beat up a bunch of young dudes who tried to mug him outside of the bank that he worked at. He didn't brag about it. Sometimes it's your turn to face bullies. I agree with not fighting unless it's a last resort, but sometimes that's all they let you do.