Lunatic Mother crosses the line (long)

[tabs]

Originally Posted by 911SauCy

Roger that.

The cause of what was once anger, then confusion, now disgust...as I learn more about what she seems to have, possibly NPD, it will likely use my knowledge to skillfully interact with her and minimize issues.

He has completely. Funny thing is I've always watched their interactions and became increasingly suspicious as to why he would let my mom treat him that way, or anyone for that matter.

Hit the nail on the head with this one, she's is still running from loosing her dad at a reasonably young age (21) but now the volume has been cranked as my grandmother, 98, was recently admitted to hospice. My Grandmother was stereotype guilt laden Catholic Italian...but not like this. She cherished family, friends and relationships where my mother is a wrecking ball in her personal and professional life. When you point out what she's doing to others she'll tell you the other individual, organization etc is stupid, but in a much more colorful manner.

Another very interesting thing is that her focus on religion has dramatically intensified. I wanted to climb up a wall when she told me God was making her say what she was saying Saturday at my house...I actually felt ill.

The question becomes, why is Mom like this? To answer that you have to put yourself in her shoes. How would you react if you were in her place, to her set of life circumstances? Maybe there is a secret in there, that no one is talking about?

One would suspect that Grand Ma is the complete opposite to Mom. That GM is very rigid and is strict and severe in her opinions, where she uses religion as a club. That Mom is rebelling or being contrary to GM. That Mom can't take it anymore so she blows and is all over the place. But yet she is an echo of GM as she has her own wild opinions. This kind of stuff just does NOT come from outa the blue. There is a reason and a rational behind it.

You job is to find it, or you or someone else in the family will repeat it in one form or another. A pattern has been established.

BTW I don't like labels, as they do not differentiate enough as to find a personal solution to your (or mine for that matter) particular problem. Each ball of twine is wrapped differently, and as such each unwinds differently.

As for the other commentators, I really don't think much of their comments as they are basically little blind mice trying to lead other blind mice. They have varying degrees of depth of awareness.

Herein lies the problem for me, I have been figuring this stuff out for over 40 years, and as such EVERYONE I hear or see to a varying degree is a little blind mouse. That means everyone on this BOARD no matter your intellect, position or achievements. Some people might consider that to be conceit, however SCIENCE has just figured out that brain synapses change over time as it would be for an apprentice over time becoming a master craftsman. That is an undeniable fact.

[tabs]

Now here is a horror for you. One would lay odds that Mom is just repeating an already established pattern/dynamic, that someone in the family past also exhibited Mom's MO? Ohhh boy does that mean that you are a prisoner of DNA?

[911SauCy]

Originally Posted by tabs

The question becomes, why is Mom like this? To answer that you have to put yourself in her shoes. How would you react if you were in her place, to her set of life circumstances? Maybe there is a secret in there, that no one is talking about?

One would suspect that Grand Ma is the complete opposite to Mom. That GM is very rigid and is strict and severe in her opinions, where she uses religion as a club. That Mom is rebelling or being contrary to GM. That Mom can't take it anymore so she blows and is all over the place. But yet she is an echo of GM as she has her own wild opinions. This kind of stuff just does NOT come from outa the blue. There is a reason and a rational behind it.

You job is to find it, or you or someone else in the family will repeat it in one form or another. A pattern has been established.

BTW I don't like labels, as they do not differentiate enough as to find a personal solution to your (or mine for that matter) particular problem. Each ball of twine is wrapped differently, and as such each unwinds differently.

As for the other commentators, I really don't think much of their comments as they are basically little blind mice trying to lead other blind mice. They have varying degrees of depth of awareness.

Herein lies the problem for me, I have been figuring this stuff out for over 40 years, and as such EVERYONE I hear or see to a varying degree is a little blind mouse. That means everyone on this BOARD no matter your intellect, position or achievements. Some people might consider that to be conceit, however SCIENCE has just figured out that brain synapses change over time as it would be for an apprentice over time becoming a master craftsman. That is an undeniable fact.

So what is it exactly that you do?

That's a great question I've been pondering for years now. Perhaps the following is useful: There is a distinct pattern I have witnessed year after year, time after time. Whether its a job or personal relationship, she goes from lust to love to hate to bridge burning in a very short time.

Here's some recent employment history (all after being laid-off, downsizing, from a great sales role as their #1 rep for 11yrs):

Within the last 7 years

-Gets new equal sales role with competitor of last employer. It was too good for words, 3 months later the CEO was a "fat a-hole", 3 months later she got fired for defaming emails against co-workers.
-Almost immediately following, she gets a financial aid director role with University she worked with before 11 year gig. This lasted 1.5years before she "was going to have a nervous breakdown because of all the morons she works with"
-Next job, another FID role at a great University. Lasted for 3 years there, but "hated" the fat loser who worked under her. Had him fired, then proceeded to burn bridges and was asked to leave.
-Next job, FID role at another good University in CT. Told everyone this was her "dream job" 5 months in she was emailing me 3-6 times/day telling me how stupid/lazy the people where where she worked. She got looney with this one and blew the whistle on this company to the Feds., they were audited, nothing was found wrong. She decided to quit on FMLA for due to "psychological issues" (enter enabling shrink) She then tells me she met the best lawyer in the world, she's going to sue them for $250k for "hardship and distress" She lost...
-Next job: "It's always been my dream to work with kids" (YIKES) After 9 months of unemployment and literally draining my dads bank account...some stupid school system hires her as a para-professional...aka teacher's aid. Had to watch and 8 year old kid, called me crying one day bc the kid hit her.
Used my aunt to get the job...walked out after 3 weeks
-Next and current job: Used a long time friend to get this one. Another teachers aid gig, now with a 14yo kid.

