Originally Posted by Skip Newsom
(Post 7829765)
Have you heard of me now? I'm The Angry Hiker. I circumnavigated Heybrook Lookout bare-chested, with a rabid wolverine under each arm and socks that don't match, without food, or water, or sunscreen, or deet, or baby powder for my boys.
I traveled a thousand miles along the Highway of Death, on the wrong side of the road, with three flat tires and Bjork playing on the radio full blast, and arrived at the trailhead 3 hours late, in a pair of button-fly jeans four sizes too small, a sheet of high-grade sandpaper smothered with Ben-Gay stuffed into my shorts.
I put the wrong pass on my dashboard, slammed each of my fingers in the car door one-by-one, and hopped up the trail on one foot, backwards, an old refrigerator filled with 1936 Indian Head Nickels strapped to my back, #2 pencils jammed into my ears all the way up to the erasers, and a rusty cheese grater wedged in my plumber's crack.
I laughed at the pathetic warnings - Ha! Ha! - and scaled the sinister tower wearing a sombrero made of copper pennies, while swinging around a pair of 9-irons, taking the Lord's name in vain, cursing the Old Gods, drinking blood out of Oprah's skull, and slipping Mother Nature an improperly labelled tub of margarine.
I stood on the roof of the lookout without a safety harness and called down the lightning, but the lightning, like all things, feared me. So I dropped my pants and bared my ass at Baring, and gave Index the finger, and on the climb back down I got a really nasty splinter on my pinky toe, and it could've got infected but I didn't call SAR, and decided instead to call it a day before my whole hiking season spiralled down the toilet like a "Cease and Desist" order from Cormac McCarthy's attorney.
I drank 4 bottles of Everclear, hammered railroad spikes into my kneecaps, and glissaded back down the mountain over shards of broken glass, with your wife on my lap and your mother on speed dial, wearing a necklace of poodle ears and a tuxedo fashioned from the skin of your precious Barefoot Jake, because I am the Angry Hiker.
This is what I do.
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