Random MONTY PYTHON quotes (Why not?)
 

Some day, my lad, all this will be yours! (waves hand toward window)

What, the curtains?

No, not the curtains, lad.

Ok, I'll bite. Here are some of my favorites:

"She turned me into a knewt.....I got better...."

"What else floats?" ..."Very small rocks."

"It's just a fleshwound."

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries....I spit in your general direction!"

"Bring out your deal! Bring out your Dead!.....I'm not dead...."

"It's just a model."

-Z.

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.]

King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?

Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.

Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu--

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Brother Maynard: Amen.

All: Amen.

King Arthur: Right. One... two... five!

Galahad: Three, sir.

King Arthur: Three!

ANOTHER FAVORITE......


Peasant 1: Who's that there?

Peasant 2: I don't know... Must be a king...

Peasant 1: Why?

Peasant 2: He hasn't got **** all over him.

Who are you then?

I'm Brian's mother!

Are you a virgin?

Piss off!!

spam spam spam spam spam

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!

"it's just a waffer thin mint"

"oh, no...I couldn't eat another bite"

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!

"This is my wife Audrey. She smells a bit, but she's got a heart o'gold."

Shut up, you b!tch, it's just a bit 'o fun!

Pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space / 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth!

What's you favorite color?

You must now bring us .... a shrubbary!

NEET!

It was an ill tempered beast with big sharp pinty teeth!

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

He's not quite dead yet

Ministry of silly walks

Mr Creosote exploding

And now for something completly different

HITLER: My dog has no nose!

TROOPS: How does he smell?!?

HITLER: Awful!

Oh I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..........

"Whats on the telly"? "A penguin!"

"i'd like to buy some cheese ..please"

"You've sold me a parrot that's dead! Expired,! Ceased to exsist!"

"Who sold you this then?"

"Oh, that's not covered by the warranty. Besides, the warranty ran out just last week. And I'll ask again; Who sold you this then?"

Great training video!

It's only a flesh wound....

Do sha-tup Pooorschaaa (from a fish called wanda)

Alright, Segway Sarah
 

More from a fish called wanda:

Otto (Kevin Kline) "It's K-K-K-Ken, c-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me!

Wanda: "You think you're an intellectual, don't you ape?"
Otto: "Apes don't read philosophy."
Wanda: "Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it."

"Please fondle my buttocks."

Quotes
 

Are you telling me that a pigeon can carry a 5 pound coconut?

island911 - Those were also good ones you added. That movie is so funny!!

I object to all this sex on the telly..... I mean, I keep falling off!

car related Pythonisms
 

"I should like to see Graham Hill's impression of John the Baptist"

"Been shoppin'?"
"No, been shopping."
"Buy anything?"
"Just this old piston engine!"

Tom

"hahahahahaha ooooo! I think I wet 'em!"

I sentence you to hang by the neck, until you cheer up.

Undertaker sketch...
b: My mother's died...

a: well, we can bury her, burn her, or dump her in the thames.

b: I don't know...

a: well then, IF we bury her, she gets eaten up by maggots nibble nibble nibble, which comes as quite of a shock...if she's not quite dead. IF we burn her, she gets toasted in the fire, crackle crackle crackle, which also comes a quite a shock, if she's not quite dead... IF we dump....

b: I dont' like that option...

a: So where is your mother now?

b: In this sack.

a: Let's have a look shall we?

b: *opens sack*

a: OOOH!! she was quite young.

b: Yes, she was...

a: *nuch excitement* FRED!!!! I think we've got an eater!!!

fred: from off stage: I'll get the oven on.

b: ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE EAT MY MOTHER???!???!!!

a: *shaking head* ABSOLUTELY NOoooooo.... yes.

*audience storms the stage becasue at this point MPFC has gone just a bit too far.*

sjd

Are you trying to insinuate something?

NO! No, no, no, no, no, yes. Yes.

Check out my name at the end.
 

Ok, after this if you will please notice my name. Cruel joke my parents played on me I guess...

Moore: Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.

Squire: Lupins?

Moore: Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.

Parson: What do you mean, lupins?

Moore: Don't try to play for time.

Parson: I'm not, but... the *flower* lupin?

Moore: Yes, that's right.

Squire: Well we haven't got any lupins.

Girl: Honestly.

Moore: Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Lupin Express.

SmileWavy

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, he's not in this bit.

From Holy Grail:

"I'm not a witch, I'm NOT a witch. THEY dressed me this way!"

"NO! No, no, no no."

"Well, we did do the hat. And the nose...but she IS a witch!"

"BURN her anyway!!"

Vas head of Gestapo for ten years,
No vas head of Gestapo for five years,
No No vas never head of Gestopo! I make joke...

... cool it Fuher cat...

Later on in that scene:

"What else floats?" (King Author, I believe)

"...very small rocks!" (A commoner)

There is no cannabilism in the Royal Navy. Johnson, put down that leg!