Need advise to give my 28y/o Son about pending marriage

[Hugh R]

He's 28, she's 25 they are supposed to be getting married in October, ordered the rings, wedding dress, selected a venue, caterer, etc. They bought a condo together (with my financial help on the down payment), each of them have about $10K into the down payment.

He's been working a lot of O/T and she's been going out with her girl friends to bars/restaurants, shopping, nothing too elaborate or that would suggest playing around.

Yesterday out of the blue, she tells him she isn't ready to get married. I understand pre-marital jitters, but those should have happened before they bought the Condo, and spent/committed lots of money to the wedding. This has all been close to a year in planning from when they bought the Condo.

My thoughts, she is immature and it will only get worse if she is going this route now.
I told my Son maybe its best to find out now when you aren't married and she isn't prego. I can easily help him buy out her 1/2 of the Condo and he can either pay me back or deduct it from his inheritance.

She has moved back to her parents and he is in the Condo.

He's a good kid, smart, articulate, good looking (like his Dad used to be) makes very good money, especially with OT, just got his BS in Business and has excellent benefits from Disney.

I think if she was waffling a year or so ago, sure, but after all the commitments to a condo, and the wedding planning, he should see this as a sign to bail and not try and "work it out".

Thoughts?

If some of the ladies who sometimes post here care to comment, I would especially value their insight.

[oldE]

Hugh,
I suspect you have nailed it. It is of course dependent upon him realizing same.
Getting out now may be painful for him but would probably be the best.

Good luck with that.
Les

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Hugh R

....

Thoughts?

If some of the ladies who sometimes post here care to comment, I would especially value their insight.

While waiting for the ladies....

I'd be wiping my brow going "whew that was a close call".... both of you

Good luck to all!

[masraum]

Hmm, yeah, I don't really have any advice to give other than that it seems much better that this happened now before the wedding than after. Lots of people wait and spring this sort of info 1-5-20 years down the road. I assume he's not super happy about it.

Personally, I would not try to work it out. This would be a sign to me that it wasn't meant to be and she wasn't missus right, and I'd move on.

[billybek]

Yep. Close call.
Better now than 3 or 5 years down the road.

Not that my opinion matters, but 28/25 is young to get married.
Go live a little first!

[Neilk]

Agree with "better now than later". What does he want to do?

[BoxsterSteve]

Painful as it may be for your son, it's best that he found this out before she's entitled to half of everythIng he owns.
I found out the expensive way.
Wife #1 took almost all of the 9 years we were married to "discover herself", meaning she didn't work, cook or clean and let me work 60+ hour weeks to pay the bills.
She spent hours upon hours reading inspirational quotes online.
Then, when after nearly 9 years of this circus, I told her to **** or get off the pot, I got accused of not being the man she married, so she was going to find someone more supportive!?
Wow. Didn't think that was possible.
When we finally called it quits, she was pissed that I could afford to buy her out of our matrimonial home.

Hugh - there's a 75% chance she'll come back to him after she sows some more oats. Advise him to cancel all the plans he hasn't, sell or write off all the crap he's committed to, sell the condo, move with no forwarding and block her number. If he ever takes her back, she has the ticket to use him over and over.

BTW - you're still cute (:

[stomachmonkey]

You are 1,000% correct and your solution / offer of making her whole to go away is fair.

And don't beat her up too much.

Just as it's better your son found out sooner than later, she deserves some credit for not letting it become too much later.

Hard thing to tell someone you don't love them, at least not enough to commit.

Plenty of mature people out there, even our age, still living the lie.

[john70t]

She not only put in a delay order, she bailed on him hard, right after signing obligation on the dotted line.
"bye. pay for it all yourself. you're on your own now kiddo. g'dluck"

There are those kind of people.
They are sometimes walking liabilities given the right circumstances.
Thankfully it was before any additional commitments.
She did him a favor.

I've had my seven/ten years bad luck.
She was now well established in part thanks to me. That was my goal.
But there was no stopping and looking ba ck for her, as I'd hoped.
She didn't need to make effort to even thank me. Moving on for her goals only.
I was just a wallet. It was all take,take,take.
The signs were there again and again but I'd ignored them.
She visited my invalid father ("her savior") twice during three years. She was a pro nurse.
On vacation in Europe, she chatted closely with hungry strangers on a boat from our hometown for an hour but wouldn't even offer them the abundance of snacks we had which I'd actually paid for. They were shivering and eyeing our bag but trying not to. She said no right in front of them.
She had the capacity to stab someone in the gut while smiling looking into their eyes.

Anyways, run forest run.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Sorry to hear but it could be a lot worse. I think stomachmonkey nailed it. I was in the category of marrying someone who knew from day 1 it was wrong but for a lot of reasons didn't tell me until we were 20 years in. We're still friends, I got great kids out of the deal, etc. so I honestly can't say I wish it never would have happened.......but I would love to have some aspect of my early years back. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.....

[SCadaddle]

Damn. I told her to remain calm, at least until after the wedding. I really did like that condo.

[Hugh R]

Thanks Guys,

I told him he should keep the condo, its only been a year, he can get a roommate from the local Community college, its a two master bedroom set up with separate bathrooms and one common living room and kitchen. His monthly PITI is $1,800 he could easily rent the other half for $1,000 or so.
she was paying 1/2.

