The question becomes, why is Mom like this? To answer that you have to put yourself in her shoes. How would you react if you were in her place, to her set of life circumstances? Maybe there is a secret in there, that no one is talking about?

One would suspect that Grand Ma is the complete opposite to Mom. That GM is very rigid and is strict and severe in her opinions, where she uses religion as a club. That Mom is rebelling or being contrary to GM. That Mom can't take it anymore so she blows and is all over the place. But yet she is an echo of GM as she has her own wild opinions. This kind of stuff just does NOT come from outa the blue. There is a reason and a rational behind it.

You job is to find it, or you or someone else in the family will repeat it in one form or another. A pattern has been established.

BTW I don't like labels, as they do not differentiate enough as to find a personal solution to your (or mine for that matter) particular problem. Each ball of twine is wrapped differently, and as such each unwinds differently.

As for the other commentators, I really don't think much of their comments as they are basically little blind mice trying to lead other blind mice. They have varying degrees of depth of awareness.

Herein lies the problem for me, I have been figuring this stuff out for over 40 years, and as such EVERYONE I hear or see to a varying degree is a little blind mouse. That means everyone on this BOARD no matter your intellect, position or achievements. Some people might consider that to be conceit, however SCIENCE has just figured out that brain synapses change over time as it would be for an apprentice over time becoming a master craftsman. That is an undeniable fact.

Now here is a horror for you. One would lay odds that Mom is just repeating an already established pattern/dynamic, that someone in the family past also exhibited Mom's MO? Ohhh boy does that mean that you are a prisoner of DNA?

So what is it exactly that you do?

That's a great question I've been pondering for years now. Perhaps the following is useful: There is a distinct pattern I have witnessed year after year, time after time. Whether its a job or personal relationship, she goes from lust to love to hate to bridge burning in a very short time.

Here's some recent employment history (all after being laid-off, downsizing, from a great sales role as their #1 rep for 11yrs):

Within the last 7 years

-Gets new equal sales role with competitor of last employer. It was too good for words, 3 months later the CEO was a "fat a-hole", 3 months later she got fired for defaming emails against co-workers.
-Almost immediately following, she gets a financial aid director role with University she worked with before 11 year gig. This lasted 1.5years before she "was going to have a nervous breakdown because of all the morons she works with"
-Next job, another FID role at a great University. Lasted for 3 years there, but "hated" the fat loser who worked under her. Had him fired, then proceeded to burn bridges and was asked to leave.
-Next job, FID role at another good University in CT. Told everyone this was her "dream job" 5 months in she was emailing me 3-6 times/day telling me how stupid/lazy the people where where she worked. She got looney with this one and blew the whistle on this company to the Feds., they were audited, nothing was found wrong. She decided to quit on FMLA for due to "psychological issues" (enter enabling shrink) She then tells me she met the best lawyer in the world, she's going to sue them for $250k for "hardship and distress" She lost...
-Next job: "It's always been my dream to work with kids" (YIKES) After 9 months of unemployment and literally draining my dads bank account...some stupid school system hires her as a para-professional...aka teacher's aid. Had to watch and 8 year old kid, called me crying one day bc the kid hit her.
Used my aunt to get the job...walked out after 3 weeks
-Next and current job: Used a long time friend to get this one. Another teachers aid gig, now with a 14yo kid.

Not a chance :D

That's what she would say.

You have no idea other than what you quoted, you're off base and wrong.

This is laughable...I mean seriously, I'm literally laughing right now.

That petty stuff seriously screwed up my life.
That petty stuff is the reason half of our family still refuses to interact with her
That petty stuff is the reason I had multiple girlfriends leave me because "you're mom is nuts"
That petty stuff is the reason she got into a fist fight with her niece at my great grandmother's funeral.


EMJ. Your input is void and useless, but I do appreciate your impotent attempt at devaluing something that's been the one largest challenge in my life.

2: She still refers to therapist as C U Next Tues
3: Or more, don't forget the 100-200mg of Zoloft ;)
4: Better yet, tells son dad was never good in bed and she should have married Bruce (guy before dad) as he was her true soul mate
5: "I had no control what I was saying, God was in control of my thoughts"

To scale of what I've communicated here versus real life:

1 snowflake in a Blizzard

Mom is only a symptom of a deeper family dynamic. She is reacting to something in her childhood past...

Personality disorders do not come out of the blue...there is a rational a mechanism at work that was established at a young age.

