Talking to your wife about her... weight

[scottmandue]

I know... I know... "Scott, wouldn't your rather set your testicles on fire while poking yourself in the eye with an ice pick?"

And yes, my sense of preservation says just STFU...
But while I'm an old dog I'm still new at this being married thing so I am tapping into some of you guys with way more experience at this thing called marriage.

Let me start by saying this is not about my wife's appearance... I still find her very attractive.

Long story short she has back problems... her Dr. told her losing some weight would help with that problem.

Problem being she is a carb queen... always snacking on goldfish crackers, chex mix, etc.

Mind you I am a good 20-30 Lbs over weight myself... and I am a firm believer that each person has to get themselves together but on the other hand it helps to have a friend (or friends) as a support group (weight watchers, personal trainer, AA, etc.)

I will now STFU... thank you for your time.

[berettafan]

my wife and I are both overweight. it's easier for me to say 'WE need to lose weight' because i'm right there with her. I think if I did a better job with my weight she would do the same. we struggle with weight but we struggle together.

as to your situation post some nudie pics of her and we'll let you know the best way to proceed.

PS,
Carbs are my problem as well. Should be a controlled substance. I sincerely believe the chemical reaction in our brains to carbs and sugar must be very similar to that a drug addict gets.

[nostatic]

Easy - *you* should start working on *your* weight. Join a gym or the Y, change your diet, and really stick with it. Odds are incredibly high that she'll join you in the journey, and you'll both win.

But it needs to be about you - you initiate it based on your weight and desire to get healthier. Don't need to mention hers at all.

[wayner]

Wife or not, for a person to change they have to want it.

[widebody911]

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday; she said "Something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds!"

I bought her a bathroom scale.

[LEAKYSEALS951]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

"Scott, wouldn't your rather set your testicles on fire while poking yourself in the eye with an ice pick?"

I would choose this.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by nostatic

Easy - *you* should start working on *your* weight. Join a gym or the Y, change your diet, and really stick with it. Odds are incredibly high that she'll join you in the journey, and you'll both win.

But it needs to be about you - you initiate it based on your weight and desire to get healthier. Don't need to mention hers at all.

This is my current tack, I know I have to lead by example... it just set me off that last night she was complaining about her back and it bothers me that she is in pain but won't do anything about it. However I'm not a 'gym' guy so that isn't going to happen, fortunately we are in SoCal so there are lots of outdoor activities (hiking, biking, yoga in the park) I can get into... fortunately while I also love carbs I have done the low carb diet and have no problem with it.

[LEAKYSEALS951]

Originally Posted by nostatic

Easy - *you* should start working on *your* weight. Join a gym or the Y, change your diet, and really stick with it. Odds are incredibly high that she'll join you in the journey, and you'll both win.

But it needs to be about you - you initiate it based on your weight and desire to get healthier. Don't need to mention hers at all.

And by all means- go subtly about this. Too much success too quick and you will get blamed for making her feel bad about her own weight and psyching herself out that she is not as successful at it as you are.

I would still go with the setting testicles on fire thing.

[M.D. Holloway]

In my experience with women (and it is vast...VAST!), they know they have a weight issue you will never have to tell them. The real question comes in "why are so many women over weight when they are aware of it?"

Call it the post-divorce scenario, most women who get divorced end up shedding weight mostly because they are now on the market, women who are new to a relationship will keep the weight off as well in order to keep the guy interested, and then there are those married women who keep the weight off because they have an internal discipline, a network of friends committed to appearance, or because they are insecure about how they look (well that's pretty much all of them). The married women who gain weight and keep it on do so for a simple reason...because they can.

Your wife is keenly aware that you love her unconditionally. She could push 200lbs and you would still rub up against her in the early AM. She is not worried.

Get her to worry, tell her to pull off the feed bag, step away from the crunchy clusters and start chewing a carrot or your gonna find a fun-size replacement quicker than she can scoff down that cinnamon bun.

Of course she won't do it because of what you saidt, but she will spend 1000's of calories chasing your ass around the yard to hit you over the head with a box of Ding Dongs.

Or maybe you could just be honest and tell her that she means the world to you, that you want to be able to walk down a Florida beach hand in hand when you guys are in your 90s and that you both have to begin taking better care of each other and your willing to help in anyway possible including planning and cooking healthy meals that are reduced in volume, buying smart snacks and not the carbo-killers, talk and take walks with her every night to get the blood flowing and during these walks you would like to plan the next vacation. Hold her and tell her you love her more today then you did yesterday and the day before that and tomorrow maybe even more.

just an idea...

[scottmandue]

She has done the weight watchers thing (I'm not a big fan of WW but whatever works) and Curves (I like that a lot program more because it focuses more on physical fitness).

