Did we screw up as parents? I value your opinions on this!

[2porscheguy]

So here is the issue:

We have a 16 year old son (an only child...wanted to have at least two but it wasn't in the cards biologically) who is a great kid, does well in school, has many friends and is very loyal to them, etc. About 8 months ago he confessed to us that he had smoked pot "a couple of times" with friends..."mom and dad, just letting you know". We sat down with him and decided to confess to him, in return, that at his age, yes, we "did it as well" but our parents were never told simply because back in the day it was much more frowned upon. In fact I didn't tell my dad until I was in my 30's, married, etc.....he had a shchits fit!!! ("You put our family in danger with your drugs!!! How could you do that in my house!!!")

Our discussion concluded with us, first of all, thanking him for being honest with us and secondly that if he did it on an occasional basis on weekends and not during school, with responsible friends, and didn't drive under the influence or be driven by someone under the influence that it would be "OK"....only MJ and nothing else!

Well, surprise, surprise...we've since discovered that he has been smoking up on , let's say, a regular basis! We confronted him and said that that was not what we had agreed upon. He apologized and promised to cut back.

We have, unfortunately, left the cat out of the bag at this point...

If it were you in this situation, would you simply ride out the storm and hope that it's simply a phase like it was back in our day or do you take more drastic measures?

I thought I'd pass it on you guys first before I discussed with friends and family here....my family is basically anti-drugs of any type so if I bring it up with them I'll get an earfull for sure!

Thanks in advance!

Alex

[Nostril Cheese]

I smoked pot for the first time WITH my dad. He figured it was a good learning experience. His deal with me was "as long as you get A's in school, I dont care what you do".

I grew out of the pot thing in my mid 20's. Just got tired of the whole low-energy vibe.

How much weed is he smoking? Is it drastically affecting his life?

Canadian bud is pretty hard to give up, I must say.

[stomachmonkey]

Well it's hard to go wrong being honest with our kids.

Not sure I would have given approval for occasional use.

Kids will take an inch and turn it into a mile.

You gave him permission so you should not be surprised.

How are his grades?

Where is he getting the money from?

Weed ain't as cheap as it used to be.

[kaisen]

Isn't it relatively legal in parts of Canada? What's the status in Calgary?

[944Larry]

Hell, we've all done in college. Nothing you can do about it, just instill the inportance of being responsible and hope for the best.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Originally Posted by 944Larry

Hell, we've all done in college. Nothing you can do about it, just instill the inportance of being responsible and hope for the best.

Not all of us.

Though now, much later, I kind of regret passing up the opportunity.

[Dantilla]

I've always been completely honest with my daughter- Never tried it. Not once.

She recently told me that nobody has ever even offered her to try it, because it's well known around her school that her answer would be a very emphatic "NO!"

She's a really good kid. ..............so far.

[nynor]

that genie is going to be hard to get back into the bottle. have you failed? i doubt it. keep talking. if you raise a productive member of society, i think you succeeded. i'd be a bit worried about where the money is coming from, etc., as mentioned above.

[Hard-Deck]

When we were young we didn't know/care; but we know now where drug money goes...
Explain to him...
Drug trafficing = 1/7 of the world economy.
2nd and 3rd effects of drug money goes toward:
-human trafficking
-child prostitution
-illegal gun running
-child pornography
-human slavery
-illegal border crossing
And then ask him what kind of citizen he wants to be...

[cstreit]

Originally Posted by Snapper33

When we were young we didn't know/care; but we know know, where drug money goes...
Explain to him... And then ask him what kind of citizen he wants to be...

He's 16. He can't see life beyond the end of his nose.



I'd suggest taking a harder stance. What he does as an adult when he's paying his own way is his business. What he does (morally right or wrong) in your house is your own. Your views on MJ aside, the chances for problems with both the authorities and less scrupulous people that associate themselves with the drug-subculture are quite high and have the potential for fracturing a promising young man.

I know it was okay for you, it was okay for many. but you also must have known people it caused huge issues for. For every adult I know that used and never had an issue, I know another who let it ultimately define their lives and are now suffering either legally, financially, or emotionally from it.

I'm not judging choices here, just suggesting that 16 is awfully young to be making adult choices like this. You are the adult and need to actively assist in making those adult choices untill such time as he can make them consistently on his own.

