Have you ever willingly lived with your in-laws?
 

Got a huge looming problem that's a matter of when, not if. Mrs. Lee wants to bring her folks from China here "for a visit" of undetermined length. I have suggested many times that we rent a minivan and drive around some nat. parks out west. I think three weeks is about right for both our jobs' vacation allowances/feasibility and my own sanity. She wants them to stay with us for several months, which I take to mean six months, the typical length for a US tourist visa. I work from home and Mrs. Lee works 10 min. away. Her folks are good people and I like them. But they speak no English, cannot drive here, probably would have no valid health insurance here, have little money and there's simply nothing for them to do here. Mrs. Lee says they can take walks. Well, outside the immediate HOA, the nearest sidewalk is about four miles away down a busy road I wouldn't even walk alongside. I'd end up babysitting them while trying to work, probably having to cook a few times a day for them and Mrs. Lee can't take more than 2-3 weeks off for most of 2013. We don't even have any Chinese tv channels. The nearest (tiny) Chinese community is 25 miles away in Tempe.

I did not sign up for living with my in-laws when I got married. And I certainly did not sign up for babysitting them every day for at least six mos. Mrs. Lee has to work and, when she'd be home, I'd be sharing her wth her folks and when she's at work, I'd be sharing my work day with her folks. Has anyone here ever had to deal with this? Is it a marriage wrecker? I would certainly plan a lot of business trips and a lengthy solo vacation in Europe or China during this period. But I can't escape for months on end.

Actually you did. You marry Chinese, you marry the whole family. That was a basic rule when I lived in Asia.

I'm sorry to say this, but I know a whole lot of caucasians who married Chinese women, and in a great many cases this business of "the Chinese family" eventually became a problem in the marriage.

I really hope this doesn't turn out to be a long term issue for you. But it was part of the package deal. Someone just probably forgot to tell you.

Beat me to it.... time to man up and deal with the in-laws, Mr. Lee. They are important to your wife. Its the least you can do.

I work from our home. Visitors for a day or two maximum and that is all. I cannot conduct my business, do conference calls, WEBEX, etc., with guests in the house. My office is basically the dining area off the kitchen - no doors. If it were a two story house and the office on the top story - that might work for a while.

The situation you are describing, Rick, would be a "no-go" for me. Sorry... :(

angela

Buy them mopeds and a map.

Ah, but we don't live in Asia. She chose to emmigrate to the US and chose to marry an American. Her folks are not elderly, infirmed, desititute or politically persecuted. This is not a health or financial necessity.

No matter what I do or how well I weather this storm, it's going to end badly because I know her folks will be unhappy here, at least her father will be. They simply cannot function here in any capacity. It has nothing to do with me or my attitude toward the whole thing. I'm trying to prevent a bad thing before it happens.

For those of you who have spent time in China, Mrs. Lee's dad is about as textbook a Chinese man as you'll ever see - always wears black, carries a tea thermos (every public bldg. and business in China has free hot water for refilling these), chain smokes and plays Mahjong all night with his buddies. He can only eat soup or gelatinous food because his teeth look like baked beans. His lifestyle is not remotely possible anywhere in AZ and would be barely feasible in parts of LA, SF, NYC, Vancouver or NoVA. He and Mrs. Lee's mother are basically roommates and have separate bedrooms. I'm sure he'll have had enough of the US after a week or two and will head back to China, never to want to return to the US. Mrs. Lee's mother, OTOH, is interested in staying here, though she's no more able to function here than her husband.

Last time she came, we lived in NoVA, which is about as easy for Chinese to function as is Vancouver. AZ is going to be very, very different and more difficult for her. She took a job cleaning houses in Fairfax for some Chinese families, just to keep busy. That is not possible here, which means she's stuck in the house all day while I work.

Just from your message above I see big trouble Rick, and I think you do too. Sounds like you need to set some ground rules regarding the duration of stay ASAP. It's your house and your marriage, don't be a spectator.

I made the mistake of letting a sister-in-law live with us, she was struggling while away at college and the plan (in theory) was that she temporarily live with us until she got acclimated in a new town and at a new school. Three years later I had to tell her that we were moving, and that there was no way in hell she was coming with us. Fast forward to last year and I got a similar request from the wife regarding a different little sister, this time my answer was a resounding no. It put me in hot water for a few days but such is life, it was absolutely the right decision.

Sub'd.

I did, but it was quite different that your scenario.
When I was married, we moved into my in-laws while our house was being built. That took about 9 months. FIL worked 2pm-11pm so we rarely saw him and MIL did not work. Wife worked about 30 hours and I worked as much as I could. It wasn't too crazy but the day we got the keys to the new place, we slept on the floor and began moving in the next day. We always got along just fine and never had any real tension. It was just a space thing. We couldn't wait to get out.

