What do you teach your kid ? bullied at school.

[fastfredracing]

My boy is on the scale for autisim. He does pretty good for the most part, but after this last year, and all our family has been through , he has been having some problems at school.
We gave it one last chance, but after a few more issues at school, the suggestion of the school counselor, and our own observations, we decided to send him to a special school that is supposed to deal with kids like him better. We are hoping to get him on the right track , and back into public school for next year. So far,so good.
He gets extra special care there, and seems to be doing well, but.... There are kids there that are far worse than he is.
It seems as if one of the kids in his classroom, goes def con 5 several times a day, and part of his routine when he looses it , is to verbally, and physically assault my son. The teachers break it up quick, but still, he has been hit in the face, punched in the gut, and cornered and knocked down. It is weird, they are friends, but when the little guy comes undone, he comes after my son. Probably the new kid thing . Although my kid is a little clumsy, he is pretty strong, and a lot bigger than the other kid. I think he could make short work of him, if he wanted to
I keep telling him to just ignore it , protect your face, and try to move away from little george when he spaz's out, but I am wondering if I am really teaching him the right thing.
I want to raise a son, that is compassionate, and kind, and not a bully but do not want to make a little sissy who cowers at the first signs of aggression, and is afraid to stick up for himself.
I know what my dad would have told me to do.
All , in all , I think this has been a real good lesson for little Freddy, as he would sometimes be the aggressor when he would have issues in the past. I really believe that being on the other side is showing him how wrong that behavior is. But, still, part of being a man, is learning how to stand up for yourself when the time comes.
Part of me wants to tell him to put a beat down on the little guy. I'd be willing to bet that he'll think twice before he comes at my son again. I know this is not the right answer.
What do,or did you teach your sons in this situation My boy is 9. I think everyone of us has gone through this at some point in our lives.

[stomachmonkey]

There are times when turning the other cheek is appropriate and there are times when a different reaction is justified.

A real man knows the difference and acts accordingly.

[John Rogers]

Trouble with kids in school when it is against or with yours is always a huge problem. As an example when our oldest daughter was in the 8th grade, she was racing bicycles and already been state champ 3 or 4 times and was very very fit. At that time lots of kids would either come over from Tijuana by bus or the parents would drive and at that time there would be more Baja plates than CA plates. No residency, etc, etc but the bigger issue were the girl gangs also known as cholas who wanted to "run" things. Since our daughter was only 4' 10" tall they decided to pick on her and we tried and tried to get the school to stop it.......no action at all.
So I told her next time, break the biggest one's jaw when she got hassled and two days later at lunch time we got a call. Our daughter had been in a fight and was going to be suspended, seems she did put the 200# chola in the hospital. So instead he brought the list of all our visits to complain, the call record to the school board offices, etc, etc and no action was taken against her. Not the best solution but the next year they started the proof of local address law and they seemed to disappear?

[mreid]

"George, we're friends and I'm glad to see you're calm right now. I just want to be clear that the next time you come after me I will break your nose. That's a promise."

[HardDrive]

If the other kid hits him in the face, tell your son to be calm, and tell him stop hitting him. If he does it again, your son should hit him so hard that his grandchildren come out cross eyed.

[Oracle]

Originally Posted by fastfredracing

I want to raise a son, that is compassionate, and kind, and not a bully but do not want to make a little sissy who cowers at the first signs of aggression, and is afraid to stick up for himself.
I know what my dad would have told me to do.

I feel the same way with my 9yo son. he's been on Karate for 3-4 years and can punch really-really hard aside from kicking good... story goes that other kids have taken advantage of his kindness.
I keep biting my tongue and ask him to be compassionate, the other kids sincerely don't know what they're up against. I have asked him to move, run if needed, go to teacher/leader, ignore, etc.. before any punches. So far he has been holding his temper and I think this is the lesson he's learning.. beating up a smaller or kids with handicaps, etc.. is for cowards.. he needs to be the better person.

[chocolatelab]

My mother told me in no uncertain terms, she has passed and i can remember it clear as day.

" Never start a fight but make sure you end it "

Her deal was that i would never be in trouble with her just as long as I never started the fight.

[john70t]

Originally Posted by fastfredracing

the suggestion of the school counselor, we decided to send him to a special school

one of the kids in his classroom, goes def con 5 several times a day, and part of his routine when he looses it , is to verbally, and physically assault my son. The teachers break it up quick, but still, he has been hit in the face, punched in the gut, and cornered and knocked down.

My boy is 9.

I picked out these three parts for reference...

Hug your son.