Psychosis...scientists think that it is Brain chemistry, well how is brain chemistry derived except through DNA. That means you have it toooooo! Or it can be a learned behavior as to how families cope with life's situation, a family pattern if you will (a collective family memory). Or it is a reaction to abusive behavior in ones past, which is also fits under the rubric of a family pattern..

Mom does not operate in isolation, she did not get this way by herself. Unless she was dropped on her head when she was a baby?

I know next to nothing about this topic but the criticism here of someone wanting to distance themselves from a bad situation, and then being criticized of it reminds me of a review I once read when this movie came out.

One Week (2008) - IMDb

A guy gets diagnosed, soon to die, goes on a personal adventure, and the people writing movie reviews criticize him for being selfish and not spending his last days with family.

I know my comment is a little off track here, but sometimes you just gotta take care of yourself first.

Really? Your original post was petty IMO and still is, and we can only make our determinations on the information given. Now you're adding details which aren't so petty. Stay away if you must. The facts, as you state them, translate to a mom who needs help for some possible mental issues. Personally, I wouldn't call her all of the names you've called her here knowing this. But, of course, carry on.

There seem to be some histrionics on display right here in this thread ...

The rules of the road of life are. No one knows when you are hungry, need to take a dump, or are tired and need to sleep. Only you know those things. The axiom is you have to take care of your needs yourself, as no one can do it for you.

Anyone who tells you, you are being selfish is usually being manipulative for their own ends.

Mental illness seems to run though DNA, but luckily doesn't hit everyone in every generation. My wife's family had a lunatic G. Grandma that was bat chit crazy, and her son was all about showing off his money and abusing his kids, My MIL (his daughter) can't make a decisions to save her life about something so mundane as, magazine subscriptions, to what to order for her dinner. My BIL motorcycle cop has little man syndrome and has to prove he is better and richer than everyone by being a complete hoarder of expensive things (house is stuffed to no walkway status), So far, my kids seem to be normal, and are socially well adjusted, but that doesn't mean anything for down the road.

There has to be some tolerance, some understanding, and some patience in dealing with these characters, but at least you have an idea of what might be going on in your Mom's mind so you can compensate.

Would excessive drug use be a possibility?

You name it she says she did it.

Everything you've described above is normal female behavior.
(Just kidding, sort of)

We've all had our moments, but her's seems to repeat ever so often. As soon as she's in a good comfortable situation she feels some inner need to create chaos and drama and hardship around her. It's like she is never comfortable just feeling comfortable herself, and so then she has to give grief to all those around.

I'm guessing and projecting here as an outsider, so please excuse, that she really needs a stronger mentorship from someone she respects and is willing to accept dominance over her, and who is strong enough to cut to the chase and get into finding and releasing those feeling of anxiety and insecurity she's got bottled-up her entire life.

This goes deeper than her current therapist and into her core psyche.
I don't believe any friendly one hour chat-sessions with a "paid-friend" are ever going to do this.
She has to hit rock bottom, or experience, and accept an epiphany.
Having a long-term goal or desire or hobby to focus the mind and bring it back to center makes a huge difference.
Traveling often shocks people out of their daily routines.

911SauCy: you've always seem pretty down to earth in your posts, and I hope that blowing off a bit of steam here helps a little.
You've done well with the cards dealt. Pat yourself on the back once in a while.

I've lived the same thing 911SauCy. A narcaccist is not curable. Decades after their divorce, my mother still tries to rewrite the history of her marriage to our father. She was unfaithful and an absentee parents. She verbally abused all of us, and that continues to this day. I barely see her.

When our daughter was 3, she wrote an e-mail to the the entire family that were were unfit parents, and that she should take over raising our daughter.

Recently, she did the same to my sister. She claimed that she was an unfit mother, and that her son was being ruined by her. Absolutely insane. My nephew is a happy, thriving boy.

Saucy - I sincerely feel for you.

Please consider attending an Al Anon meeting some night in your town. They are in just about every city. It s very likely that your mother is an alcoholic and your father her enabler. And that makes you the child of an alcoholic relationship.

At an Al Anon meeting, you will meet a great many people who have experienced what you are experiencing, and they have developed methods to deal with those that, while they may still love them, are very very broken.

I cannot say she's an alcoholic or NPD, but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that you will meet people there who have experience in maintaining their sanity in the midst of having to deal with people that sound just like your mother.

