Letters to Santa

[pwd72s]

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the

elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box

360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember

that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones



* * *



Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all

the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want

you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring

you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus



* * *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I

might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me

what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous

season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my

weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones



* * *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind

you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee

of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is

your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer

ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than

happy to take you on in open court.

Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health,

but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a

complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus



* * *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to

be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.

Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're

gonna be waiting for your fat bottom and I'm taking my game console, my

game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone



* * *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously, you think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees

you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius?

You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your ****

wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if

I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over

the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for,

but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your bottom and

then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy



* * *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

[genrex]

Dear Santa