Your situ is much, much different. I hope things go well, but I bet it's going to be "uphill".

Does Mrs. Lee has a sister or brother that speaks English that could be there as well? Maybe adding another fam member at the same time could facilitate your escapes. It would be horrible if something went wrong while you're at the gym or on a business trip and they had to call 911. What if yours or your neighbor's house caught on fire?

As whacky as it sounds, maybe arrange LOTS of time with another Chinese family ( Tempe ) in the area so they can at least talk to someone other than Mrs. Lee.

I know YOU wouldn't mind being in a country for 6 months where YOU didn't speak the language, but they're not you.

well rick ya did marry the family. oh well thats life. no big deal as there is quite the chinese community in BAJA!


like chinese/messikan restaurants all over the place.


and you ask me WTF? is oddjob talking about?


well once upon a time in a land(baja) not so far far away was this prick yankee ship captain. shanghied a bunch of chinese from china, then hit san fran and grabbed some more. the gig was back then was the RAILROADS needed mucho labor. and back then the quickest route was up the sea of cortez, into the colorado on paddlewheeler steamboats and drop them off as needed.


well this prick cap'n was just north of present day san felipe,baja norte. he decided in his prick manner to tell all the chinese that LOS ANGELES was just over the hill on the western horizon. since the chinese didnt have a clue, they decided "OK"!


so the prick cap'n let them off, it was summer and a millyon degrees F out and they ALL PERISHED as in DEAD! NO AQUA!



and that place where they died just north of san felipe is known as "EL CHINERO".


as more and more manpower needed, more ships came, and the chinese jumped off the ships and settled in ................MEXICALI! and there are scads of chinese descendents there.


so since DA BAJA is so mucho bueno, and you have a PUTT PUTT moto-sickle, you could drop them off in mexicali and GO EXPLORE DA BAJA!



see how i solved that for ya. now ya might want to purchase a nice XR 350-400-650 with big azzd desert tank to explore more. and then...............you will be so HOOKED ON BAJA..............that YOU WILL BY A TROPHY TRUCK AND RACE IT!



all because ya dumped yer in laws off in MEXICALI!



and because THIS IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO YER PROBLEMO!



i am leaving monyana at o-dark-thirty for DA BAJA! just think of shrimp egg foo young tacos. or peking duck tacos.



this is a TOTAL NO BRAINER FOR YA!

At least you have the equipment to shoot yourself with, which is what I would do.

Matt, at least your SIL was able to communicate and function. My in-laws cannot do that. My FIL cannot walk down to the gas station to buy a pack of smokes.

Angela, I have the exact same set up. I have a pub-size dining room table and stand up all day at my computer with the tv on in the living room. I turn it off when I have a lot of phone work or web conferences. I have a nice office in another part of the house, but the desk is built into the wall and I can't make a standing desk out of it without having to stare at a wall all the time. So I don't use that room much. Even if I did, what are my in-laws going to do? Sit out by the pool, smoke and drink tea all day? Hell, the nearest real Chinese restaurant is 25 miles away and the ONLY Asian grocery store is right nextdoor to it. I don't think the in-laws are going to do well, shopping at Albertson's and Fry's for basic Chinese staples.

Comedy gold.:cool:

Surely, you jest. No Mainland Chinese person in their early 30's has any siblings.

wrong ! j.chen is at tatum and cave creek. sesame inn is at carefree hwy and scottsdale rd. and china joy is next to bashas grocery in carefree.


after that.........................BAJA IS THE FINAL SOLUTION! trust me on this. ya always wanted a TROPHY TRUCK SPONSORED BY A CHINESE RESTAURANT!

Rick, It sounds like you have written off the whole experience. Surely there must be a pony in there somewhere! (And I won't call you surely again.)

No, I said real Chinese food, the kind of places that have never heard of giving you fortune cookies with your check. What you mentioned are glorified Panda Express clones.

Seriously. +1 you totally signed up for this.

My MIL comes to stay with us for extended periods of time throughout the year (She lives in Tucson). I love her dearly but when she's here I lose my office. That's not terrible - It's good to get out of the home office and into the real office like that. Plus, she cooks and cleans and takes care of the boys when she's here. If I had a bigger house I would totally have her move in. It would have to be a much bigger house though. =-)

Yes, she was excellent at sleeping in, planting her ass on my couch, eating my food, not cleaning up after herself, working just enough to go out at night, and taking just enough college classes to keep her parents from cutting her off financially. All while I put in 18+ hour days working full-time as well as taking a full schedule of engineering classes. Not that I'm bitter or anything.:cool:

My only point was that it's a bad situation, and you should be the bad guy now vs being miserable for the next six months. The period of time that the mooch lived with us was very difficult on our marriage, fighting for a few days is much easier to survive than fighting for the next six months.