Good luck - I feel for you. She is most likely very sick.

I really don't know anything about psych meds, but I have heard that some of them, taken over a long period of time, make irreversible changes in the brain. Bad changes. Don't know if Zoloft is one of those, but I did find this online:
_______________________________
Zoloft

:::excerpts:::

Your doctor will need to check your progress at regular visits while you are using Zoloft. Your family or other caregivers should also be alert to changes in your mood or symptoms.

Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

Ask your doctor before taking a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) for pain, arthritis, fever, or swelling. This includes aspirin, ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin), naproxen (Aleve), celecoxib (Celebrex), diclofenac, indomethacin, meloxicam, and others. Using an NSAID with Zoloft may cause you to bruise or bleed easily.

Drinking alcohol can increase certain side effects of Zoloft.

Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

More: Zoloft: Uses, Dosage, Side Effects & Warnings - Drugs.com

Drug use is an escape from ones pain.

Your guess is pretty spot on. The more direct and strong someone is with her, the better she respects them, to their face at least.

I explained this to my wife who feels like shes being rude when responding to her sometimes. Turns out, the more "rude" my wife thinks shes being, the more positive or clear resolve she gets from my mother.

HardDrive: That's quite interesting as I've had family members, my friends, and even her friends contact me or address in person that she is openly making defaming remarks about my wife, me, wife's family, etc...

daepp/tabs/ HnT: There are definitely addiction demons in the family. Her dad died from lung cancer as a smoker, brother died same (64), other brother dodged a bullet (at least for now) and she smokes a pack a day...used to be 2. This is on top of lots of drinking from everyone,

Every time I consider smoking a cigar or having a drink, I think about why I'm having it, do I need to be and how would my life be if I didn't. I'm always self critical in whether or not I'm having a drink to enjoy with friends/family or because I (addictively (is that even a word?)) need it...it's a mental wrestling match.

Get a copy of Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson

http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

It could be a real eye opener for you.:eek:SmileWavy

Here are 7 other signs of borderline personality disorder to look for:

1. Intense fear of abandonment or being alone, whether real or imagined.

2. The tendency to take risks without thinking about the consequences. Especially when the results hurt the self e.g. car crashes, risky sex or substance abuse.

3. Attempting to self-harm or thinking about suicide. People with borderline personality disorder are not usually trying to kill themselves when self-harming. Rather they are expressing feelings of anger towards the self or trying to feel ‘normal’.

4. Having an unstable sense of self. People with borderline personality disorder may often feel they are different people depending on who they are with. They often describe feeling lost and empty.

5. Paranoid thoughts and zoning out. Believing in things that are not true or sometimes zoning out so that it appears the person with borderline personality disorder is not really there.

6. Feeling intense anger — possibly over relatively trivial matters — and acting out physically in response.

7. People with borderline personality disorder are often on a kind of emotional roller-coaster. Intense anxiety could give way to intense depression, then to another strong emotion. These bouts can last a few hours or even a few days.

Update:

I've made a number of difficult decisions regarding how often, when and how my family will interact with my mother. Did this through the help of a number of sources, but gathered the strength in speaking to numerous family members all wondering/sensing the same thing about her.

I had a long and private discussion with my father, introduced him to the idea of NPD and simply asked that he educate himself on it. (I don't want to label my mother but if the shoe fits, and it does) We had a great talk which a few days later I realized was for nothing. He's so used to being my mother's puppet, he apparently went home and spilled his guts of everything I told him in confidence. I won't be making that mistake again, mistake being to trust him at his word... sad.

Turns out dad had no idea mom was "divorcing him" and they aren't going to get divorced. Instead she used this game piece to push him to the unemployment office...because she thinks he needs a new career. (He's been building homes and doing interior finish work for 32years and make great $) At 60, she thinks he needs to get a new job. Why, because she's unemployed.unemployable and was the health insurance provider... Now it's on dad and mom blames him.

I say mom is unemployable because she can't even hold a minimum wage teacher's aide job. Since the original post she's been put on paid administrative leave through the school system because she stopped a 16 year old girl in the hallway, hugged and kissed her. She told me the girl is a b**** for saying anything and because it doesn't state it in her job description, she didn't know that was bad. Plus, kids nowadays aren't love enough. (You can't make this stuff up) Passing blame...AGAIN.

Better yet, she has my dad so warped, that he is telling people the same story and victimizing my mother in doing so...guy doesn't know his arse from his elbow.

