Engineer Jokes
 

My wife is doing a retirement"celebrity roast" for a man who has worked as a petroleum engineer/ nuclear engineer for 36 years and she needs some jokes. I am faithful ya'll will come though.

Question- he rides Triumph motorcycles, these are oil leak prone, yes?

Thanks in advance.

an engineer would have done a search and found the pre-existing thread on this -- just sayin' ::::::::::::: :D

Want me to come do stand up? I make fun of engineers all day long :D

I am not an engineer but you knew that because I did not do a search for the pre- existing thread.

Who knew there was a thread dedicated to engineer jokes?

Plenty of oil leak jokes you can do on the Triumph.

My favorite engineering joke is the one with the bicycle:

Copied the above from here which has some more classics: Engineers Jokes at WorkJoke.com - Profession Jokes

G

Well, it depends. We need specs and pics of the bike.

And the blonde...

How do you know you're speaking with an extroverted engineer?

They're looking down at your shoes.

What do engineers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

i tell my wife that her hair is nice and parallel all the time! she loves that joke. you can work that in somewhere no?

Am I the only guy here who has dated female engineers?

Speaking of female engineers, I went to an engineering school.
There were tons of women, but not very many.

nope..Clara. saucy hispanic woman. crazy as a loon. my brother was about to arrest her for putting a frying pan into the face of the "guy after me"..they recognized each other and he just drove her to her mom's place. BF wasnt pressing charges anyways. that could have been me!! i was really after her friend "Dana". another engineering cutie. had that cindy crawford mole thing going..

UTEP had lots of women engineers. my study partner "victoria" smoking hot chinese girl.

victoria's hair was nice and parallel too!!

I went to engineering school and I work with engineers, most of the female engineers wouldn't date guys.

(scored a Chem Eng/Materials PhD wife, geek Hi-Five!) The girls say: "the odds are good but the goods..."

We are laughing out loud at these, good stuff. Parallel hair vash, really?

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are being put to death during the French revolution. The doctor is first in line. The executioner asks if he wants to be head up or head down? He thinks for a minute and says "Head up. I always face my adversity."

They load him into the guillotine. The executioner releases the blade. It falls, but come to a sudden stop, just above his neck.

Thinking this is some sort of divine intervention, they release him.

Next is the lawyer. They ask the same question and he immediately say head up. Again he is loaded, the blade released and again it stops inches above his neck. "I declare that based on the precedent set by the doctor, I must be released!". And so they do.

Finally, they come to the engineer and again ask how he would like to be positioned. "Well, it worked for the other fellows, I'll be head up as well." They start to load him into the guillotine. The engineer looks up and points: "Hey, I think I see your problem!"

My first wife was an engineer. She was crazy. I dated an engineer about 10 years ago, and she was crazy. And then there was the engineer in San Diego, also a bit crazy. Hmmmmmm

An optimist thinks the glass is half full. The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. The engineer thinks that the glass is the wrong size.

This one is sort of inside baseball: Mechanical Engineers build weapon systems. Civil Engineers build targets.

I like the inside baseball stuff, the crowd will consist of about 30 coworkers. I have already lifted the tag line in your signature.

My assignment for the night is to rewrite the first stanza of Hotel California to fit a golf theme. Show biz, ;)

This is a great joke!

30 minutes and this is what I got.

sing to Hotel California.

On a tight windy fairway
cool wind in my hair
warm smell of fresh grass rising up through the air
up ahead in the distance, I saw a flickering flag
my club grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I stopped to search in my bag
Golden Bear in the clubhouse
could be hogan as well
and I'm thinking to myself
this could be heaven or this could be hell
then he held up a clubface and he showed me the way
there were voices by the putting green
I though I heard them say

(refrain)
Welcome to the golf course call Augusta
Such a lovely place, such a lovely place
Can I score an ace
Plenty of room at the golf course called Augusta
Only once a year
you can find it here.

... The Physicists thinks the glass is full - half water, half air.

G

Rofl, so much truth to that.

Engineer Jokes
 

Read
The Dilbert Principle

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

After a short pause ...

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Q: What does an engineer's wife do with her ********* in the morning?
A: She gives him his lunch and sends him off to work.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were taken hostage and locked in a windowless room with a beautiful woman in the center. Their captors put each of the three men in one of the corners of the triangular room. They then told the men that they could take turns approaching the beautiful woman but they could only go half the distance to her each time.

The engineer then started to walk towards the woman. The mathematician, despairing for himself and puzzled at the naiive engineer said "Why are you walking? You will never reach her. The physicist said "Yes, it will take an eternity to get to her."

The engineer said "That is true, but in about 6 steps and 30 seconds I will be close enough."

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are out having a few beers at a strip joint. As they observe a beautiful young woman, they marvel at god's design.

Mech E: God must be a Mechanical Engineer. Look at the joints on her limbs, the tubes and fluids that flow through her body.

Elec E: Nah! God's an Electrical Engineer. Think of all of the nerves, wiring and organic computer of a brain!

Civil: You're both way off. God is definitely a Civil Engineer. See here (pointing at her nether regions). Who else would put the sewer so close to the playground?

That is my wife's favorite engineer joke and yes I am an engineer. Her version adds the ending phrase in blue. The reason stereotypes exist is that there is at least some truth to the statistics. If we could all learn to laugh at ourselves sometimes, the world would be a better place.

We actually know one of those brilliant types that never had to study and always blew the curves for the classes he attended. He once made a 98 on a test instead of 100 one time because he forgot to write his name on the paper.

The glass is not half full. I just placed half my beer in a redundant glass. Or the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Or the glass is full with a safety factor of 2.0.

The one everybody has probably already heard, but just in case...
__________
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information.

"The man below says, "You must be a planner."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, and you have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

I am an engineer and work with a bunch of them, that joke is always a favorite. Engineers typically have a good sense of humor............once you get them to talk.:p

Telling jokes to engineers can be frustrating because you have to explain it to them after you tell them the punch line.

I find engineers have a sense of humour with a delightful sense of irony.

Doing tours of the only tidal power generating plant in North America, I meet many engineers. Often their wife will advise me "My husband is an engineer".
Sometimes my mouth runs away with me and I say something like, "I wouldn't have known. His shoes are tied!"

In a way, we are all just big boys, playing with big toys.

Best
Les

I want a bulldozer SmileWavy

You could visit Dig This in Nevada. and play with a D5G or you could do what my neighbour does. He collects heavy equipment. If I'm not mistaken, he has two D8s, a couple of John Deere dozers and an old McCormick, as well as four or five backhoes.

He used to have a small contracting business and maintained his own gear. By the time he retired, he had lots of stuff to play with. He is a great guy to know when you need a hole!

The reason engineers aren't comfortable around women is they have insufficient data to make a decision. That's the way for all men, but the rest of us just 'wing it'!

Best
Les

Q: How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1365606479.jpg