Get a short term run on a Regus office so that you are not working out of the house while they are around. For the rest, man up and let your wife's family visit.

I have both lived with my parents (I was house hunting in upstate New York) and had them live with us (They were house hunting in Texas). I plan to have my parents move in or create an extended household as they get older. We don't have kids so I'm going to take care of my parents.

If my wife's father and/or sister wanted to move here and live, well, I have 3 unused bedrooms upstairs.

No, I'm not. And don't call me Shirley.

Any type of fam at all? Hell, maybe even a parrot? Ok, that last part was a jest.

Figuring this extended visit is probably a pre-cursor to an attempt to bring the folks here permanently (legally impossible with Mrs. Lee's green card), I suggested we consider moving to Las Vegas. It's the same climate as AZ, cheaper real estate, no state income tax, closer to LA and with a large Chinese community. Mrs. Lee immediately shut that down, saying they're all Cantonese. See what I have to work with here?

well they are chinese people that own them!



theres PEKING PALACE at scottsdale rd and pinnicle peak nw corner by jalapenos messikan food also.,and their chinese.


i think ya should start loading up the beemer, slap it on a trailer, haul all of them to mexicali and rip down to san felipe(BFG/GEISER PITS) and join us for DA BAJA 1000!


and shrimp tacos by the BOATLOAD!



when they ask you "where are ya going?" do yer best "BRONSON" imitation and tell them.............."WHEREVER I END UP!" (sound of moto sickle firing up in background). just consider it an extended 6 month ROADTRIP! or tell them "i am going to try and FIND MYSELF!"(sound of beemer firing up and fading away in background)!

An even better solution, which Mrs. Lee also discounts, is to have her folks move to Vancouver, where her father's super rich sister's family has a vacant house. That family bounces around between their various houses and is now in Shanghai for the next few years. So that'd be a perfect situation, though still a good half day's travel away from us. Or they could move to Monterey Park, CA, which is an easy drive for us and a real Chinese community. But then it's pretty expensive there.

Oh, I can find a way to deal with a visit. But it's not going to end well. I don't even mind being the bad guy. But I can't stop it from happening. If I were to tell my own folks their coming to stay with us for six mos. would cause problems for my marriage, they'd refuse to come. Mrs. Lee will probably not tell her mom any of this and so they'll find out once they get here and quickly run out of things to do.

or you could call the state dept. and tell them that yer IN-LAWS ARE CHINESE SPYS(SPIES) and then they would be denied entry.


see what did that take? 7 minutes to solve ALL YER PROBLEMOS!

If you allow in-laws to get too close to your marriage, it will fail. Ask me how I know (this is 90% of the reason I'm in divorce proceedings right now). Eventually they will feel the need to meddle, eventually your spouse will have to choose between "her" family and "your" family and don't expect her to choose the latter.

This is a really bad, bad, bad idea - I don't care what cultures, traditions or beliefs are involved. It's just a really bad idea. Best of luck whatever you decide. If your in-laws are going to be in a position to directly influence your marriage, make sure your affairs are all in order and you've got enough money tucked away for a legal retainer. That's all I'll say.

This may be the first time OJU is actually making sense...

My mom sort of suggested I could limit their stay here by dropping a dime on them from the corner gas station. But I would not do anything to sabotage my marriage. If she chooses them over me, I'll go. The only thing we own together is this house and I have another house in VA of similar value and equity position she's never paid a dime toward. No kids. There was a $400 difference between our W2s last year. So if it came to the very worst, I think we'd both be able to go our separate ways with only the emotional scars, but with finances largely intact. And then she'd be working just to support herself and her folks. I guess her folks being here will put a dent in her compulsive shopping habit. So that's a good thing.

Get a RV and go park in OJUs yard for the duration of your in-laws visit...

See? Everyone happy!