Wow, distance yourself from negative people and your life will be better. That really sucks that you can't trust your Dad either, but at least you know the score now and will be cautious in any future dealings with both of them.
I just don't understand being so negative all the time, my daughter's boyfriend has a mother the same way, and he has changed his phone # and refused to contact them for a few months now.
My wife and I have become like his substitute parents and we try to help he and my daughter all we can, I can't imagine wanting to sabotage their lives like you mother or his mother.

^It's truly unbelievable.

Latest is because I want distance, it's my fault that I'm keeping her from watching her grandson grow-up. She is going to make it hard to not completely cut her off.

This weekend was the last time I field police phone calls (my buddies who are cops calling me first) to their house for my brother, his underage friends, and the booze she supplies to them.

This is what movies are made of.

the next time I or my family would see any of these clowns..
Is when one goes nappy nap in the dirt...
your handing drunks drinks time & time again..
expecting them not to dance on your table like the last time..

so the only one that needs to change is you ..
because they are not going to ..
and why would they...
as the clan has spent years condoning / excusing same.

Rika

With the police becoming involved in their/her behavior, sounds like the usual thing of letting them/her hit bottom and facing the consequences to be the best course. She can manipulate her immediate sphere of influence, but once she gets out of that and the outside social structure doesn't acquiesce, the consequences could be productive. Let life take its course.

A) She, and your family situation are a train wreck.

B) This will not change, no matter how much you discuss it with therapists or strangers on the Internet. It may comfort you and give you insight to do so, (and therefore is worthwhile), but it will not change her or the damage she is doing one iota.

C) The only thing you can control is your own behavior and response to things. That's it.

A: Yes, most definitely
B: Don't expect it to, but does help my perspective. Love the word "iota"
C: Correct. Seems less is more.

I can empathize, except in my situation I had a bipolar/violent/con-man of a father and an enabling/selfish/emotionally abusive mother. It really was the match made in hell. When my mother cheated on my father and a divorce was imminent, they both tried to recruit me to their side and both asked me to hide money from the other. I took a step back from both of them for several years and only engaged them on my terms. When they tried to get manipulative with me, I simply physically left or hung up the phone. It didn't make them better people, but it did condition them not to behave so badly around me.

Interesting update: Was able to talk to my dad today about more nonsense with mom.

He is starting to really get wierded out by everything. Mom recently demanded he visit a psychologist as she is sure he's depressed. After a visit ending with a clean bill of health she saw red. I am doing what I can to help him see clearly that she is working to impose problems onto him so she can actualize self worth in "helping" him. It's like she has a mental version of Munchausen Syndrome.

Meanwhile, dad's 2 sisters, sister-in-law, and brother have approached him asking "what's wrong with your wife?".

It's vindicating to see that other family members are individually stepping up to express concern.

an adaptation of AA's 12 steps, but maybe fits the bill:

http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Misc/...f-Insanity.gif

Introduce her to your boss…...

This is great.

Wow, was this written for FP?

Psychotic Break.
 

My mother is in a full fledged psychotic break as of yesterday, soup to nuts.

Symptoms started about 3 days ago and were kicked into hyper-drive yesterday. She is convinced she's being followed, her phone is bugged, her psychologist's office is bugged, people have been stealing things from her, my dad is cheating on her/living a double life, (trying to prove this to him with random internet searches of people with his same name) she sent me emails that are incomprehensible and decided to go over her SIL's house (a 20 year reformed drinker) and drown all of her issues last night. SIL is the victim because she's been the only person to date to not put her foot down and tell her how it is.

Today's challenge: Dad doesn't seem at all phased by this and is taking the "it'll blow over" road. I think he's looking at it as a good way to be rid of her.

Psychologist is not willing to go to her and try to help...this woman should be out of practice.

Mrs Saucy thinks I need to step up and intervene with the SIL situation and get her the F out. But mom made it clear she's not going home, of course, because dad's cheating (for the record, that's false)

Suggestions?

Lastly, Sounds silly, but this thread and compiled opinions/expertise helped me take my stance with her and has since served me well. Likely why she didn't come to me in this situation.

Are there any options to have her checked into a psychiatric facility for evaluation? Obviously against her will. I would be concerned about the potential of her hurting herself or someone else.

I'd see about getting Dad to seek counseling. He'll be the one dealing with her after everyone else has "cut her loose".