[911SauCy]

Originally Posted by tabs

Now here is a horror for you. One would lay odds that Mom is just repeating an already established pattern/dynamic, that someone in the family past also exhibited Mom's MO? Ohhh boy does that mean that you are a prisoner of DNA?

Not a chance

[911SauCy]

Originally Posted by EMJ

Did it ever occur to you that maybe she's just lonely? Psychopath? Lunatic? Manipulative? Maniacal? Nice. This is how you describe your mom? You don't come off very sympathetic. Seems you shock easy, too. Also seems you go against her for everybody and their mother, too. Would you even be here if she didn't feed you, bath you, wipe your ass for your first three years of life, and keep you safe? Sure, she might have her issues, but it seems you're no ray of sunshine yourself. From what you describe, it just doesn't sound so damn bad. She is your mom. You should have a little more respect.

That's what she would say.

You have no idea other than what you quoted, you're off base and wrong.

[911SauCy]

Originally Posted by EMJ

I hear you, but I didn't see anything this severe in the OP's initial post - bunch of petty stuff.

This is laughable...I mean seriously, I'm literally laughing right now.

That petty stuff seriously screwed up my life.
That petty stuff is the reason half of our family still refuses to interact with her
That petty stuff is the reason I had multiple girlfriends leave me because "you're mom is nuts"
That petty stuff is the reason she got into a fist fight with her niece at my great grandmother's funeral.


EMJ. Your input is void and useless, but I do appreciate your impotent attempt at devaluing something that's been the one largest challenge in my life.

[911SauCy]

Originally Posted by jwasbury

Petty? I read the same initial post as you...I saw:

1) OP's family was alienated from the extended family - he's learned as an adult that it was his Mom's behavior behind this.
2) OP's family went to group counseling 10 years ago, when the therapist called out Mom, she went nuts, said the therapist was crazy, said it was Dad's fault, said dad was sexually attracted to therapist, etc. (never her fault)
3) Mom drinks a bottle of wine a night
4) Mom has absolutely no appropriate boundaries...she shares with her son (OP) that she's divorcing dad...can't "take it anymore" - needs a "happier life" (never her fault). Not the OP's business, this is between Mom and Dad.
5) Next day its god who made her say this, she has no control (never her fault).

OP said he could break the interwebs with this stuff. read between the lines this is the tip of the iceberg.

2: She still refers to therapist as C U Next Tues
3: Or more, don't forget the 100-200mg of Zoloft
4: Better yet, tells son dad was never good in bed and she should have married Bruce (guy before dad) as he was her true soul mate
5: "I had no control what I was saying, God was in control of my thoughts"

To scale of what I've communicated here versus real life:

1 snowflake in a Blizzard

[tabs]

Mom is only a symptom of a deeper family dynamic. She is reacting to something in her childhood past...

Personality disorders do not come out of the blue...there is a rational a mechanism at work that was established at a young age.

Psychosis...scientists think that it is Brain chemistry, well how is brain chemistry derived except through DNA. That means you have it toooooo! Or it can be a learned behavior as to how families cope with life's situation, a family pattern if you will (a collective family memory). Or it is a reaction to abusive behavior in ones past, which is also fits under the rubric of a family pattern..

[tabs]

Mom does not operate in isolation, she did not get this way by herself. Unless she was dropped on her head when she was a baby?

[wayner]

I know next to nothing about this topic but the criticism here of someone wanting to distance themselves from a bad situation, and then being criticized of it reminds me of a review I once read when this movie came out.

One Week (2008) - IMDb

A guy gets diagnosed, soon to die, goes on a personal adventure, and the people writing movie reviews criticize him for being selfish and not spending his last days with family.

I know my comment is a little off track here, but sometimes you just gotta take care of yourself first.

[EMJ]

Originally Posted by 911SauCy

This is laughable...I mean seriously, I'm literally laughing right now.

That petty stuff seriously screwed up my life.
That petty stuff is the reason half of our family still refuses to interact with her
That petty stuff is the reason I had multiple girlfriends leave me because "you're mom is nuts"
That petty stuff is the reason she got into a fist fight with her niece at my great grandmother's funeral.


EMJ. Your input is void and useless, but I do appreciate your impotent attempt at devaluing something that's been the one largest challenge in my life.

Really? Your original post was petty IMO and still is, and we can only make our determinations on the information given. Now you're adding details which aren't so petty. Stay away if you must. The facts, as you state them, translate to a mom who needs help for some possible mental issues. Personally, I wouldn't call her all of the names you've called her here knowing this. But, of course, carry on.