BTW - Know the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted...

when the GOING GETS TOUGH....................THE TOUGH GIT WEIRD AND GO FEEKING RACING! BUY THE TICKET TAKE THE RIDE!


man you think ya got it tough????



try dealing with a PRICK HOA here where i werk. about 1 RCH(figure it out) from me hauling off and KEEL HAULING THEIR WORTHLESS AZZ'Z!

boss when he was in last week reamed them for "CONTINUED STOOPID AIRCRAFT SAFETY VIOLATIONS"(not our screw ups) and since i am here all the time the crap lands on me.


i flat told my boss its either BAJA for a week or i quit or some such crap. and he AGREED!



so yeah man, give her a dose of what its gonna be like when the in laws show up. aka YER GONE!



so fill up the tank on the beemer, grab some spares, grab some cash and meet ya at the BFG/GEISER PIT just west of tres pozos north of san felipe baja norte. just take I-8 to calexico, get insurance,blast thru mexicali(dont forget to stop at chinese/mexican restaurante), and point that damn beemer south, whick it to about 120MPH and hit CRUISE and ya will be there in no damn time at all. if i left safeway at tatum and cave creek rds at 8AM, i would be sitting on the beach at petes campo by about 230PM slamming coronas/lighting off skyrockets and eating shrimp tacos until i PUKE!


i'll buy ya a bottle of the finest TE-KILL-YA................you can lie down on my truck bed and tell me and my amigo all yer problemo's. we will listen for about 5 minutes, and then commence to throw empty beer cans at you and WATCH FULL RACE WINGED GAWD DAMNITS GO SCREAMING BY! and tell ya YER NUTZ!


and then you will meet a HOTTIE MEXICAN TECATE GIRL, marry her, and then have HER ENTIRE FAMILY MOVE IN!



see how that works? its a freeking VICIOUS CYCLE!

i gotz the ROOM! as long as you run for chinese takee out qwickee wow chow!

^^^This, or this...

OJ lives close enough to me that they'd face the exact same problems there. Maybe I can be the one to live in an RV in his yard. At least he and I can drink beer and clean our guns together.

Since it seems the parents of Mrs. Lee are inbound, how to make the best of it:

Red Beards suggestion of a remote rental office is a good one.

Sat TV with Chinese Programming:

International Programming from DISH Network Satellite TV

Markets:

http://www.azcentral.com/ent/dining/articles/0113chinesemarkets.html

Online Chinese content:

Where can i find chinese movies online sites? - Yahoo! Answers

Bus Service (Yes they can, Mrs. Lee):

Providing Public Transportation Alternatives for the Greater Phoenix Metro Area | Valley Metro |

They Could Volunteer to Talk with ASU students to sharpen language skills. Don't laugh. My son is taking Japanese at VMI and we found a nice lady in DC who speaks almost no English yet tutors Japanese.

ASU Chinese Language Flagship Partner Program | ASU Chinese Language Flagship

StarTalk 2012 Chinese Language Camp

Send them on a little trip:

Tour West America - Arizona's Tour and Charter Bus Service

NEITHER.....................HOP ON BEEMER EXPLORE BAJA FOR 6 MONTHS! then come home with the tecate girl and her familia.


then buy TROPHY TRUCK and GO BACK TO BAJA!

No. Hell no.

gaggahh....snorkkkk...gasp! The coffee IT BURNS WHEN IT COMES FROM ITS NOSE! and time for another keyboard - thanks Paul -LOL! :D

angela

My wife's parents would do that to us.

My parents wouldn't do that to us.

I wouldn't do it to my kids.

Part of the reason my parents worked so hard is so they'd never be a burden to their kids (and our families), and it's a big part of the reason I've worked so hard. If I need someone to wipe the drool off my chin in my old age, it'll be someone that I pay to do it, not my kids and their families.

¡Es una gran idea!

well HELL YEAH! see once agin all yer problemos solved.


this freeking place is freeking amazing aint it?



butt back to BAJA!


tech inspection all day monyana(WED) in ensenada.



race starts THURSDAY in ensenada. bikes leave at 530AM. TROPHY TRUCKS LEAVE @ 1130AM.


45hours to get their azz'z to lapaz. race officially ends 1030AM saturday.



for reaL TIME GPS/BLACK BOX TRACKING go to bajaracinglive and racedezert.com



POINT TO POINT BABY. only done every 5 years due to LOGISTIC NIGHTMARE!


26" of RAIN FELL ON BAJA SUR from hurrykane pablo.


the finisher % will be very very very LOW this year. only the STRONG/SMART/SNEAKY SURVIVE!


323 entries in all classes so far last i heard.

my inlaws stayed with us for a 4 month stretch...and yea i definitely felt bad cause we both worked and they were at home by themselves pretty much all day.

chinese satellite service is really cheap. i gotta find the number for you..but it's only a little satellite dish and it's like $10-20 a month for like 4 or 5 channels.

hey...u can complain about alot of things...but u'll have mom cooked dinners for 6 months :)


working from home is going to be tough..especially if you don't want to be chatting with them all day.

hook em up with a laptop and get em on pptv or one of the other chinese sites with tv shows.