Again, don't take this as judgement, just my two cents as I've thought about how to handle this conversation with my own kids (younger) so I haven't actually been IN your situation yet.

[Heel n Toe]

The young, developing brain is an especially bad place to put pot... or any other mind-altering substance. Heard this in some recent medical segment on TV... but aside from that...

Psychosis
Teens who smoke pot at risk for later schizophrenia, psychosis - Harvard Health Publications

Cognitive Decline
Does Marijuana Use by Teens Really Cause a Drop in IQ? | Healthland | TIME.com

Lung Cancer
Marijuana and Lung Cancer - Does Smoking Marijuana Cause Lung Cancer

[Noah930]

Easy answer (for me): No. I would have no tolerance for "recreational" use. Maybe the laws in Canada are different, but in my neck of the woods, MJ is an illegal substance. So if your kid exhibits poor enough judgement to hide this type of drug usage from you, he also lacks sufficient judgement to think through and comprehend the negative consequences of use of pot.

What happens when he and his buddies smoke a little weed or take a couple hits off a bong and then decide to go for a drive somewhere? After all, they can handle it, right? They use it all the time with no problems. And then what happens when they get pulled over, or get pointed over in a sobriety checkpoint, or get hit from behind at a red light and the cops show? And then you've got to report that to the college you want to attend? Or you don't pass that random drug test at that great job you just got?

I think you screw up as a parent if you don't end this right now.

[Bill Douglas]

I don't thinks it's a case of the dope being a problem. It's the lifestyle and the losers that fall into the dopehead lifestyle. A lot of my high achiever buddies smoke dope, quite a lot of dope, but don't mix with the loser crowd. You certainly wouldn't pick them as smokers. So maybe judge what is going on by the friends he keeps.

[HardDrive]

Its a tough call for me.

I can see all sides of the issue.

What about the grades? Treat this practically. MJ is a leisure pursuit. Is he meeting his 'work' obligations? If the answer is no, the you need to take some (well thought out) action.

[look 171]

Smoking pot had nothing to do with grades. I don't care how good his grades are, no pot period. No drugs period. It is absolutely unacceptable. Where does it end? Something a little harder, then more and more? I took a few hits a couple of times in college, that was it. I was high on building my construction business and couldn't fcuk it up due to my putting too much effort into it. Yeah, I am a dork. That's my humble opinion. Good luck with your kid. Mine are still young, but it worries me sick thinking about it.

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by 2porscheguy

...before I discussed with friends and family here....my family is basically anti-drugs of any type so if I bring it up with them I'll get an earfull for sure!

I missed this part of your OP.

Unless you have compelling reasons to do so, I would not recommend bringing it up with your family, given everything you've told us here.

They would probably freak out... drama city... and you don't need or want that.

And if your son ever found out that you had discussed it with them, that would probably mess things up further.

If they freaked WAY out and contacted him directly, that would be even worse.

Forget I used the word "freak" here... I didn't mean it.

[aap1966]

1. Read up on the effect of pot on the immature brain.
2. Tell him just because you did something dumb, it makes it no less dumb. (You ever drive tired / tipsy / drunk? You going to tell him doing that is OK because you did it?)
3. Talk to him about production / distribution of cannabis & what it entails. Does he really want to be supporting what happens in the illegal drugs industry?
4. Tell him he's 16, time to make adult decisions, the excuse of "I'm a kid" is over.

High risks: cannabis and psychosis - The Drum - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

MMS: Error

http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1969-16127-001

Psychiatric effects of cannabis

[McLovin]

Yeah, you screwed up.

Your response to your 16 year old child's confession to smoking pot is to . . . .

Confess to your child that you did it yourself and that it's ok for him, a 16 year old child, to do it as long as he does it "responsibly."

And then you're "surprised" to find out that he's since become a pothead?

WTF is wrong with you? Are you really that dumb, or is this a joke?

[beepbeep]

Pot itself is relatively harmless, but in long term THC accumulating in brain fatty tissues isn't making him any favours. What is more alarming is relaxing the relations towards drugs. IMHO, that's dangerous as it might make it easier for him to test harder drugs. And that's the path you don't want him to take...

[Dottore]

I think you'll be just fine. The fact that you are talking about this is more important than his occasional use. I would take him aside though and explain emphatically some of the long term health risks, and that being a stoner is probably not a smart long term play.