Should be in "Real Men" thread

[wdfifteen]

A little background: My friend's daughter has twin 6 yo sons. The boy's father and her ex husband is a POS Dirt Bag Father. One boy has cancer. The first thing POS DBF said when he learned his son had cancer was, "I'm not selling my bike." The family has fallen on hard times and mom and the boys live with grandma (my friend).
I was visiting last night and POS DBF came over and announced that he was suing to have his child support payments lowered because their expenses are lower now that they live with grandma. I kept my mouth shut until he said something about wanting to teach his boy how to be a man. I knew I should keep a low profile but I couldn't help myself. At that point I said, "What would you know about being a man?"

I told him that a man's highest calling is caring for his children. Pointed out that he was such a failure as a man that his own sons had to turn to charity of have a roof over their heads. And now that they were successful and finding someone else to cover for his failings, here he is, making BS excuses to be even less of a man for his sons. I pointed out that real men do not subscribe to the ghetto definition of fatherhood where you breed sons and leave it to someone else to raise them. I may have said something about him being a whiney beoch who would rather drink beer and play with motorcycles than be a man to his sons too, which I regret no matter how true it is. He left in a huff and the mom and grandmother are not happy with me disrespecting the useless POS. From my point of view, I was the only one in the house who knows what being a man is about.

[911SauCy]

Nobody likes when the truth is spoken.

Especially about POS DBs...

Nice work !

[VINMAN]

Good job Pat!

[scottmandue]

Kudo's to you for standing up and saying the right thing.

We can postulate all day on the Internet about "what is wrong with society"...

But this is it in a nutshell.

Not to be rude but not just the POS "father" (I use the term loosely) but the mother obviously made a bad choice in partner (drawn to the cool factor of a bad boy boyfriend)...

[GWN7]

Well said. Your friends might not have liked what you said but they were thinking the same thing.

[bivenator]

Not only is he a POS DBF, he is also wrong in thinking that the child support will be lowered because of a change in the child's living arrangements. 20% is 20%, standard for child support and am not aware it can be lowered.

[Z-man]

I don't care how bitter a divorce someone goes through, or how much bickering happens between a divorced couple. Not my problem. BUT...

when you take out your bitterness and anger on the innocent children -- that is the lowest low.

I never understood why people do that.

-Z

[kaisen]

Good for you for speaking up

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by bivenator

Not only is he a POS DBF, he is also wrong in thinking that the child support will be lowered because of a change in the child's living arrangements. 20% is 20%, standard for child support and am not aware it can be lowered.

Each state is different. I'm not sure exactly what the formula is here in Ohio, but both parent's assets, incomes, and living expenses figure into the child support each parent is supposed to provide. The POS DBF has already gotten caught buying a motorcycle and titling it in his mother's name so it didn't show up as an asset while claiming the payments as one of his living expenses.

[Tobra]

Patrick, you are the bomb.(that is what the kids say)

I say this with the assumption that the children were not there to hear it, because I am absolutely certain you would not do that to the kids.

[bivenator]

Yes, laws vary from state to state. After my divorce my ex and daughter lived with her parents. Father in law a surgeon and MIL was RN. They lived in a multi million dollar home while I paid them 20% and scraped by in a low rent apartment.

[Rikao4]

well done....

at least somebody stood up for the kids..
Mom & Granni seem to be lost...
disrespecting him..too funny..
Mom deserves the loser..

the kids don't...

Rika

[vash]

good luck to all parties

[gacook]

Originally Posted by kaisen

I pay out 44% of my gross income in child support

I also pay out ~38% of my gross income in federal/state income taxes, SS, etc

I'm left with ~18% of what I make to pay for a roof over my head and food on the table when my children are here (45% of the time)

I guess that's what it takes to be a man

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat, but I only pay about 33% of my gross towards child support. It could be less, but my ex chooses not to have a job. So, her lack of income is my problem (Arizona has an algorith that takes into account what I make vs. what she makes, plus some other factors). On top of that 33%, I pay for their medical insurance (which I'm 100% cool with--they're my kids and they need to be insured), and I pay 50% of any other expenses they have (doctor visit copays, sports, girl scout activities, etc.).

