Many people don't realize their partner hates them

[Baz]

^^^ That's one of the comments posted in the comments section of the following video.

I was just thinking the other day that there's a whole segment of people out there who are unhappy.

They would never admit this...but if you observe their behaviour....I don't see how it can be disputed.

Happy people vs. unhappy people.

That's my latest theory that best explains friction between a man and a woman.

[Don Ro]

Almost worse than having someone in your life who doesn't care...
someone who pretends to care.
BTDT

[Don Ro]

As a co-director and co-counselor in a CA crisis center (drop-in addiction issues and couples counseling) years ago, I witnessed that this issue often had its roots in sub-optimal conflict resolution skills...and was not entirely gender specific. The result was "gunny sacking" resentment.
Not many want to kiss and become physically intimate when they're harboring disgust for their partners.
.
Often what one or both would do would be to call it quits, blame the other, and go right back out and run their dog and pony show on their "next", hoping that their agenda would not be exposed and called on their BS.
The old rinse and repeat process.
.
In order to resolve a conflict the couple has to be willing to embrace some Humility as they admit to and own their part.
Too often, especially the men, Humility and the expressing of vulnerability is viewed as inferiority...the good old male ego at play.
Thus, either they parted...or continued to live in disharmony.

[Baz]

Thanks for the input, Don. Very interesting.

I heard it said once that the hardest thing to do in life is to be honest with oneself.

Goes to that "ego" aspect you mentioned...and I believe it.

I consider myself as lucky to have spent some time in my career with a sales organization that shared and mentored us on how to interact with others in such a way as a bond is formed...a relationship if you will.

One of the things they emphasized is people can be divided into 2 basic categories...those who are collaborators...and those who are competitors.

There really is an analytical side to all this.....

[Iciclehead]

All I can say is I lived this.

Getting my life together again after over 30 years with a person who as far as I can tell never really liked me, liked what and how I did things and from what I can tell, joined me in living a lie for a very long time.

I take my own accountability for what I have done and the many, many errors I made, but my advice to people who find themselves in this situation to exit as soon as possible for the good of all involved.

Dennis

[McLovin]

I saw this a few years ago, and found it interesting.

In a study (or studies) where scientists watched couples interact, there was one factor, if observed, highly predicted a divorce:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/this-behavior-is-the-top-predictor-of-divorce_us_572cc717e4b0bc9cb0468e06

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201303/the-1-predictor-divorce-and-how-prevent-it

[Don Ro]

"...in living a lie for a very long time."
~~~~~~~~
Not altogether uncommon. Both parties make an unspoken (secret, often subconscious) agreement to not call each other on their 'stuff'.
So it becomes one person's neurosis having a relationship with the other person's neurosis.
An intimacy phobia...often referred to as Attachment Avoidant...loaded with fraudulence.
Sex is often used as a way to feel a semblance of intimacy.
I spent 3 1/2 years with a woman under this influence. Quite the learning experience!...my learning, she never adjusted.
.
My mother had this AA relationship with her second husband...I began to see. And most likely with my biological father.
I eventually saw that she also had it with her children...thus my interest in the field.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Baz

I was just thinking the other day that there's a whole segment of people out there who are unhappy.

Yep. Relationships are easy to get in to but difficult to maintain.
After my first marriage and a string of girlfriends I accepted that the relationship thing was too much for me, and I didn't even want someone else in my life. I went happily along for almost 10 years alone and wasn't looking for a partner, then ran into the most wonderful woman in the world. We have a great marriage.

[DanielDudley]

A lot of people use pets as their surrogate partner, and thus are able to have an intimate relationship without having to risk intimacy with other people.

[911_Dude]

I see unhappy relationships all the time with the people I work with. In my work I spend a lot of time traveling with my coworkers, and a lot of talk time. Out of maybe 30, that I know fairly well, maybe 25% are in "happy" long time relationships where they truly seem happy. The rest are getting along, or doing it for the kids, or are in some phase of divorce. Way too much talk of "never" getting laid, not even sleeping in the same room, not sharing any common interests. Sure, its all a two way street in relationships, but the fact remains. Im single for the last 15 years and have no reason to get hitched again. Maybe it will happen, but its not a goal by any means. I dont think we are wired for lifetime monogamy. Its been forced upon us by relativistic morals. What I dont understand is why people will waste a major portion of there life in these sad relationships.

[Baz]

People get married for several reasons...the most obvious that they want children under a legal status.

Others for financial reasons.

If those are not major factors in your life, I don't understand the need for marriage.

Further...if those are mitigating reasons to get married....unless romantic chemistry is also in play in percent as much or more than any of the above....IMHO, it's going to be a long haul....

[sammyg2]

people spend way too much time worrying about other people's lives.

[dennis in se pa]

I believe a lot of people pretend their relationship is good for the outside world to see. Heck people pretend a lot of things to impress others. After 26 years I did not want to be one of "those" divorced people. But when I realized it was better than trying to repair the relationship we got divorced amicably. Been living with my pups in solitude for 4 years and enjoying it. Did the dating thing right off the start but soon realized I did not need a woman in my life at this point. 65 years old. I would do it all again. The first 15-20 were great. Having kids was great. Now being single is great.

[Evans, Marv]

I still say you need to be actual friends in order to enjoy a successful relationship. I was reminded of this a year or so ago when my wife had a friend over to the house to do her hair. The lady brought her two young daughters with her. During the time she was working on my wife's hair and they were talking, she said she could see we liked being around each other. Then went on to tell my wife how she & her husband couldn't stand each other.

[Baz]

Originally Posted by dennis in se pa

I believe a lot of people pretend their relationship is good for the outside world to see. Heck people pretend a lot of things to impress others. After 26 years I did not want to be one of "those" divorced people. But when I realized it was better than trying to repair the relationship we got divorced amicably. Been living with my pups in solitude for 4 years and enjoying it. Did the dating thing right off the start but soon realized I did not need a woman in my life at this point. 65 years old. I would do it all again. The first 15-20 were great. Having kids was great. Now being single is great.

Originally Posted by Evans, Marv

I still say you need to be actual friends in order to enjoy a successful relationship. I was reminded of this a year or so ago when my wife had a friend over to the house to do her hair. The lady brought her two young daughters with her. During the time she was working on my wife's hair and they were talking, she said she could see we liked being around each other. Then went on to tell my wife how she & her husband couldn't stand each other.

Solid posts.....thanks Dennis and Marv...you got it figured out.....

[Baz]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:


" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!


"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No ...I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan.”

[kach22i]

Good topic, and will get back to it when time affords.

Learned some already.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by sammyg2

people spend way too much time worrying about other people's lives.

I often wounder how our parents and grand parents survived without counseling/self help books and articles.

[cbush]

Drinking. A lot. At least my family

[sc_rufctr]

The worst is when the wife hates the husband and the kids are influenced by it and also hate their father.
Just recently I bumped into someone I went to school with. He told me straight up his wife hates him and so do his two daughters.

Completely nut bags. Why do we do it?