[Evans, Marv]

There are positive things to be said about not reacting aggressively. However each time your son allows the other kid (or any kid/s) to abuse him without any reaction, or passively trying to get away, or displaying avoidance, he is reinforcing in the other kid's mind it's OK to use your kid as a punching bag. It might also reinforce the idea of using other kids as punching bags. If your kid is that much bigger & stronger, why can't he say to the other kid in a loud voice that what he's doing is wrong, grab him by the wrists and push him to the ground/floor. Prior to that, he can explain to the teacher he is not going to let himself be abused anymore. My father always told me to stand up for myself. We moved a lot, and he always told me to kick the first kid's butt that gave me grief when we moved somewhere new. Since I was a strong, wiry, athletic kid, it worked out pretty well most of the time. Maybe Karate training would actually be good for him. It develops strength, speed, coordination and teaches control and moderation. Kids have to develop different mechanisms to manage negative situations to develop self confidence in dealing with situations and managing other people as they mature. I think always dealing with situations with passivity, avoidance, and flight aren't the way to establish abilities for coping later on.

[GWN7]

Originally Posted by mreid

"George, we're friends and I'm glad to see you're calm right now. I just want to be clear that the next time you come after me I will break your nose. That's a promise."

^^This^^

The other kid does it because he knows he can get away with it. As soon as he knows he can't, the attacks will stop. It might take having your son bend his beak once or twice.

[Rick Lee]

This is the only way to deal with bullies. And you only need to do it once.

[mikester]

We had an extremely similar situation at school with my oldest who was 9 at the time last year.

Him and another boy who had been very good friends all of a sudden no longer got along. It wasn't just my son though, the other boy was having trouble with all of his relationships and he is also on the autism spectrum. We had a teacher who was watching out for things in class and started volunteering at recess and lunch because the recess and lunch monitors were not doing a good enough job and things were escalating.

We were and are pretty close with the other kid's family. My wife and his mom are very close friends. Me and the Dad are friends too and up until their son started having problems the boy was in our Cub Scout den where I am the Den leader.

Meetings at school, he dropped out of scouts, boys were basically directed at school to stay away from each other but in the end they reorientated themselves and are again friends. Not really as close but pretty good and it seems to have normalized.

Hug your son. Stand up for him at school. If the other kid is challenged as you say be understanding of course but only to a point with the school. The school needs to provide the protection for both boys and if it can't then it needs to do something before you have to escalate in the name of protecting your son. I would make friends with the administrators but be very stern with them at the same time.

[Cajundaddy]

In raising three kids, teaching self confidence, self control, and how to use the word "NO" were their best first line of defense against bullies. The second line of defense was to teach them a basic takedown and control maneuver. I don't think any of them ever had to use the takedown because bullies sensed a hardened target and simply moved on.

Never confuse kindness with weakness and a kid who is acting out violently must be shut down right away.

[PorscheGAL]

I spent a summer working with a child like you describe. He may not be in complete control of who he targets. Maybe the way to solve this is to ask the teacher to move your son out of the vicinity of this kid. Your son may be the target because he is typically this closest.

Good luck with this and hopefully your son will get back where you want him.

[Oh Haha]

We are fortunate to not have had any issues with my son(sounds like he is like yours).

We have not taught him any type of defensive tactics.

I think you need to speak to the school administrator about the other boy. Yes, he has issues but the school needs to take precautions to prevent him from hurting others or himself.

[LWJ]

To the above posters who advocate pushing / punching back: NO!

The kid that is bullying / hitting is autistic. Fred's son is on the spectrum. Forget everything you know about humans because while I agree with you if these were people not on the autism spectrum, the whole situation changes because they are.


Fred,
I think you need to sit down ASAP with the teacher / admin at this school and tell them what is going on and get them involved and on board.

This is not acceptable. I have a daughter who is on the spectrum. We had to talk to her about how other people's brain works / doesn't work and have her come up with strategies to deal with difficult situations.

Good luck! This is a tough one.

Larry

[Rikao4]

the diagnosis doesn't give him permission to act like a free range loon..
nor does it mean your son should just take it..
and won't make you feel good while visiting the Dr...

he should tell him once ..perhaps twice..
but he needs to defend himself..

Rika

[911SauCy]

Originally Posted by harddrive

if the other kid hits him in the face, tell your son to be calm, and tell him stop hitting him. If he does it again, your son should hit him so hard that his grandchildren come out cross eyed.

+1

[madmmac]

The Special School is failing miserably in their job. They should all be trained and well versed in what may or may not occur and act accordingly. They have not. Start there.

I'd also look to teach some non-striking submission holds.

[GeorgeK]

If he is in a specific school for autism, then the other kid should not be left in a position to hit him again, after the first episode. In any school for that matter.

See the teacher/director of the school and tell them that you will undertake any and all steps necessary to have your kid protected if that happens, again, even if it puts their job in jeopardy. Also tell them you see no other alternative that would avoid trouble for your kid, or yourself.

Should get whoever is responsible there on their toes.