[Norm K]

There seem to be some histrionics on display right here in this thread ...

[tabs]

Originally Posted by wayner

I know next to nothing about this topic but the criticism here of someone wanting to distance themselves from a bad situation, and then being criticized of it reminds me of a review I once read when this movie came out.

One Week (2008) - IMDb

A guy gets diagnosed, soon to die, goes on a personal adventure, and the people writing movie reviews criticize him for being selfish and not spending his last days with family.

I know my comment is a little off track here, but sometimes you just gotta take care of yourself first.

The rules of the road of life are. No one knows when you are hungry, need to take a dump, or are tired and need to sleep. Only you know those things. The axiom is you have to take care of your needs yourself, as no one can do it for you.

Anyone who tells you, you are being selfish is usually being manipulative for their own ends.

[ckelly78z]

Mental illness seems to run though DNA, but luckily doesn't hit everyone in every generation. My wife's family had a lunatic G. Grandma that was bat chit crazy, and her son was all about showing off his money and abusing his kids, My MIL (his daughter) can't make a decisions to save her life about something so mundane as, magazine subscriptions, to what to order for her dinner. My BIL motorcycle cop has little man syndrome and has to prove he is better and richer than everyone by being a complete hoarder of expensive things (house is stuffed to no walkway status), So far, my kids seem to be normal, and are socially well adjusted, but that doesn't mean anything for down the road.

There has to be some tolerance, some understanding, and some patience in dealing with these characters, but at least you have an idea of what might be going on in your Mom's mind so you can compensate.

[911SauCy]

Originally Posted by tabs

Mom does not operate in isolation, she did not get this way by herself. Unless she was dropped on her head when she was a baby?

Would excessive drug use be a possibility?

You name it she says she did it.

[john70t]

Everything you've described above is normal female behavior.
(Just kidding, sort of)

We've all had our moments, but her's seems to repeat ever so often. As soon as she's in a good comfortable situation she feels some inner need to create chaos and drama and hardship around her. It's like she is never comfortable just feeling comfortable herself, and so then she has to give grief to all those around.

I'm guessing and projecting here as an outsider, so please excuse, that she really needs a stronger mentorship from someone she respects and is willing to accept dominance over her, and who is strong enough to cut to the chase and get into finding and releasing those feeling of anxiety and insecurity she's got bottled-up her entire life.

This goes deeper than her current therapist and into her core psyche.
I don't believe any friendly one hour chat-sessions with a "paid-friend" are ever going to do this.
She has to hit rock bottom, or experience, and accept an epiphany.
Having a long-term goal or desire or hobby to focus the mind and bring it back to center makes a huge difference.
Traveling often shocks people out of their daily routines.

911SauCy: you've always seem pretty down to earth in your posts, and I hope that blowing off a bit of steam here helps a little.
You've done well with the cards dealt. Pat yourself on the back once in a while.

[HardDrive]

I've lived the same thing 911SauCy. A narcaccist is not curable. Decades after their divorce, my mother still tries to rewrite the history of her marriage to our father. She was unfaithful and an absentee parents. She verbally abused all of us, and that continues to this day. I barely see her.

When our daughter was 3, she wrote an e-mail to the the entire family that were were unfit parents, and that she should take over raising our daughter.

Recently, she did the same to my sister. She claimed that she was an unfit mother, and that her son was being ruined by her. Absolutely insane. My nephew is a happy, thriving boy.

[daepp]

Saucy - I sincerely feel for you.

Please consider attending an Al Anon meeting some night in your town. They are in just about every city. It s very likely that your mother is an alcoholic and your father her enabler. And that makes you the child of an alcoholic relationship.

At an Al Anon meeting, you will meet a great many people who have experienced what you are experiencing, and they have developed methods to deal with those that, while they may still love them, are very very broken.

I cannot say she's an alcoholic or NPD, but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that you will meet people there who have experience in maintaining their sanity in the midst of having to deal with people that sound just like your mother.

Good luck - I feel for you. She is most likely very sick.

[Heel n Toe]

I really don't know anything about psych meds, but I have heard that some of them, taken over a long period of time, make irreversible changes in the brain. Bad changes. Don't know if Zoloft is one of those, but I did find this online:
_______________________________
Zoloft

:::excerpts:::

Your doctor will need to check your progress at regular visits while you are using Zoloft. Your family or other caregivers should also be alert to changes in your mood or symptoms.

Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

Ask your doctor before taking a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) for pain, arthritis, fever, or swelling. This includes aspirin, ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin), naproxen (Aleve), celecoxib (Celebrex), diclofenac, indomethacin, meloxicam, and others. Using an NSAID with Zoloft may cause you to bruise or bleed easily.

Drinking alcohol can increase certain side effects of Zoloft.

Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

More: Zoloft: Uses, Dosage, Side Effects & Warnings - Drugs.com

[tabs]

Originally Posted by 911SauCy

Would excessive drug use be a possibility?

You name it she says she did it.

Drug use is an escape from ones pain.