But right now she is kinda dead in the water... I'm working on being more active and cutting the calories and hope she takes note and follows.

[motion]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

Problem being she is a carb queen... always snacking on goldfish crackers, chex mix, etc.

Whoaaaa.... I would make it more about health then the weight issue. She should know better than to be binging on processed food and chemicals at her age. Time to educate her.

[Charles Freeborn]

What WayneR sez, but that said - better to approach it as a team. Go together to nutritionist, gym, whatever works for you both... ..and good luck - it's going to be a bumpy ride for a while, but when you both lose some lbs and start feeling better (and hurting less) because of it , that will be the new "addiction" .

[jwasbury]

you can say nothing...even this post has put you in grave danger sir.

[Seahawk]

My oldest sister was significantly over weight. She had her own gravitational pull; when she jumped up and down the song playing on the record player skipped, the song playing on the radio...Radio Free Europe (old joke).

My parents tried a bunch of different techniques all designed to minimize judgement and help her loose the weight with dignity...they hit all the bases: It is for your health, you'll feel better, we love you, we'll do the work with you, no snacks in the house, etc. None of it worked and, frankly, rarely does.

I can count on one hand the number of sodas I had in my house as a kid. I think the lack of sugar affected me

Then, 18 years or so ago, my daughter, then 4, innocently asks my wife, close enough for my sister to hear, "Why is Aunt Ann so fat?"

Everything changed and she lost a dramatic amount of weight which remains, I think, off.

So, I like all the suggestions so far but the magic solution does involve both an ice pick, honesty and you at some point: There isn't a template or checklist to follow and don't expect the first foray into honesty to be met with less snacks, probably the obverse.

If your daughter is willing, ask her what she would do.

[Shaun @ Tru6]

This is easy. Do it together. Invite her along in your quest to lose weight. Done.

[john walker's workshop]

Good luck with that, and where do we send the flowers?

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by LEAKYSEALS951

I would still go with the setting testicles on fire thing.

Would you go with lighter fluid or gasoline?

[Crowbob]

Originally Posted by M.D. Holloway

In my experience with women (and it is vast...VAST!), they know they have a weight issue you will never have to tell them. The real question comes in "why are so many women over weight when they are aware of it?"

Call it the post-divorce scenario, most women who get divorced end up shedding weight mostly because they are now on the market, women who are new to a relationship will keep the weight off as well in order to keep the guy interested, and then there are those married women who keep the weight off because they have an internal discipline, a network of friends committed to appearance, or because they are insecure about how they look (well that's pretty much all of them). The married women who gain weight and keep it on do so for a simple reason...because they can.

Your wife is keenly aware that you love her unconditionally. She could push 200lbs and you would still rub up against her in the early AM. She is not worried.

Get her to worry, tell her to pull off the feed bag, step away from the crunchy clusters and start chewing a carrot or your gonna find a fun-size replacement quicker than she can scoff down that cinnamon bun.

Of course she won't do it because of what you saidt, but she will spend 1000's of calories chasing your ass around the yard to hit you over the head with a box of Ding Dongs.

Or maybe you could just be honest and tell her that she means the world to you, that you want to be able to walk down a Florida beach hand in hand when you guys are in your 90s and that you both have to begin taking better care of each other and your willing to help in anyway possible including planning and cooking healthy meals that are reduced in volume, buying smart snacks and not the carbo-killers, talk and take walks with her every night to get the blood flowing and during these walks you would like to plan the next vacation. Hold her and tell her you love her more today then you did yesterday and the day before that and tomorrow maybe even more.

just an idea...

'Honest'?

You could tell her the truth and get the best of both worlds. You can suggest to her that she's beginning to look like 15# of potatoes in a 10# sack and you are tired of her complaining about her back in between stuffing her pie hole with mouthfuls of French fries. She will certainly stop complaining about back pain AND ignite big Scott and the twins. Plus, she will look better than ever with your newly emptied eye sockets.

[Monza_dh]

we set a rule in our house a year ago:eat nothing that comes in a bag or a box....no cookies, chips, crackers etc.

Replaced them with dried fruit, nuts , veggie snacks. you'll be amazed how quick you can loose weight by cutting that sht out and wait till your actually hungry to eat. good luck!

[Shaun @ Tru6]

Originally Posted by Monza_dh

we set a rule in our house a year ago:eat nothing that comes in a bag or a box....no cookies, chips, crackers etc.

Replaced them with dried fruit, nuts , veggie snacks. you'll be amazed how quick you can loose weight by cutting that sht out and wait till your actually hungry to eat. good luck!

+1 The closest thing to processed/packaged food I have are Thomas' English Muffins.

Being totally serious, I have no idea how people buy and eat the junk they do. It tastes horrible compared to real food.