Speaking of Gifts...

[gacook]

Some of the other threads on gift giving made me decide to post about this here, for your input.

I'm divorced and remarried. I have 3 kids with my ex, and "inherited" 2 kids with my new wife (we've been married 4 years now...I won't go into why my wife feels "unwelcomed" by my parents--specifically mom). Every year, my parents send a check to each of the kids for Christmas, and for their birthdays. We're not talking big money, but it's still generous of them to do so (between all my brothers/sisters, my parents have 20+ grandkids).

So, here's the problem: They send MY kids $25, and they send my step-kids (who I view as my kids) $20. This aggravates the hell out of me because it's readily apparent that they're basically viewing my step kids as "lesser" to them (and really, it's my mom who sends the checks), and that's the kicker--she's my step-mom. She raised me since I was 3; we have a very blended family (she has 5 kids from 2 different marriages, my dad has 3 kids from 2 different marriages, and together, the 2 of them didn't have any kids). We were alwalys taught that we were a family--I called her "mom," her kids called my dad "dad," and we were taught that the "step" part was just BS--we were brothers and sisters. And that's why it bugs me so much that she now treats MY step-kids in a lesser manner.

What I'm torn about is whether or not to address it with her. As I said, I think it's generous of them to give any of the kids anything (and I've told them many times I don't need them to), but it's also quite rude (in my opinion) to give the kids different amounts. If it was a physical gift, like a toy or something, I wouldn't care if the valuation varied amongst the kids, but when it's a monetary gift, the difference is quite glaring.

What I've been thinking is that I'll call her and let her know that if she can't send all the kids the same amount, please don't bother sending any of them anything.

Thoughts?

[Rikao4]

the longer you wait..
the more it will bother you & Lady..
your Mom probably hasn't clue how this is going over..
and once yo point it out she will of course utter..
well I never meant to blah blah..
set her straight..

Rika

[aschen]

Honestly it sounds like your mom is having a bit of fun with your wife.

[Rot 911]

Originally Posted by aschen

Honestly it sounds like your mom is having a bit of fun with your wife.

Doesn't sound like "fun" to me. Sounds more passive/aggressive. I would just calmly bring it up to her and ask her to look at it from the standpoint of the kids. If she insists on continuing to send disparate amounts I would just tell her not to send anything at all.

[BeyGon]

I don't see the problem, she can give what she wants to whoever she wants. Looks like she is putting out a lot of cash. I never got the same thing by brother or sisters got, crying about it won't change it. Be happy you get something.

[aschen]

Exactly the context I was using fun. As in fun at her expense

[2porscheguy]

Guy, have "the talk" with her asap! Your kids should all be treated the same!

BTW, how long has this been going on?

[Rick V]

Yeah I would talk to Mom, but then again I am not the type to sugar coat anything, no matter who I am talking to.

[Head416]

I would start out with, "I noticed you send my stepchildren $5 less, why is that?" Don't come aggressive. If she doesn't immediately repent and correct her ways throw all her checks away from this day forward. I wouldn't put up with that crap.

[creaturecat]

She did that on purpose?
Unbelievable.
As an adoptee, I can say that this sort of treatment is unacceptable.
My paternal grandmother would not let us three adopted siblings eat the food that was reserved for her "real" grandchildren.
We went without. My mom never forgave her.

[creaturecat]

We only saw her twice. Living 1500 miles away.
It wasn't like we were going to eat her out of house and home.

[gacook]

Originally Posted by Rick V

Yeah I would talk to Mom, but then again I am not the type to sugar coat anything, no matter who I am talking to.

Me neither, Rick. That's one of the reasons I wonder about saying anything at all. I've more than once been admonished for not having enough tact...

[gacook]

Originally Posted by BeyGon

I don't see the problem, she can give what she wants to whoever she wants. Looks like she is putting out a lot of cash. I never got the same thing by brother or sisters got, crying about it won't change it. Be happy you get something.

Must be why you're such a pleasant person.

[BeyGon]

Originally Posted by gacook

Must be why you're such a pleasant person.

I just don't see the problem and wouldn't make it a problem, life is like that.

[Laneco]

As a gen-u-ine red-headed stepchild, I feel blessed that my Father always treated my brothers and me as equals to his birth children. We were all "his" and that was that. Boy, was I lucky growing up.

I think you need to talk to your Mom about this. Is she giving just your stepchildren less, or does she give less to the other stepchildren in the family? If it is just YOUR stepchildren, then I think the issue may be something to do with your wife... Not fair that the children are so treated, but it may be an unfortunate fact.

Maybe a way to help keep the family "blended" and eliminate the impression of unfairness would be for her to give all your children ONE cash gift that they must determine how to spend as a family, e.g. a trip to the Zoo, etc., that everyone does together.

angela

[Seahawk]

I would read (re-read) a thread posted yesterday by a guy from PA giving thanks here in the most impossible of family situations. Giving thanks. Amazing.

I would then smile, let each child know how much I love them and move ahead with alacrity thanking my lucky stars my brood is healthy and beckons the future.

Then I'd make fun of the Witch. Kids know: she thought about it, now so have they.

[Neilk]

are "her" kids by any chance younger and therefore should get less money in your mother's eyes?

[Head416]

This isn't about money. It's about a grandma treating children - CHILDREN - as "less than". My wife got this from her step-family growing up. It makes kids feel like they're worth less and unwanted. I'd rather personally send his kids $25 each every year than have this woman make them feel like crap.

[gacook]

Originally Posted by Neilk

are "her" kids by any chance younger and therefore should get less money in your mother's eyes?

No, my wife's oldest son is our oldest(almost 17); her younger son is the same age as my oldest daughter (14).

What Head said is exactly my feeling on the subject. If all she did was send them a card, or even just a phone call, I'd be perfectly happy. It's the disparity demonstrated between the kids that bothers me, especially since she's my step-mom. She of all people should know better.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Rot 911

I would just calmly bring it up to her and ask her to look at it from the standpoint of the kids. If she insists on continuing to send disparate amounts I would just tell her not to send anything at all.

This. How can she not have a clue how this affects the kids? This would just be rude to an adult, but it's worse to do it to a kid.