Pelican Parts Forums - Guide to Eskimo Rolling. . .by Sam

From a school assignment in my son's HS AP literature class (hope he doesn't get mad that I shared it here). Read the first few sentences and I'll bet you're hooked:

Guide to Eskimo Rolling

Behold and despair! The immense and accursed tome that sits before you contains knowledge of the long forbidden and primeval art of Eskimo rolling. Few men are granted the blessing (or curse) of what little knowledge that remains of this damnable art. Much suffering and sacrifice was undertaken on behalf of the author to produce said knowledge. Heed my warning; close this book now if you are feeble minded, weak of soul, and impure of heart. Only a lifetime of pain and suffering will come from delving into this volume. However, if you are foolish enough, or dare I say, courageous enough, pure of heart, possessing strength of a demigod, have an indissoluble will, and the wit of the wiliest fox, you might just master this arcane talent, and utilize it to make yourself a legend amongst men. But again, be warned. The slightest mistake, no matter how miniscule, will leave you a miserably broken man.

Much pain, suffering, and sacrifice goes into Eskimo rolling. Much of your highly improbable success will come from the procurement of the proper materials. However, ordinary Eskimo or Eskimo rolling equipment will do. Much of the materials have to be acquired by unworldly, immoral, and often times unholy means. In this book I have regrettably written, in excruciating detail, the many methods and places one may happen upon these materials. These locations that proper equipment can be procured include the caustic wastes of the Valhallan death fields, the acidic and treacherous fathoms of the Cruciatus Sea, and the maddening illogical gaze of the Eye of Dread. The Eskimos necessary cannot be any ordinary Eskimo. No. Only the Eskimo of the Angorian death worlds will suffice, preferably the death world of Armageddon V.

Details necessary on the extraction from these incomprehensibly abominable locations are also enclosed. Again, you must be the purest of heart, mind, and body to return uncorrupted from the practice you must undertake. The practice of carving a proper Esko-roller may leave you with hallucinations and nightmares for the rest of your natural (in some cases unnatural) life. One of my close colleagues was rendered to nothing more than a babbling shell of a man after under taking manufacture of one of the artifacts necessary.

In addition to the proper manufacture and procurement of the necessary materials essential to Eskimo rolling, included within are detailed instructions on the practice of the damnable art itself. Providing you have not died an excruciatingly slow and painful death at this point in the book, or worse, there are several unholy diagrams of how to roll an Eskimo properly. It is advised to practice this in complete and utter isolation. For in the past, Eskimo rolling has turned forests to inhospitable desert, oceans to pools of liquid suffering, and has condemned entire species to extinction.

A final word of warning: You are about undertake in one of the blackest, blasphemous, and most evil arts ever devised by sentient beings. Few gain anything meaningful, and most bring pain to themselves and all they know. Every one thousand years or so, a hero comes along who believes themselves courageous enough to undertake this quest. If you have the audacity to believe you are this person, prepare for the utmost anguish beyond imagination, at the end however, if you remain alive and uncorrupted, you will be forever known as legend.

-Sam