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HAMLET
A Musical
by
the Castaways
of Gilligan’s Island

Act I
[The curtain rises. Hamlet stands stage center.]
HAMLET:
(Sings)
I ask to be or not to be, A rogue or peasant slave is what
you see; A boy who loved his mother’s knee, And so I ask
to be or not to be. So here’s my plea, I beg of you, And say
you see a little hope for me. To fight or flee, to fight or flee,
I ask myself to be or not to be.

[Enter King Claudius and Queen Certrude]

CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE:
(Sing) He asks to be or not to be, A rogue or
peasant slave is what you see;

GERTRUDE: (Sings) My son who loved his mother’s knee,

CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: (Sing) And so he asks to
be or not to be. So here’s his plea, we beg of thee, And say
we see a little hope for he.

HAMLET: (Sings) To fight or flee, to fight or flee, I ask
myself to be or not to be.

Exit Claudius and Certrude.]

HAMLET: Hark! I do believe I hear the fair Ophelia.

Enter Ophelia

OPHELIA: My Lord Hamlet is troubled.

HAMLET: Yea, verily, my heart is heavy. I cannot marry
thee, Ophelia. There is nothing left for you, but to get thee
to a notary.

OPHELIA: Ah, my poor Hamlet. Ah, my poor Hamlet.
(Sings) Hamlet, dear, your problem is clear, Avenging thy
father’s death; You seek to harm your uncle and mom, But
you’re scaring me to death. While I die and sigh and cry,
That love is everything; You’re content to try to touch, The
conscience of a king. Since the day when your dad met his
fate, You just brood and you don’t touch your food; You
hate your ma, mad at my pa, You’ll kill the king or some
silly thing. So Hamlet. Hamlet, do be a man, let Rotten
enough alone. From Ophelia no one can steal yea You’ll
always be my own, Leave the gravedigger’s scene, If you
know what I mean. Danish pastry for two, For me, for you.

HAMLET: In truth Ophelia, you have said a mouthful.

OPHELIA: Hamlet, I have so much more to offer. But hark!
Me thinks me hear the heavy footsteps of my father,
Polonius.

HAMLET: And the laughter of your brother and my friend,
Laertes.

OPHELIA: Oh, they must not find us here. But where to
hide?

HAMLET: Hide anyplace. But don’t go near the water.
[Exit Hamlet and Ophelia]

LAERTES: Father, my ship sails at the tide.

POLONIUS: A mornent, my son, for I have something to
tell you.

LAERTES: But I ask only for my allowance.

POLONIUS:
Ah, but I shall give you something far more available:
advice.

LAERTES:
Do you know how much wine you can buy in Paris
with advice?

POLONIUS: Paris is a wild and wicked town. And you are
but a young and innocent boy.

LAERTES:
(To audience) Oh, could I tell him a few stories.

POLONIUS: Heed my words, Laertes, and you’ll be safe.

LAERTES: (Inless I listen, I won’t get my spending money.
So I’ll listen, I’ll listen.

POLONIUS: (Sings) Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
Do not forget: Stay out of debt; Think twice, and take this
good advice from me, Guard that old solvency. There’s just
one other thing you ought to do. To thine own self be true.

[Enter entire cast]
ALL:
(Sing)
Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
Do not forget: Stay out of debt;
Think twice, and take this good advice from me,
Guard that old solvency.
There’s just one other thing you ought to do,
To thine own self be true.

(sung to Pasquale Amato's 1911 rendition of the Toréador's song from the opera Carmen).

Talk about culture ......

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