Reading your insightful comments, I'm re-affirmed that I should tell him to cut it off. He might be only out a few $1,000 for the experience. The good thing is I committed $10K to the wedding, but I'm not in any way locked into that commitment.

[Jims5543]

My son is almost 25. Here is how his GF situation worked out for him.

They started dating in HS, graduated started college, got a apartment together on the other side of town. When he was 21 she decided they needed to move to Orlando and finish college there. She is a year younger than he is.

Let me stop a second.

He is very good with saving money and managing his money. At the ripe age of 21, he had $10K in the bank. Drove a S52 Swapped 1990 318is that was in very nice shape. He fixed up and sold 2 E30's prior to that one and paid 8K cash for that car, most of the money came from the 325IS he sold to buy it.

His GF sucks with money and he is always helping her out. They move to Orlando, get settled into an apartment, he goes through over 5K getting them there, furnished and settled. She takes forever finding a job. He has 2 jobs and is not registered in school now supporting her.

4 months go by and she tells him she wants him out she does not want to be with him anymore.

It hurt so much to see a kid shattered like that.

He moved back home, regrouped, moved back out and rented a room with 3 other guys in a bachelor party pad. Went wild for a few months.

I told him to stop pissing money away on rent and buy a house before the market gets hot. (2 years ago or more)

I said I would co-sign with him to help. Mortgage broker calls, and asks why I am co-signing. His credit score was 780 and his income debt ratio was way below. He qualified for an FHA first time home buyers loan, 10% down no PPI.

So he has a 3 bed 2 bath house now and 2 room mates that pay rent, the rent pays the mortgage.

The best thing that ever happened was him breaking up with her. Red flags with her all over the place, as a parent I kept my mouth shut. I was happy to see her go. She was a spoiled brat.

Oh, yeah she broke a cardinal rule, one night when she was blackout drunk and wanted to drive his car home, he put her in the passenger seat, as he walked around the car she was kicking and cracking his windshield.

This happened about 2 weeks before they broke up. He should have walked away then.


As a parent your intuition is paramount. You see things your son does not, vagina makes a young man blind.

It would appear he would be better off without her, he literally ducked a bullet and does not know it yet. If buying her out of the condo is his worst pain he did good.

He could be paying alimony and child support.

[LEAKYSEALS951]

A blessing (for both of them).
Like many relationships, it worked on certain levels, but not on others. When put against the test of marriage, it failed.
He is in a good position right now, so long as she doesn't come running back wanting to patch things up. That is where his true test of strength will be. If he can see the relationship for what it is when she returns, then he has done well. He is in a position of strength. He needs to stay in control. (and use a condom!!!!)
Good luck!
Ron

[Gogar]

Statistically they only had a 40% chance anyway!

He should keep that condo and keep working overtime for a bit to cover those wedding deposits and hold his head high! A year or so and it'll be all but forgotten.

Much better now than later.

[pavulon]

A lot of women who spend a lot of time with their 'friends' are prone to confiding more in them than their SO--and trouble usually follows. This sort of person betrays the relationship and the 'crew' are often happy to undermine it as fast as possible to make themselves feel superior about their own messes.

If goes further than this but the above is the nuts and bolts.

[legion]

He should walk away.



1996: My best friend starts dating an "artsy girl" shortly after graduating high school. It turns out they are going to the same college and staying in the same dorm.

1998: Junior year of college at U of I, my best friend's girlfriend tells him that she wants to see other people "to make sure he is the one". She wants him to pledge that they will get back together in 2 years after she is "sure". He breaks it off with her and stops all communication.

2001: My best friend's ex girlfriend tracks him down despite him living in California. She shows up at his doorstep and says that she still loves him. Over the next few months she convinces him to move back to Illinois.

2002: They are married in a lavish wedding. He takes some odd jobs after leaving his gig with Industrial Lights and Magic.

2008: He files for divorce after she goes on another week-long drinking bender and won't tell him where she was, who she was with, or what she did. He had taken a job in another state (that she told him to take then refused to move with him) and was on vacation for the week to see her. He gives her everything but his 401k, his pickup truck, and his clothes.

2010: She calls him up and accuses him of giving her the condo on purpose because he knew the real estate market was going to crash and he stuck her with an unsellable house. She demands his pickup truck in exchange for the condo. He hangs up and never hears from her again.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by legion

He should walk away.

Thanks for posting that Chris! I remember Ben's first live gig as The BF Five, though he'd been in local bands for years, I'd never seen him play....told his mom the next day at work that her boy was a genius . Just a three piece, Ben on baby grand, bass & drums...and they freakin' ROCKED a local college music bar/venue. Hadn't thought about him in years...

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by Mark Wilson

Hugh - there's a 75% chance she'll come back to him after she sows some more oats. Advise him to cancel all the plans he hasn't, sell or write off all the crap he's committed to, sell the condo, move with no forwarding and block her number. If he ever takes her back, she has the ticket to use him over and over.

BTW - you're still cute (:

The voice of experience speaking here. The pussy can be a powerful weapon in the wrong hands. Matters not that over half the world's population has one...

I figure I just lucked out...