I hate child support laws; they're stupid. I think instead of the money going to whichever parent is receiving the payments, it should go into an expense account of sorts. If the kid(s) need something (food, clothes, a certain % of parent's rent/mortgage, anything really), the parent can dip into that account and use the money. BUT they should not be able to use the money for anything that is not for the children. The way I see it, the money I'm sending to my ex could be money that I'd be sticking away into college accounts. She's since remarried and her new husband makes almost as much as I do, so she's not hurting for cash. But does she have college accounts set up for the kids? Of course not. It frustrates the hell out of me, and I've broached the subject with her numerous times, but she's just horrible with money and with future planning.

The old saying is certainly true: It's cheaper to keer her. I just wish I could at least claim some of the child support on my taxes.


And to the OP; good job calling out the deadbeat. Deadbeat dads are a prime reason why divorce and child support laws are the way they are; unfortunately, it also screws us decent fathers.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by gacook

Deadbeat dads are a prime reason why divorce and child support laws are the way they are; unfortunately, it also screws us decent fathers.

I was never on the paying side, but I've seen it from the other side. My stepson's father was around to take my SS to buy school clothes and toys, but never had the money for child support. So SS grew up thinking his dad was Santa and his mother and I were grouches for worrying about the gas bill and grocery money all the time. It was difficult at the time, but in retrospect, I had the privilege of spending time with him, teaching him how to drive, how to tie a tie and put on a suit, and how to worry about money. I'm a little bit jaded in that I can look back and see what a gift it was to be able to raise that boy. I don't know what else I could have spent the money on that would be worth that.

[Laneco]

There is a big difference between a Father and a sperm donor. This POS DBF is nothing more than a POS sperm donor.

Good on ya for speaking up. Wish you, the mother and the boys all the best. Hope that one day their life is graced with a man who is a FATHER.

angela (red-headed step child - raised by a REAL man)

[Evans, Marv]

Copngrats on letting the worthless idiot know a little truth for a change. The reaction of the Ex and the mother might hellp explain his attitude. Bet his family did the same when he was growing up. It's unfortunate prople like him are allowed to become and remain so uncarring and self centered.

[gacook]

I hear ya there, Pat. I'm remarried and wife has 2 sons (currently 12 and almost 15). Their dad is pretty much non-existent in their lives. Every couple years, he'll take them for a couple weeks in the summer or around Christmas, almost never calls, IF they get a birthday present it's something cheap and always late...and they idolize him. So, it's up to me to try to teach them how to be men. I'm a bit old school, served time in the Army and expect things to be a certain way. I'm teaching them values they've never been taught, and expect them to work (school, some easy chores, etc).

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by gacook

So, it's up to me to try to teach them how to be men. I'm a bit old school, served time in the Army and expect things to be a certain way. I'm teaching them values they've never been taught, and expect them to work (school, some easy chores, etc).

Hang in there. I know it's tough when they think you are the devil incarnate, out to make their lives a living hell. Lot's of times my stepson didn't like me, thought I was being mean, etc, but I did what was right to the best of my ability and now that he's grown and has kids of his own he understands. We have each other's mutual love and respect and when his kids call me grandpa I kind of choke up a little.

[gacook]

Yeah. I view my "reward" as a parent/step-parent will be seeing my children lead productive lives as adults.

The toughest part for me is trying to understand them. As a boy, I played sports, liked cars, etc (all the "guy stuff"). My step-sons...have no interest in sports, or anything else that I deem to be "guy stuff." A lot of this I attribute to them not having a father really in their lives during their formative years, but it still baffles me...I just thought it was something we were born with. Case in point, my first car was a POS, but it was mine, and I loved having a car. I bought my step-son a car last year (he was 14), and it seems like he pretty much doesn't care. I'm trying to teach him a bit about maintaining it, and even took him out to a deserted area so he could drive--and HE DIDN'T WANT TO! That blew my mind. We went to the auto paint place here in town and I let him pick out whatever color he wants to paint the car, and I'm going to do it myself, with him helping do the sanding and what not...figured it'd be a nice father/son experience and give him a deeper sense of ownership to his first car. We'll see.